


YugiohStuck

by Griever1337



Category: Homestuck, Yugioh
Genre: Crossover, Dueling, Humor, Lots And Lots of Fucking Card Games
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 42,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23914477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Griever1337/pseuds/Griever1337
Summary: Dirk Strider is the spirit of the Millenium Puzzle. Armed with nothing but dark magic, a wicked level of understanding at the game of Duel Monsters, and the support of his friends, Dirk must use his gaming skills to help Dave Strider, the 21 year old college student whose body he sometimes inhabits, survive deadly circumstance after deadly circumstance. And yes, they play a lot of card games meant for children along the way.
Comments: 24
Kudos: 44





	1. He Who Is Guided by the Heart of the Cards

DAVE: you guys ever think about how much ojama sounds like obama

Domino City College was an odd place. At first glance, one wouldn't be able to tell that there was anything out of the ordinary about it. The students were about as varied and unfocused as they would be at any other college, the faculty just as dutiful as one would expect. It had its quirks, of course, such as a number of student-related criminal lawsuits, or its strangely low-key admittance of a young baking billionaire tycoon. But none would suspect that this school housed a curious selection of the most extraordinary type of person any place could have.

Gamers.

KARKAT: DO YOU EVER THINK WE CAN GET TO A PART IN OUR CONTINUOUSLY BLOSSOMING FRIENDSHIP WHERE WE NO LONGER FEEL THE NEED TO DISCUSS OBAMA **OR** OJAMAS???  
DAVE: i dont think thats ever gonna happen

Dave Strider is 21 years old. One year ago, he solved the Millenium Puzzle, a 3000 year old Egyptian artifact whose dark secrets had been locked until that very day. Ever since, he's made everlasting friends, faced unrelenting enemies, and been subjected to countless terrible adventures in the impossibly large world of gaming.

But despite all that, he's not one of the "gamers" I'm talking about.

I am, of course, talking about myself.

Who am I, you ask? We’ll get there, don’t worry.

JAKE: I say dave old chum would you mind telling me what ojamas are in the first place i dont actually know what youre talking about this time.  
DAVE: jake what do you think weve been delving ass deep into for the past couple weeks now  
JAKE: Ass deep?  
JAKE: Isnt a well rounded tookis the only thing you can go that deep into anyways by virtue of them being asses?  
KARKAT: JAKE, YOU MIGHT’VE FORGOTTEN THIS, BUT WE ALL RADIATE AN IMPOSSIBLE AURA OF CONCENTRATED VIRGIN ENERGY.  
KARKAT: WE AREN’T GETTING DEEP INTO ASS, EVER.  
JAKE: Cripes karkat you dont have to dunk on yourself like that every time i ask a ridiculous question you know.  
KARKAT: DUNKING ON MYSELF IS WHAT I DO, JAKE.  
KARKAT: ANYWAYS, WE HAVE NO TIME FOR ASS ANYWAYS SINCE WE’VE PLUNGED OURSELVES INTO THE UNHOLY GRAVITATIONAL PULL OF **DUEL MONSTERS**, WHICH EVIDENTLY IS AN EXTREMELY ADDICTIVE CARD GAME, SINCE I CAN’T STOP MYSELF FROM PLAYING DAVE DURING EVERY LITTLE BIT OF FREE TIME I HAVE.  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: we have some time for SOME ass  
JUNE: i would almost be a little bit surprised at you saying that...  
JUNE: but it’s just ojama ass isn’t it.  
DAVE: right you are  
JUNE: god damnit dave.  
JUNE: i can’t believe i bought myself a deck to play with at your game shop a few days ago just to have those little weirdos shoved at me every time the game gets brought up.  
DAVE: bro  
DAVE: are you seriously telling me  
DAVE: that you dont like ojamas  
JUNE: ojamas are gross!!!  
DAVE: okay but theyre supposed to be a little disgusting arent they  
DAVE: theyre the poster boys for useless monsters right now  
DAVE: they look awful and they have zero attack and i fucking love all of them and so does everyone else  
KARKAT: SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU DAVE, BUT I KIND OF HATE THEM.  
JUNE: me too, and i’m sure jake-  
JAKE: Wait a gosh darn second thats what an ojama looks like?

JAKE: Kind of an incredible little bugger isnt it? Sort of a weird little alien guy flailing about in a speedo like he doesnt have a care in the world?  
KARKAT: LISTEN, AS A LITERAL EXTRATERRESTRIAL MYSELF, I THINK YOU’RE INSULTING ALIENS BY BRINGING THEM UP AS A COMPARISON TO THE OJAMAS.

Karkat’s what you’d call a “troll”. Don’t think about it too hard.

DAVE: see jake knows what im talkin about  
JAKE: I think these might be my spirit animal? I mean if these were animals but i guess since theyre duel monsters its my spirit duel monster or something.  
DAVE: do you want some ojama cards jake  
JAKE: Thats a good question actually. I dont think that they would serve me very well since i have no idea how to play the game or anything but-  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: me and june and karkat could always teach you  
KARKAT: ME??? I CAN’T FUCKING TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO PLAY THIS GAME!!!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO BEATS ME EVERY TIME, WHY DON’T YOU TEACH HIM HOW TO PLAY DUEL MONSTERS INSTEAD?  
DAVE: okay sure i guess  
DAVE: jake are you down  
JAKE: Hmm.  
JAKE: Well if it isnt any trouble then go ahead and show me whats happenin buster brown!  
DAVE: okay so first off karkat please whip your deck out  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY, MY FUCKING **WHAT**??????  
JUNE: i’m pretty sure he MEANT your cards, karkat.  
DAVE: why what did it sound like i said  
DAVE: anyways so jake take karkats deck and-

Okay, no. I'm actually just going to go ahead and cut off the dialogue right there. Dave and Karkat just spent minutes talking about a single monster ass, there's absolutely no way you're going to survive either one of them attempting to explain a card game of this complexity while fumbling all over themselves with double entendres or mucking up the conversation with the gayest phrases a person's mind could conjure up. Not that they'd know they were doing it. Hell, not that there's even anything wrong with it, since a sufficiently dramatic duel in the game of Duel Monsters is the absolute perfect venue to express as much gay energy as possible.

But Duel Monsters has a lot going on. And even if you vaguely know what's going on with it, it's always good to get a refresher that isn't excessively meandering. To really delve into the rules, we're going to want a scalpel, instead of a hammer that squeaks and empties noise into the air more than it actually performs any real task. 

In Duel Monsters, you play a one-on-one match against another person, each having their own personally constructed deck of 40-60 cards. Each player has 4000 Life Points, and the main way to win at the game is to reduce your opponent's Life Points to zero. 

There are three main types of cards - Monsters, Spells, and Traps. Monsters, in general, have two main different values associated with them - Attack Points (ATK), and Defense Points (DEF). Think of them as the meat of the game. You can have your monsters attack your opponent’s monsters, and, if your monster’s attack is higher, your opponent loses life points equal to the difference in their ATK, and their monster is destroyed. Alternatively, you can place them in defense mode, to protect yourself with its DEF points - monsters attacked in this mode won’t lead to their users losing any Life Points.

Spell Cards are the ones with green borders. Unlike monsters, you can play more than one of them per turn under ordinary conditions. They do all kinds of shit - revive previously destroyed monsters, take an opponent’s monster and put it on your side, let you draw two more cards - there’s not really a limit to what they CAN do. Besides game balancing, of course.

Trap Cards, likewise, also do pretty much anything. They’ve got magenta borders. Unlike Spells, though, you have to place it face down on the field, and must wait until at least your opponent’s turn to “spring the trap”, as they say. Usually they have some requirement that must be fulfilled before you can do so, but the results are usually worth it. This is what I would call the secret sauce to a good game of Duel Monsters - they allow you to interrupt your opponent’s plays and ruin their plans with your own carefully laid schemes. Most card games don’t really have that sort of interaction, where you have options even during your opponent’s turn.

Using these three types of cards, you make a deck of cards and try to reduce your opponent’s life points to 0. And...yeah, that’s the basics. 

Be advised, though, that this game can and does get more complicated. I wouldn’t put so much stock into a game that didn’t have, as Shrek would say, layers like an onion.

.........................

What's that? You found my explanation boring and straight to the point? You thought it was a somewhat unnecessary interruption that took you out of the current story? Come on now. You've read things that spend WAY longer droning on about simpler game mechanics. Surely, every single one of you has looked upon stories with ideas as inane as data structure inventory systems with pages and pages dedicated to explanations of them, and pages and pages more dedicated to shenanigans of them. Hell, I bet you all even went about scrolling through paragraph after paragraph about troll romance quadrants, didn't you? Those literally take like, one or two words to explain each.

So stop looking at me like I'm ruining your "immersion" by talking about card games that we're going to be spending a lot of time playing, presumably. It's exactly the opposite.

DAVE: okay pop quiz  
DAVE: so when the cards have magenta lookin borders what kind of card are they  
JAKE: A...duel monsters card i suppose?  
DAVE: well youre not wrong but-

Okay, wow, they’re still at it with the really awful explanations. I guess that leaves us with a little bit more downtime, since I don’t really trust anyone at this table to understand Duel Monsters well enough to explain it. I get the feeling that Jake isn’t the most receptive tool in the shed when it comes to absorbing new information, so as far as I know, this is just a titanic, Sisyphean task that the boys are undertaking. Keep rolling that boulder of knowledge up Jake’s brain hill, it won’t end. 

What was I saying? Oh, right. We’ve got time.

So it’s pretty obvious that I’m not exactly a conventional omniscient third person narrator. But it also seems like you’ve dealt with something like this before, because I’m getting the feeling that you are like, way more done with my shit than you should be. And I get it - if I had to listen to myself talk, I’d probably want to die too. But neither of us are here to get into any of my problems. You don’t even know who the hell I am.

Or do you?

Nah, you don’t.

As you might’ve guessed, the Millenium Puzzle that Dave solved a while back gave him access to certain...abilities that most people don’t have. After all, when he got it, there was this strange, paradoxical message attached to it - a prophecy of sorts - that stated two things. One was that any person who completes this puzzle will have their wish granted. The other was that he who possesses the puzzle will be imbued with ancient, dark powers from Egypt, originating from 3000 years ago.

And that’s why I’m here. I’m the spirit of the Millenium Puzzle. Newsflash, ghosts are fucking real. Tell it to your friends, they won’t believe you, because the only thing this ghost does is game like a motherfucker. Seriously, that’s literally all I do.

You don’t seem very convinced by that statement. Are you really going to act like you know me? Please. *I* don’t know me. I don’t know jack shit about myself, besides the fact that I’m a 3000 year old Egyptian gamer. And yes, I know how fucking dumb that sounds. That’s the sort of description that just oozes bullshit. What kind of vague, half-cocked concept is an “ancient gamer”, anyways? What kinds of fucking games would I even play back then? Did I get into sportsmanly knife fights while taking swigs of the 3000 year old equivalent to Mountain Dew or something? Fuck off with that.

If you haven’t noticed, not knowing fuck all about myself drives me a little batty sometimes. It’s just so little to go off of.

I suppose the silver lining to all this is that I have time to carve out my own identity - which I’ve definitely been thinking about doing for quite some time. I mean, ever since I woke up in the Escherian nightmare room of my soul and thought to myself “why the fuck is my existence like this”, I’ve been trying to give myself something to hold onto.

It’s not nearly as dramatic as it sounds, though. It mostly involved looking up random shit on Wikipedia while Dave fell asleep. It’s basically been my main way of self-education after finding myself, suddenly given new life as what feels like a memoryless husk with ten tons of attitude, a brain full of gaming protips, and a rambling personality. At least I have good company when it comes to that - Dave’s quite the rambler himself. Though never with quite as much force or conviction as I do.

One night I looked up names for swords until I found one that I actually wanted to name myself after. Did you know that a lot of swords are really in your face with their fucking names? Imagine if you knew a living gamer corpse and he named himself “Katana"or “Zweihander"or “Caladbolg"or “The Buster Sword"or some shit. Like, they sound rad or whatever, but come on. There’s no fucking way I’m naming myself something as embarassing as that. My pride would be as dead as I am (presuming that I was ever a living being in the first place) on the fucking spot. But alas, I finally found a good name for myself. 

How does Dirk Strider sound to you?

...Hmm. I get the feeling that this whole tangent about how I named myself post-mortem filled you with revulsion. That’s just the sort of response I wanted, actually, so I’m keeping it.

DAVE: and thats why you have to have a deck filled with a balance between monsters spells and traps  
DAVE: dont be like karkat here and just pile a bunch of various furry and scaly half naked buff ass warrior dudes in your deck without any regard for how they synergize together

Oh hey, it looks like the rest of the gang is just about ready to have a spotlight shone on their conversation again. Let’s see what they’ve got to say.

JAKE: Okay but what if i just want to put a deck together full of cards with art i enjoy so that i can admire them during the middle of play?  
DAVE: you can do that too i guess but dont expect to win  
KARKAT: OH EXCUUUUSE YOU, STRIDER. I THINK YOU’RE FORGETTING THE ONE TIME I BEAT YOU WITH SAID DECK OF WARRIORS OF VARYING SPECIES AND NUDITY LEVELS.  
DAVE: bro do you honestly think that was anything but a fluke  
DAVE: obviously i was distracted by their hot asses  
KARKAT: OH COME THE FUCK ON! YOU KNOW THAT WASN’T IT. THEY ARE LEGITIMATELY GOOD CARDS!!!  
JUNE: they were pretty distracting, karkat.  
JUNE: a little disturbing, too? like, what the fuck is tiger axe’s deal???  
KARKAT: I DUNNO, MAYBE HE’S JUST A FUCKING TIGER WITH AN AXE?  
JAKE: This game has astoundingly blunt and amusing naming conventions then!  
DAVE: look if we want to see a real fucking good card then we can head to my grandpas game shop after lecture today  
DAVE: hes the one i get all my good cards from anyways

In another corner of this college food court, Jane Crocker seems to be taking this time to organize. An important looking briefcase sits on the floor next to her chair, and a folder of what I can only guess is a stack of business documents on her table, likely pulled out after she finished her meal. Her focus is dedicated to neither of these, however. Right now, she’s sorting through her Duel Monsters deck, slowly and methodically, trying to maximize its efficiency. Of course, it’s already as much to her liking as it could possibly be, and has been for quite some time now.

DAVE: if we ask really nicely he might even show off his favorite card  
KARKAT: WHY DOES YOUR GRANDPA PLAY GAMES FOR SMALL CHILDREN.  
DAVE: the same reason we do  
JAKE: Ah yes i see. Your grandfather must be a card game buttocks connoisseur as well.  
DAVE: i mean yes but also the point i was going for was that its a legitimately fun and complex game that like  
DAVE: USUALLY  
DAVE: isnt a high stakes fucking murder death game  
JUNE: you mean like the ones we’ve found ourselves in frequently over the past few months.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: point is hes got this really cool looking card in particular i think yall will like  
DAVE: its called the blue eyes white dragon

Jane perks up, clearly having heard Dave utter the name of this legendary card. Briefly, she thinks, “Is it really possible that the Blue-Eyes White Dragon is waiting for me, in a dump like Dave’s grandfather’s shop?"She almost stands up, before calming herself and sitting back down, so as to not arouse any suspicion. Then, slowly, she shifts her chair, so as to eavesdrop more closely on the conversation. Surely the Blue-Eyes couldn’t be there, she convinces herself, but perhaps it’s best for her to take a look later, just in case. Her eyes, as blue as the eyes of the dragon she desires, are gazing at Dave and his friends with cold ferocity.

Jane has an air of intensity in her day to day life that I'm sure will become obvious to anyone the first time they speak with her. Dave might not notice it, likely due to his general sense of innocence and trust mixed in with a tendency to get lost in his own conversational black holes, but she might be the most spirited gamer here. Like, in the country. She's fucking nuts, especially when it comes to the game of Duel Monsters.

One time, I actually had the chance to play her in a match, back when she learned that Dave had the rare and highly dangerous "Summoned Skull" card and tried to take it for herself, whether by force or other means. And given that I'm, evidently, some sort of ancient, malevolent guardian angel who comes out when gaming gets a little spicy (read: someone's life is at stake, someone's making a high stakes bet with someone else's lives or livelihood, or I feel like stretching my arms a bit), I decided to pop in. Wanted to make the duel a little bit more fun, used my various demonic powers to make the monsters on the cards real. Trapped Jane's mind in a living nightmare for a day where Duel Monster illusions constantly tore her to shreds for trying to cheat in a game, just to take something that was important to Dave.

By the way, I have demonic soul influencing powers. Jot that down if you haven't already.

What? Don't look at me like that.

Okay, so I went a *little* overboard with the "Penalty Game" by sending Jane to a temporary card game hell. She's fine. It's not like I sent her to the Shadow Realm or anything. She's extremely stubborn, so it's not like it had any long term traumatic effect.

(Not for lack of trying.)

\------------------------------------------------------

After a while, Dave and his friends end up heading over to “Kame Game”, the game shop run by Dave’s grandfather, Solomon, who we affectionately call Grandpa Strider. I haven’t really interacted with the man before, since as I mentioned before, I only come out to do things that are actually important. When Dave walks in the front door, we can see him. 

He’s a very short, stocky old man with a surprisingly spiky hairdo, considering that he otherwise shows his age. The man’s got more wrinkles in his face than a balled-up piece of paper. Okay, maybe he doesn’t look THAT bad, but he’s like, a grandfather, you know? His hair is grey, and not in an anime way, but in spite of that he’s got a pretty intense head of hair underneath the bandana he wears. 

Apparently, he’s the one who found the Millenium Puzzle all the way in Egypt, brought it back home with him, and left it unsolved for nearly a decade. What a guy. Completely lacking in ambition. But I suppose you could tell that just from the fact that he owns a store that sells trading cards after a short career in tomb raiding.

GRANDPA: dave! there you are  
DAVE: sup gramps  
GRANDPA: i see you’ve brought your friends over. how are you all doing?  
JAKE: This storefront is quite the palooza of all things tabletop wouldnt you agree?  
KARKAT: THIS IS A PRETTY HOMEY LITTLE SHOP, BUT I GUESS THAT MOST CARD SHOPS KINDA HAVE THAT CASUAL ATMOSPHERE TO THEM, DON’T THEY?  
JUNE: dave said we should come over and check some things out, i think.  
JUNE: you got any movies in here? i’ve been trying to look for a new dvd copy of face off with nicolas cage.  
DAVE: june  
JUNE: i mean it’s not exactly the BEST nic cage movie ever or anything but i’m in sort of a nic cage marathon mood these days?  
JUNE: i’m trying to get a handle on which movies i used to like are like, actually any good? so i’m tracking a bunch down on the side whenever we go to a video store.  
DAVE: june this isnt-  
JUNE: like, did you know that mac and me actually fucking sucks??? that was HUGE news to me, but when i rewatched it, it was just a load of hot garbage.  
JUNE: it wasn’t even like, ironically funny or anything, there was a whole scene of mcdonalds product placement and they did nothing with it.  
JUNE: i guess the gun at the grocery store part was pretty good but-  
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN WATCH ANY PART OF THAT MOVIE WITHOUT VOMITTING UP YOUR OWN INTESTINAL TRACT OUT OF SHEER DISGUST???  
KARKAT: IT WAS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE THAT IT WAS TERRIBLE FROM LIKE, DAY NEGATIVE TWO HUNDRED. YOU ARE WAY PAST ITS FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE OF IT BEING RELEVANT TO ANYONE’S THINK PAN, AND I REGRET ALL THE BREATH I JUST WASTED UPON IT IN THESE PAST FEW MOMENTS.  
JUNE: did...did it make YOU vomit up your intestines karkat?  
KARKAT: IT’S CALLED HYPERBOLE, JUNE. WE ALL MAKE FREQUENT USE OF IT.  
DAVE: june this is a card shop not a blockbuster video  
JUNE: well yeah, blockbuster videos are even more dead than that guy you keep turning into.

Ouch. Got me good, right in the afterlife.

I don’t actually have that much to say on June. We’ll leave it at that.

DAVE: we dont have movies here  
JUNE: oh.  
JUNE: then let’s see that dragon thingy that you were talking about i guess!  
DAVE: gramps you still have your super special one of a kind card  
GRANDPA: my what now  
DAVE: you know your favorite duel monsters card  
DAVE: the one with big blue eyes  
DAVE: and is like  
DAVE: a white dragon idk what the hell else am i supposed to say  
GRANDPA: oh! yes of course  
GRANDPA: but i must ask you all  
GRANDPA: no touching, look at it only from a distance  
GRANDPA: it’s the only one i have after all, and it’s a gift from a dear friend!

Grandpa Strider pulls out a box from underneath the cash register. He takes a key from around his neck to open the box, and turns it toward us. Inside was the Blue-Eyes White Dragon.

JUNE: okay, this one actually doesn’t look like shit. WAY better than tiger axe.  
DAVE: right  
KARKAT: YEAH, IT LOOKS PRETTY FUCKING SPIFFY, GOTTA SAY.  
KARKAT: ITS HEAD IS REALLY JUST ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE, THOUGH.  
JAKE: I think its just a matter of artistic perspective.  
GRANDPA: this card is one of the strongest monsters in all of duel monsters  
GRANDPA: there are extremely few people in the world who have this card and i was just so lucky to know a guy who had one

He’s not wrong, actually. The Blue-Eyes White Dragon is the strongest Normal Monster in the game. 3000 ATK and 2500 DEF gives it some of the highest stats in the game. Of course, some cards have better stats than that, but they’re usually a fair bit harder to get on the field, for one reason or another.

A bell jingles, signalling the fact that somebody opened the door. Cloaked in the light of the outdoor sun is Jane Crocker, dressed in a red suit and black business skirt. Seems she got changed out of her more casual outfit from lunchtime in favor of a more intimidating outfit.

June and Jake stand around somewhat nonplussed, not sure what to make of Jane’s presence. Dave shrinks down slightly, still a little shaken from previous experiences with her. Karkat, meanwhile, is ready to burst at the seams, his usual cranky expression replaced with one of teeth grinding rage.

JANE: I see you’ve gathered your little friend brigade in this quaint little...place, mister Strider.  
JANE: Where’s the one who dueled against me last time, though? Was he unable to make it?  
JANE: Or did he just leave you losers in the dust in favor of doing something actually interesting?  
DAVE: hello to you too jane  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE.  
JANE: My, my. This one’s got quite the temper.  
JANE: Why don’t you tell me about what you’re doing here first?  
KARKAT: WE’RE HERE TO CHECK OUT SOME DUEL MONSTERS CARDS.  
KARKAT: AGAIN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!? DON’T YOU HAVE A BIG FANCY COMPANY TO RUN!?  
JUNE: wait, jane runs a company?  
KARKAT: OH, SHE’S ONLY THE VICE PRESIDENT OF CROCKERCORP, ONE OF THE MOST MORALLY BANKRUPT PUBLIC COMPANIES OF ALL TIME!!!  
KARKAT: WHAT’S HERE THAT’S SO IMPORTANT THAT IT’S KEEPING YOU FROM SELLING ANOTHER FEW HUNDRED MISSILES SO THAT PEOPLE CAN GO OUT AND CARPET BOMB A NATION OR WHATEVER?  
JANE: Oh, wow.  
JANE: I didn’t realize you were so stupid.  
JANE: First of all, the former president, my adoptive mother, “Her Imperious Condescension"herself, is dead, and has been for a few months now.  
JANE: That makes me the president.  
JANE: Second of all, CrockerCorp has pivoted massively from an arms dealing company into one that purely deals in gaming and baking.  
JANE: I’ve already been doing quite well with the shift, too. We’ve been properly destroying and disposing of any military technology that we still had stockpiles of, and have ended production.  
KARKAT: OH, LIKELY FUCKING STORY.  
KARKAT: DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU’D GIVE UP THAT LEVEL OF LEVERAGE, POWER, AND PURE PROFIT?  
JANE: I’m sorry, but do I look like I would need that kind of monetary crutch to succeed? Like I need that contemptuous, warmongering alien bitch’s tactics to take the power I have!?  
JANE: I don’t expect you to believe me, no. But only because you clearly don’t have a single cell of respect in your body!

Honestly, I believe her. Something tells me that whatever fucked up shit she’s got going on, she probably doesn’t actually care much for the business of war. Maybe less due to any altruistic ideals and more due to a hatred for whatever the former CEO represented in her life, but...I dunno. I don’t think she’s all bad.

JANE: Now, where was I?  
JANE: Ah, yes. My third point.  
JANE: I’m here for the same reason as all of you - after all, I’m the number one nationally ranked Duel Monsters champion in the country.  
DAVE: im sorry WHAT  
KARKAT: WHAT.  
DAVE: hold on but that one time we played-  
JANE: What are you saying? I never played you.  
JANE: Out of everyone here, my preferred opponent would probably be the old man, since something tells me he isn’t a complete novice like every single person here.  
JANE: Speaking of which...

She steps over to the counter. Upon seeing the Blue-Eyes White Dragon, her eyes widen momentarily, before she restores her composed demeanor.

JANE: If I may ask...how was it that you came across a card as rare and powerful as the Blue-Eyes White Dragon?  
GRANDPA: and what do you mean by that  
JANE: That’s not the sort of card that usually finds its way into the hands of any old schmuck running a game store - there are said to be only four copies of them in the world.  
JUNE: okay, come on, there’s absolutely no way that isn’t complete bullshit.  
JUNE: what kind of company in their right mind would short print THAT much? i mean, i get driving up the rarity of something to make players scramble for one of a few hundred or even a couple thousand copies out of a hundred thousand, but like...  
JUNE: four????  
JANE: I used to think similarly, but after some quite...extensive searching, I’m inclined to believe the rumor.  
JANE: The economy of this game is, quite frankly, completely baffling. But that doesn’t mean I can ignore the facts here - this man owns one of the only four Blue-Eyes White Dragons on the planet, and I’m prepared to trade for it.

Jane swings the briefcase in her hand upward and slams it down on the solid, non-glass part of the store counter, before feverishly opening it and turning the contents around to Grandpa Strider. Its contents are, of course, Duel Monsters cards. Shitloads of them, packed neatly and divided up into several compartments.

DAVE: jesus fuck that was loud  
KARKAT: YEESH, DRAMATIC MUCH?  
JANE: Take your pick, mister! Would you like this rather pricey, rare monster? Or perhaps you’re more interested in one or multiple of these trap cards?  
GRANDPA: er  
JANE: Or! Maybe, just maybe, it’s possible that you want every single one of these cards I’m showing you to yourself!  
JANE: Well, it’s your lucky day, because I can and will give you this entire briefcase of cards. IF, of course, you give me your Blue-Eyes in return!  
GRANDPA: i’m sorry ma’am but  
GRANDPA: i honestly feel quite content holding onto this card for myself  
JANE: Then name your price! Come on, old man - surely you could always use an extra ten thousand dollars. Perhaps even a hundred thousand?  
JANE: There is no price too large for me to pay, you know, so just-  
GRANDPA: i’m sure that’s true  
GRANDPA: but  
GRANDPA: there isn’t anything you could do that would make me willingly give up my blue-eyes  
GRANDPA: it was given to me by a dear friend a couple years ago and i wouldn’t trade it for the world  
JANE: Ah.  
JANE: And you’re sure about that.  
GRANDPA: yes indeed  
GRANDPA: i’d be positive about this even if the card my friend gave me was as unplayable as an ojama  
DAVE: (damn thats some real boomer integrity right there god bless you gramps)  
KARKAT: (IS IT REALLY? I GET THE FEELING THAT HE’S BEING OVERLY STUBBORN.)  
KARKAT: (NOT THAT I’D REALLY BLAME HIM, THOUGH. JANE FUCKING SUCKS.)  
JANE: So nothing I say or do will change your mind?  
GRANDPA: this card is imbued with the heart and soul of my decades-old friendship with a longtime pal  
GRANDPA: i’m sorry but you’ll have to go looking elsewhere for a blue-eyes if you truly have your heart set on it  
JANE: ..........  
JANE: Listen, you withering old geezer.  
JANE: You are not making this very simple for me.  
JANE: I’m...  
JANE: I’m going to leave.  
JANE: Just let it be known that I gave you a chance.

And with that, Jane slams the briefcase shut and leaves in a huff, slamming the door behind her. 

DAVE: well that doesnt sound good at all  
KARKAT: NO SHIT, DUDE.  
KARKAT: LAST TIME YOU TALKED WITH JANE, THAT BITCH TOOK YOU TO A FUCKING MANSION AND FORCED YOU TO PLAY A GAME LIKE YOU WERE A PROTAGONIST IN THE FUCKING SAW FRANCHISE!!!  
JUNE: wait, have any of us even watched saw?  
KARKAT: THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT AND YOU KNOW IT.  
JUNE: haha, yeah, i guess this is actually a little bit terrifying right now.  
JAKE: Should we do something to make sure your grandpa is safe for tonight or...  
GRANDPA: you kids worry too much!  
GRANDPA: i may not look like it but i can take care of myself. i frequently found myself in way tougher situations than this every day back when i was still adventuring!  
JAKE: You were an adventurer???  
JAKE: Well howdy to ya let it be known that my interest has been quite piqued by your tales of derring-do!  
DAVE: yeah actually im pretty sure we dont have to worry about grandpa  
DAVE: pretty sure theres a video somewhere of him fighting a bunch of wolves in tibet from a year or two ago  
DAVE: i mean not like he DOMINATED or anything but he held his own against three of them and didnt get any injuries  
GRANDPA: i’m sure if miss crocker pulls anything on me she’ll be sorry.  
GRANDPA: now would you like to hear some stories about my expeditions in egypt after i get you all some drinks?  
JUNE: oh man, i don’t know shit about egypt.  
JAKE: Oh my! Did you see any of the pyramids over there and go inside maybe to find and steal a priceless ancient artifact or two?  
KARKAT: HMMM. I’M STILL KINDA...  
DAVE: yeah that sounds pretty good gramps tell em about your history in ancient cultural appropriation or whatever

For the sake of everyone here, we’re just going to gloss over this whole thing. I don’t have time to document Grandpa’s old exploratory stories. We’ve got more interesting shit on the horizon, frankly. 

\-----------------------------------------------------

A few hours later, Dave and his friends found themselves at Burger King, evidently not too worried about what might happen to the old man who works at a game store, or what a billionaire tycoon might do to him. 

DAVE: gotta say  
DAVE: impossible whoppers really are impossibly good

Oh my fucking god, Dave. Are you seriously eating that pale husk imitation of a burger? Come on. Get some fucking meat in you, dude. You know you want that juicy, chemical-laden cut of beef in your stomach. Go on, get back in fucking line and order one. Treat yourself better.

DAVE: puzzle guy wants me to buy him a burger  
KARKAT: AND? SCREW HIM.

The burger’s for you, Dave. I don’t need sustenance. 

JUNE: you know, i’ve been thinking...  
JUNE: what the fuck does someone have to do to be the king of burgers?  
DAVE: well presumably its one of two things  
DAVE: eat a lot of em or make a lot of em  
DAVE: the implication being since this is a restaurant theyre doing the latter  
KARKAT: OKAY SURE, BUT THE **REAL** QUESTION IS WHO WOULD EVEN WANT TO BE THE BURGER KING IN THE FIRST PLACE???  
JAKE: I certainly wouldnt be opposed to it.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT REALLY OPPOSED TO VERY MUCH AT ALL, JAKE.  
KARKAT: FRANKLY, I DOUBT ANYONE WOULD BE ENTITLED TO THE TITLE OF “BURGER KING"OUTSIDE OF PEOPLE WHO GIVE THAT NAME TO YOU AS A BAD IN JOKE.  
DAVE: okay but it’s slightly too cool at this point to be insulting  
KARKAT: ARE YOU HONESTLY TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I COULD BE THE KING OF ANYTHING MORE FUCKING STUPID AND MORONIC THAN BURGERS?  
DAVE: well you could be the king of salads  
KARKAT: IMPLYING I HAVE A VERY TALENTED GREEN THUMB.  
JUNE: you could also be the king of printers! that’d be suitably stupid, i think.  
KARKAT: OH, I WOULD FUCKING **LOVE** TO BE THE KING OF PRINTERS. DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN THAT SHIT LETS ME DOWN???  
KARKAT: I SWEAR TO GOD THEY’RE MEANT TO BREAK DOWN ON ME EVERY FUCKING YEAR. PRINTERS HATE MY GUTS!!!  
JAKE: What if you were like the best duel monsters player ever and that made you the duel king or something?  
JUNE: or better yet, just the king of games in general?  
KARKAT: OKAY, YEAH, THAT WOULD BE PRETTY FUCKING STUPID.  
DAVE: only because im the king of games in spirit  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, YOU REALLY WOULD SAY THAT.  
DAVE: every time shit gets real i just do the little anime glasses motion and shift right into gamer mode  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE A GUY THAT DOES THAT FOR YOU!!!  
DAVE: my point stands

Suddenly, Dave’s phone rings.

DAVE: hello  
JANE: There’s a limousine waiting outside. Go ahead and get in, and take a ride to CrockerCorp HQ.  
DAVE: im sorry what  
JANE: There’s been an...incident, involving your elderly grandfather. Get in if you value his life.  
DAVE: what the FUCK  
KARKAT: DAVE?  
DAVE: holy shit gramps i will be right there

Dave grabs his burger and bolts out of the fast food restaurant as fast as he can, without saying another word. Credit to all his friends, they don’t take long to follow him, trying to ask what the hell is going on as they get into the limo alongside him. On the ride over to CrockerCorp, Dave explains all he knows - that Jane’s got his grandpa, and that he’s in grave danger, for whatever reason. The ride is quiet and the air is thick with solemnity, everyone filled with regret that they didn’t act sooner.

When they make their way into CrockerCorp’s headquarters, a massive skyscraper marking itself as tall even within an urban city, with a strange shape to its base, they get directions to the floor Jane is on. It’s one of the highest floors in the building. The elevator ride is just as thick with tension and anxiety as the car ride prior.

Finally, they arrive. Jane stands dramatically in the lobby, in front of the entrance to what seems to be a much larger room that takes up multiple stories. Dave’s grandpa, flanked by a doctor and a nurse, is resting on a couch nearby, clutching his heart and breathing hard.

DAVE: okay crocker what the FUCK did you do to him  
KARKAT: I FUCKING KNEW YOU WEREN’T UP TO ANYTHING GOOD! WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU BATSHIT GOD DAMN CRONE!?  
DAVE: answer our fucking questions jane  
JANE: Oh, nothing’s wrong with me, boys. Your grandpa, meanwhile, just drank a little bit of slow-acting poison.  
DAVE: im sorry WHAT  
JANE: About an hour after you left his store, near closing times, I came back.  
JANE: Escorted him here for a little game.  
JANE: See, I offered him an ultimatum. I was done trying to pay or bargain for his card - he was going to give it to me, one way or the other.  
JANE: Either he could give me the card, or we could duel for it.  
JANE: The winner would walk away from the duel with all four Blue-Eyes White Dragons, and the loser would have to drink a small vial of poison that would kill us within 24 hours.  
DAVE: jane i dont know how to tell you this but  
DAVE: that is so fucked up on so many levels  
DAVE: what kind of  
DAVE: what kind of shit did you even have to see to even think that shit up  
JANE: I’ll give some credit to your old man, he wasn’t afraid of me. He took my challenge head on.  
JANE: And maybe he wouldn’t have done so bad! But the game itself was very...let’s say, stressful for him.  
JANE: To the point where if he kept playing, his blood pressure would be at dangerous levels.  
JANE: So he forfeited! Willingly took that vial and drank it, comforted by the thought that you would come and see him!  
JANE: And as you can see, I got my deserved reward.

Jane holds up the Blue-Eyes White Dragon that she took from Grandpa.

JANE: There are only four of these in the entire world, you know. And I have all four of them!  
JANE: Only one problem, of course - you can only have three of any one card in your deck. So, to make sure it’ll never be used against me...

Jane takes the Blue-Eyes White Dragon card and turns it on its side. She rips it in half, dramatically throwing both pieces to the side, brazenly littering upon her own floor.

GRANDPA: no...!  
DAVE: oh my fucking god did you seriously just do that  
JAKE: This is a little bit ridiculous isnt it? I mean not only did you just poison an old man for his card but you didnt even consider it worth enough to keep for yourself.  
JAKE: Why would you ever have to go to such measures for something so mundane and-  
JUNE: you CRAZY BITCH!!!  
JUNE: that was one of his most prized possessions for some reason and you just tore it up like it was a piece of garbage!!!  
JUNE: why the FUCK are you murdering someone over something as stupid as a card game!? what is wrong with your brain!?  
JANE: Oh, June. You really wouldn’t understand.  
JANE: As the CEO of this company, I have certain duties, such as upholding an image, exuding professionalism and dominance over all those who dare to get in my way.  
JANE: What kind of bastion of the gaming industry would CrockerCorp be if I, myself, weren’t dead set on being the best duelist in the country, and keeping it that way?  
JANE: Of course, there’s one person who has beaten me.  
JANE: And this is as good a day as any to kill two birds with one stone.

Jane turns to Dave. I can feel her glaring at me instead, somehow, as if her stare pierced Dave’s soul and went straight for mine.

JANE: I’ll make you a deal.  
JANE: If you can beat me in a game of Duel Monsters, Strider, then you can walk away from this.  
JANE: I’ll give you the antidote to the poison that your grandfather took, and you can exact any punishment on me you deem fitting - which I’m sure you can understand.

She expects a Penalty Game if she loses. Just like last time, when I trapped her mind in a void with nothing but illusions of feral, ugly Duel Monsters to keep her company.

JANE: And if I win, I simply won’t give you the antidote, and you’ll have to scramble to find your grandfather’s will and make funeral preparations.  
JANE: I think I’m being pretty generous here, as I’m not even putting you to death for your transgressions against me!  
JANE: Do we have a deal?

Dave looks at the Millenium Puzzle around his neck, then back at Jane. 

DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: we have a deal  
KARKAT: FUCK HER UP, DAVE! TAKE HER DOWN BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!  
JAKE: We will be over here taking care of your grandfather, trying to comfort him. You just need to get that antidote!  
JUNE: kick her ass, dave! we’re all behind you, every step of the way!  
DAVE: thanks guys  
JANE: When you’re ready, step into this room and face your fate! I look forward to a very...interesting duel.  
JANE: See you soon.

Jane leaves through the door she stood in front of. Dave walks forward, towards that same door, slowly. He looks back one last time at his friends who look back with reassuring glances, before soldiering onwards to battle. 

Inside the room is a massive dome with the design of a night sky covered in a huge white spider web painted on, and a massive arena with two small crane-like platforms on each side. Each platform has what seems to be a desk or table with outlined Duel Monsters zones on it, which are replicated in much larger form on the arena itself.

Something tells me that this game is going to be a lot larger in scope than usual.

...Alright, I think you’ve waited more than long enough. After all that setup, all that exposition and breakneck-paced character building and worldbuilding lore dumps, we’re finally here at the main fucking event. We are in the proverbial shit together now, as our paths converge onto the one reason you came here in the first place. You’re about to watch me and Jane verbally duke it out, throw down some cards, and frankly, make a complete ass out of ourselves by playing a game clearly meant for children. This is prime fucking time, baby. We’ve made it.

The Millenium Puzzle begins to shine a shimmering gold, swaying around in front of Dave as if it were being tossed around by a small tornado. He’s enveloped in a pillar of bright white light, and his hair begins to spike up, end on end. His sunglasses transform entirely, from a gaudy pair of aviator shades into a much more appropriate set of spiky, triangular anime shades. Wind almost visibly swirls around him as he gazes into the air, mouth open, transforming into a different person entirely. When the light dissipates, I am standing in his place.

It’s time to duel.

JANE: Uh.  
JANE: Are you going to just stand there after swapping out your sunglasses for tackier ones, or...

(That anime-ass magical Sailor Moon transformation didn’t actually happen, by the way. It just has more visual flair than saying that I took control of Dave’s body, swapped his sunglasses out with mine so fast my eyes couldn’t be seen, and my hair raised a bit.)

JANE: You aren’t answering me.  
JANE: I see how it is.  
DIRK: Sorry, I was busy explaining things in my mind.  
JANE: My god, it really is you.  
JANE: The other Strider, the...  
JANE: You were the one who dueled me months ago, back when I tried to get Dave to ante up his Summoned Skull, weren’t you?  
DIRK: The one and only. How could you tell?  
DIRK: Even Dave’s friends are having trouble telling that I’m a different person most of the time.  
DIRK: Which is like, completely baffling, by the way.  
JANE: A good businesswoman doesn’t go around forgetting the faces of those who do important business with them.  
DIRK: I’d hardly call our first encounter business.  
JANE: I suppose not.  
JANE: But you *did* trap my mind in a hellish void filled with nothing but Duel Monsters in it. That’s not exactly something you can compartmentalize away.  
JANE: And certainly not something that someone as meek as Dave would do.  
DIRK: Right you are on that.  
JANE: I have to thank you, though.  
JANE: My company had been working on certain technologies and your little stunt gave me some...interesting ideas, for some potential applications.  
DIRK: What do you mean by that?  
JANE: Why don’t you walk over to your side of the arena and find out?

Ominous. I like it.

I head on to my side of the dueling arena and quickly glance at all the cards in Grandpa’s deck. Most of the cards in here are garbage, but I suppose I don’t have to worry too much - the meta of this game hasn’t advanced far enough for that to be a problem. I stop looking at the cards about halfway through - they’re probably just all a bunch of weak Normal Monsters and a couple of basic Spells and Traps. Not the most versatile deck, to say the least, but a craftsman never blames his tools. I should be able to wipe the floor with Jane, if her deck is around as good as I think it is.

I shuffle my deck and place it in the corresponding zone on my side’s table, before looking over to Jane for approval.

JANE: Well? Are you going to stand there, or are you going to draw your hand of five cards?  
DIRK: We’re starting already?  
DIRK: This feels a little overly dramatic and spacious for a game, in my opinion. How are we even going to see each other’s cards this way?  
JANE: There’s a display on each of our tables that shows us the opposing player’s cards as they get placed onto the field.  
JANE: Not that you’ll be using it much.  
DIRK: I see.  
DIRK: Well, you’re clearly up to something. But I don’t really have much choice in this but to go with whatever plan you have, don’t I?  
DIRK: Why don’t you start us off, since you’re the one running this show?  
JANE: Of course, with pleasure.

Jane dramatically takes one of her five cards and dramatically slaps it down into one of the Monster Card Zones on the field. It’s a good thing that these cards are made absurdly well, otherwise I’d have worried about the cardboard being worn down slightly from the sheer fucking force of that card playing.

JANE: I play “Dark Blade”, in attack mode!

Suddenly, I begin to hear a whirring noise beneath me. Lights begin to shine from below, as a shape begins to form, appearing in the arena in front of me. After a couple seconds, the lights coalesce into a singular form - a warrior wearing more black and spikes than an entire metal band. His cape billows behind him while he extends a sword towards me. It’s the monster on Jane’s card - Dark Blade.

DIRK: I’m starting to see what you meant when you said I gave you ideas.  
DIRK: Did you seriously plagiarize the demonic shadow power-induced hallucinations I created for you?  
JANE: Well, I certainly couldn’t find any existing copyright for them. And yes, I did actually look for that.  
DIRK: So how does this work, exactly? CrockerCorp’s technology brings the monsters to life?  
DIRK: Aren’t there some much more practical and horrifying applications for this tech, like bringing back people’s loved ones from the dead or something?  
JANE: My my, Strider. No need to get so morbid!  
DIRK: You can go ahead and call me Dirk, you know.  
DIRK: Figure it would make things a lot easier for you.  
JANE: I’m not bringing these monsters LITERALLY to life - these are all simply highly advanced holograms!  
JANE: They add a little bit of excitement to the game, don’t you think?  
DIRK: No kidding.  
DIRK: It’s almost as intense as back then, when I...  
DIRK: ...  
JANE: When you what?  
DIRK: I’m not sure.  
JANE: Did you forget what you were going to say out of a natural habit, or do you share your grandfather’s affinity for losing your mind upon encountering monsters of such enormity?

Something about this situation seems really, REALLY familiar. Like, I was just about to say something about my past, we both saw that. But my memories were just out of reach, I suppose. It’s infuriating how close it felt just then, honestly.

DIRK: Well, these monsters ARE quite a bit larger than they should be.  
DIRK: I always pegged Dark Blade as way more of a manlet, if I’m being honest.  
JANE: You felt a kinship with him, I’m guessing?  
DIRK: What? No. What the fuck are you talking about?  
JANE: Come on, Dirk. You’re not exactly the tallest man on campus, you know.  
JANE: It’s actually rather funny - you project such an aura of confidence and bravado that it feels like you’re much taller than you are.  
JANE: But on closer inspection, you’re a couple inches shorter than even Dave, aren’t you?  
DIRK: Oh my god. Is this really the time for this kind of banter?  
JANE: Duel Monsters games are the time for ALL kinds of banter, Strider.  
JANE: Anyways, CrockerCorp is still working out all the kinks on this holographic projection technology. The public version probably won’t end up being quite this terrifyingly titanic.  
DIRK: I see.  
JANE: That said, it’s your move.  
DIRK: Alright then. Ready to see how a real master of this game plays?  
DIRK: I draw!

Because it’s the second turn of play, I draw a card from my deck. My hand is now made up of 6 cards: “Left Leg of the Forbidden One”, “Swords of Revealing Light”, “Silver Fang”, “Giant Soldier of Stone”, “Scrap-Iron Scarecrow”, and “Right Leg of the Forbidden One”. The legs are fucking useless, and my other monsters are mediocre at best, but the spell and trap in my hand both seem like they could come in handy. I’ll set “Scrap-Iron Scarecrow”, and place my “Giant Soldier of Stone"in face-down defense position, since it has enough Defense points to take on an attack from Dark Blade.

DIRK: I set one card, and set one monster in facedown Defense Position. Then I end my turn.  
JANE: So this is how a “real master"plays? Rather quaint, if you ask me.  
JANE: I draw!  
JANE: I’ll play Saggi the Dark Clown in attack position!

A clown with a sharp face and poofy asshole pants sprouts up from the field in a bewildering display of lights. 

DIRK: Somehow, I thought you were too dignified to play this kind of monster.  
DIRK: But I guess I was wrong about you, in that specific respect. I guess you ARE down to clown.  
JANE: You shut your god damn mouth! Do NOT start with that shit!  
DIRK: Woah, woah, woah, calm down. Jeez, Jane, no need to go all apeshit on me.  
DIRK: It’s not like I’m criticizing you for playing the monster if it works for your deck, it’s just-  
JANE: It’s just what!?  
JANE: Are you going to accuse me again of...of being “down to clown”!? Because I’m simply not going to have it, at all, whatsoever!  
DIRK: Um.

Honestly, I’m at a bit of a loss here. I was NOT expecting her to have such an intense reaction.

JANE: If there was any one thing I could get you to do, it would be for you to never talk about clowns when I’m around. Do I make myself clear!?  
DIRK: Saggi the Dark Clown is YOUR monster. What the fuck.  
JANE: DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR.  
DIRK: Sheesh, and I thought Duel Monsters games were a good place for any kind of banter.  
DIRK: Yes, you have made yourself perfectly clear. I swear to you that if I ever utter anything about clowns in your presence, you can go ahead and punch me in the fucking face, right on the spot.  
JANE: Good!  
JANE: Now, Dark Blade, attack Dirk’s face-down monster!!!

My face-down monster, rendered as a massive card on the field in front of me, flips up and reveals itself as the Giant Soldier of Stone. The massive rock soldier kneels down and guards itself as Dark Blade strikes with his...dark...blades. Yeah, look, a lot of these early cards have some pretty damn redundant names. The swords clatter against my monster’s stone body without doing any damage at all.

DIRK: Unfortunately for you, my monster has 2000 defense points, meaning that you take the difference between that and your own monster’s attack points as damage.  
DIRK: Since Dark Blade has 1800 ATK, well...  
JANE: 200 Life Points is a small sacrifice to see what I’m dealing with.

The life point ticker on my table’s screen makes a strange, unique noise to signify the numbers going down, as the numbers randomize until ending at the correct value of 3800 LP for Jane.

JANE: I’ll go ahead and end my Battle Phase, and place one card face down on the field.  
JANE: It’s your turn, Strider.  
DIRK: Alright, here goes.

I draw a card, and it’s a spell called “Rush Recklessly”. With it, I can target a face-up monster and have it gain 700 ATK until the end of the turn. Thankfully, I have just the card to use with it. Wordlessly, I summon Silver Fang in attack position, and a gigantic, feral white wolf materializes on the field in front of me.

JANE: Silver Fang, huh? Planning on taking down Saggi and getting in a quick advantage over me on Life Points, even knowing you’ll be vulnerable to the attack of my Dark Blade next turn?  
DIRK: Not quite.  
DIRK: I use my Spell Card, Rush Recklessly, to add 700 ATK to Silver Fang. Now its 1200 ATK increases to 1900 for the rest of this turn.  
JANE: Which means...he’s got 100 more ATK than my strongest monster.  
DIRK: Now go, take down Jane’s Dark Blade.

Silver Fang rushes at Dark Blade and pounces on him, biting him on the shoulder. The warrior yells in pain, before shattering into a million hologram pieces that explode off into the distance. The effect isn’t very realistic, but it is rather spectacular to watch.

JANE: I see, you DO know how to play this game.  
JANE: At least, well enough to combine your monsters with augmentative spells in combo attacks.  
DIRK: Oh, Jane. This right here is the least complex this game will ever be.  
DIRK: You haven’t seen anything yet.  
JANE: I’ll take your word for it, Dirk! But for now, why don’t you actually beat me before you start bragging?  
JANE: I still have 3700 Life Points, after all. That’s barely a dent.  
DIRK: It’s your move, then.  
JANE: I draw!  
JANE: I’ll switch Saggi the Dark Clown into Defense Position, set one monster in face-down defense, and set one more card face down. That’ll end my turn.

At this point, she has two monsters and two face-downs. Neither of my monsters have enough attack power to destroy Saggi, with his 1500 defense points. If I could draw a stronger monster right now...

DIRK: I draw.  
DIRK: Hmm. Interesting.  
JANE: Did you draw something good? Even if you did, it won’t be enough to stop me.  
DIRK: I just drew “Gaia, the Fierce Knight”, one of the most powerful monsters in this deck.

DIRK: Of course, since it’s above level 4, I’ll have to tribute monsters in order to summon it.  
DIRK: Level 5 and 6 monsters require one tribute, but Level 7 and higher monsters need two tributes in order to summon them-  
JANE: Dirk.  
JANE: Are you...trying to explain the game to me?  
DIRK: No need to make this about yourself, Jane.  
JANE: I’ve played this fucking game before. I’m an international champion.  
JANE: If you’re going to bring your brand of smarmy condescension to the dueling field, don’t go around treating me like someone who’s never played the game.  
DIRK: Oh, don’t misinterpret me here. I’m providing this explanation for other people.  
JANE: We’re the only two people here! What, do you just love hearing the sound of your own voice that much?  
DIRK: Maybe.  
DIRK: Anyways, if you don’t mind, I’ll sacrifice my two monsters, Silver Fang and Giant Soldier of Stone, to summon this!  
DIRK: Gaia, the Fierce Knight!

I slap the card down onto the table while sending my sacrificed monsters to the Graveyard - the discard pile of this game. On the arena field, Gaia charges in - a knight dual-wielding two crimson lances on top of a surprisingly purple horse. I don’t know why the horse is purple. What matters is that this monster is just about the most majestic thing I’ve laid my eyes on, solely for the equine he rides on. I mean, god damn. If you could see it, I’m sure you’d be just as enamoured with it as I am. I’d bet real money on it.

JANE: I see you’ve finally started to admire my handiwork.  
DIRK: Honestly, they’re even better than what I could do.  
DIRK: Who models and animates all these monsters, anyways?  
JANE: Company secret, Dirk. That’s just not something I can share with you at the moment.  
DIRK: Well then, guess we’ll just have to proceed to the good stuff, then.  
DIRK: Gaia, attack Saggi the Dark Clown! Trample him underneath your horse’s holographic hooves!

Gaia, clearly not paying attention to me, instead rides his mount towards Saggi and throws his lance at him. He’s gonna have to pick that shit up later, I’m not doing it for him.

JANE: Oh my, Dirk! I thought you were a “real master"at this game!  
JANE: But you’ve just ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD!!!  
JANE: Go, Magic Cylinder!  
DIRK: What the-

Jane’s trap card flips up from her side of the field, revealing the Magic Cylinder. Two ornate, carnival-themed barrels with question marks on them materialize in front of Saggi, who smirks with his standard demented clown expression. The lance is absorbed into the darkness of one of the cylinders, then shot out the other, towards me. When it reaches me, it breaks into a flash of light in all directions, as if I just got hit by a massive laser beam. I hear my Life Points go down on the tracker.

JANE: Magic Cylinder takes your monster’s attack and reflects it right back at you!  
JANE: Gaia had 2300 attack points, so you lose that many life points!  
DIRK: Fuck.  
JANE: And just like that, you have 1700 Life Points.  
JANE: Looks like you’ve lost your bravado and confidence along with your life points, though!

Since Magic Cylinder was activated, it goes to Jane’s graveyard now. Same thing with most spells and traps post-activation. Monsters also go to the graveyard if they’re destroyed in battle or by some form of effect. 

Sorry, I should’ve explained that earlier. But I think you probably assumed that something along those lines was happening this whole time. God. I cannot fucking believe I was so thoroughly wrecked by that move just now.

DIRK: Ugh. I end my turn.  
JANE: You’ll soon find out that the humiliation doesn’t end here! I draw!  
JANE: I still have one face down card - and I’ll show it to you now! The Equip Spell card, Amulet of Ambition!

JANE: It equips to Saggi the Dark Clown and raises its attack power during battle - depending on the difference between its level and the opposing monster’s level!  
JANE: Now, since Saggi is Level 3 and Gaia is Level 7, that difference is 4. Amulet of Ambition multiplies that by 500, meaning that Saggi gains 2000 ATK when he attacks Gaia!  
DIRK: What!? 2000 ATK!?  
DIRK: Shit, that means-  
JANE: Since my clown will have 2600 attack points any time it attacks Gaia, your monster is toast, Strider.  
JANE: Now go, Saggi! Attack him with Dark Light Bomber!

Saggi grins maliciously as its new amulet briefly shines around his neck. He raises his arms in the air and generates a massive ball of dark energy, and dramatically throws it towards Gaia. It hurdles slowly towards its target, but with a massive amount of intensity behind it - I can practically feel the wind and would-be debris from the incoming impact.

DIRK: Oh no you don’t.  
DIRK: You’re not the only one who can activate a trap, Jane. I reveal my own face-down, Scrap-Iron Scarecrow!  
JANE: Scrap-Iron Scarecrow!?

A scarecrow made out of metallic trash and junk rises up from the ground and tanks the hit from the dark ball of energy that Saggi shot. Black electric jolts seem to surround it for a few moments, until it becomes clear that it’s fully absorbed the attack.

DIRK: Scrap-Iron Scarecrow can negate one attack you make.  
DIRK: Unlike most trap cards, however, this one lets me use it over and over again. After it’s used, I can set it back on the field, but I have to wait until your next turn to use it again.  
JANE: Hmph! So you bought your knight a little bit of time.  
JANE: No matter. I’ll just take care of him next turn.  
JANE: I’ll end my Battle Phase, place another monster in face-down Defense, and end my turn.  
DIRK: Gotta say, Jane. You really outdid yourself with making this duel feel over the top and exciting.  
DIRK: The pressure I felt from your monster’s attack was far more invigorating than I expected.  
JANE: Aw, shucks. You know flattery will only get you so far, don’t you, Strider?  
DIRK: Isn’t the phrase “flattery will get you nowhere”?  
JANE: Oh, I know what I said. I’m always ready to hear you heap praise upon me and my skills, whether they be in the realm of technological advancements, business, or Duel Monsters.  
JANE: But they won’t give you even a fraction of a chance more at beating me. Remember that!  
DIRK: I’ll keep that in mind.  
DIRK: I draw.

I draw the “Right Arm of the Forbidden One”. Absolutely useless. It’s got 200 ATK and 300 DEF. I shift it to the left side of my hand like the other two Forbidden One cards, and look at the only usable card in my hand - Swords of Revealing Light.

Jane’s got me on the defensive, now. She’s definitely better at this game than I thought she was. Saggi would be able to destroy Gaia if I didn’t have Scrap-Iron Scarecrow. And on top of that, she has two face-down monsters. And though I could flip them all face-up by using Swords of Revealing Light, it also has the effect to stop Jane from attacking for 3 turns. I should wait until she has something more worrying before I play it. For now, I’ll...

DIRK: Gaia the Fierce Knight, attack the monster she just placed face-down.  
JANE: I was waiting for you to do that, actually. Glad to see that my predictions were correct!  
DIRK: What do you mean? You don’t have any trap cards on your field - there’s nothing you can really do right now to stop me.  
JANE: I don’t need trap cards to activate for me to get the outcome I want, Dirk.  
JANE: The monster you attacked is White Stone of Legend! Of course, since it’s a weak monster with only 250 defense points, it’s automatically destroyed by your knight.

JANE: But, because it was destroyed, its effect activates!  
DIRK: I see - White Stone of Legend is an Effect Monster. So it has an effect associated with it, like a Spell or Trap does, that activates when certain conditions are met.  
JANE: Correct you are!  
JANE: Now that it’s destroyed, I get to add one Blue-Eyes White Dragon from my deck to my hand!  
DIRK: Oh fuck.

Jane looks at all the cards in her deck and takes a card, before re-shuffling and putting it back in the deck zone.

JANE: Anything else you want to do before you end your turn, or are you resigned to your fate?

She’s got 3 cards in her hand now, one of which is the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. Next turn, she’ll draw another card, and probably sacrifice both of her monsters to summon it, in which case I’ll be able to stop its attack with Scrap-Iron Scarecrow while I stall for a counter.

DIRK: I end my turn.  
JANE: Then it’s MY turn! I draw...  
JANE: And reveal my face-down monster, Kaiser Sea Horse!

Despite his armor and face having a very angular, spiky, sea-life design to it all, he doesn’t really look all that much like a sea horse when he rises up from the field, armed with a lance and a shield.

JANE: Luckily for me, Kaiser Sea Horse has an effect - it can be used as TWO tributes for the summon of a Light-Attribute monster.  
JANE: And guess what monster is Level 8, has Light as its attribute, and is going to paint the floor with your remains?  
DIRK: Evidently, I’ve grossly misunderestimated your skills at this game.  
JANE: Don’t blame yourself, Dirk. I haven’t lost at this game in a long, long time.  
JANE: But that doesn’t mean you’re free from my wrath!  
JANE: I sacrifice my Kaiser Sea Horse to summon the almighty BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON!!!

Just as briefly as it appears, Kaiser Sea Horse dematerializes into particles of light, as the far more pure, deadly, and terrifying Blue-Eyes White Dragon takes its place. Dramatically, it flies into view with its wings spread wide and its tail whipping around behind it. Its scales shine a pale sheen, and its eyes are so blue they’re practically glowing.

I’d be singing more praises of the dragon’s aesthetic if it wasn’t about to destroy Gaia with its extremely destructive force of 3000 ATK.

JANE: First, Saggi will attack Gaia the Fierce Knight!  
DIRK: Which of course, I’ll block with Scrap-Iron Scarecrow.  
JANE: But now that you’ve used your scarecrow once this turn, your knight is WIDE OPEN!  
JANE: Go, Blue-Eyes! Unleash your rage upon Gaia, with your BURST STREAM OF DESTRUCTION!!!  
JANE: Hahahahahahahaha!!!

Holy shit, did she just do a maniacal laugh? She really did just do a maniacal villain laugh. Hell, she even yelled out the ridiculous anime-esque name for the dragon’s attack. That’s pretty fucking wack, if you ask me. What is it about this game that makes her go so fucking crazy?

I guess she must really be into it. Can’t really blame her, though. Her dragon’s maw opens wide, firing out a pure white beam of concentrated energy at my knight, incinerating him instantly. It’s an intense display of lights and particle effects, so intense that I can practically feel the force of the beam, despite it being merely a hologram. At least, it SHOULD be just a hologram, right? It might be starting to get to me just how real it feels.

JANE: And with that, your knight has been destroyed, and we’re right up near checkmate.  
DIRK: Checkmate doesn’t really have anything to do with-  
JANE: Dirk, I know how to play chess, too. Don’t get so fucking literal with me.  
JANE: ESPECIALLY not while you’re losing so badly. I’ve still got 3700 Life Points, and with that last attack dealing 700 damage, you’re left with only 1000.  
JANE: You started out talking such a big game, but I’m really just not seeing it anymore, Dirk. I’m almost disappointed!  
DIRK: We’re not done yet. I still have some fight left in me.  
JANE: Then go ahead and show me what you’ve got! I’ll pass the turn over to you.  
JANE: But unless you have a way to summon two monsters in defense, or a spell card to turn things around, you’re dead next turn.

I draw a card. It’s a spell card called “Ancient Rules”, which allows me to Special Summon any Level 5 or higher Normal Monster (monsters without effects) without tributing. Unfortunately, I don’t have one of those right now. So all I can do right now...

DIRK: I play Swords of Revealing Light!

Massive, crude neon green blades of light fall from the sky, pinning both Saggi and Blue-Eyes to the ground. Thanks to the Swords of Revealing Light, Jane can’t attack for three of her turns. Good ol’ bladed weapons, coming in clutch like always. 

JANE: Oh my, oh no, not Swords of Revealing Light! Whatever shall I do...  
JANE: ...Really, Dirk? A man of your caliber is reduced to ridiculous stall tactics?  
JANE: You’re just prolonging the inevitable, you know.  
DIRK: Hey, it’s what I’m about.  
DIRK: Prolonging things past their natural expiration date is basically what I’m best at.  
JANE: I don’t know what you’re talking about.  
DIRK: Nevermind that.

Jeez, Jane’s put me in enough of a pickle that I can’t even really make any good smack talk at the moment. Frankly, I’m having trouble even getting into the groove of my snide douchebag narration, which I’m sure you all have been missing greatly. I know you all wanted and expected more of my ingratiating self-aggrandizing, audience-baiting bullshit, but it turns out it’s a little hard to keep up with that sort of thing when one’s ass is getting beat so hard.

JANE: Anything else you want to add to this, or are you going to let your light show say it all for you?  
DIRK: I end my turn.  
JANE: Good! Now let’s proceed onto my turn! I draw!  
JANE: Now I’ll summon Kaibaman!

A man with a white coat, strange looking dragon head helmet, and long brown hair descends onto the field. He doesn’t seem to have any weapons of his own, and he’s decidedly smaller than even Saggi the Dark Clown. I mean, he’s only got 200 ATK points too.

DIRK: I’ve got two questions.  
DIRK: First of all, what are you planning at?  
JANE: Oh, are you not aware?  
JANE: Kaibaman’s special ability allows me to tribute him in order to Special Summon a Blue-Eyes from my hand!  
DIRK: And since it’s a Special Summon, you can bypass the limit of summons you can do per turn, since that limit only pertains to Normal Summons...  
DIRK: Okay. My second question is...what the fuck is this guy’s deal?  
JANE: Pardon?  
DIRK: He’s got a helmet of the Blue-Eyes, but otherwise has a very unrelated design to him, despite the fact that his whole effect revolves around summoning it.  
DIRK: And the name Kaiba doesn’t really have anything to do with the dragon, does it?  
DIRK: So like. Is there lore that I’m missing here?  
JANE: You know, I’ve spent a number of nights wondering the exact same thing.  
DIRK: Ah, you don’t know either.  
DIRK: Maybe in some other universe, he’s the one who controls and masters the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. Or gets eaten by it, or something.  
DIRK: He looks kind of ridiculous. I mean, those shoulder pads? Those black leather pants? Yeesh.  
JANE: How rude!  
JANE: I think he looks great.  
JANE: ...Minus the helmet and the hair, I suppose. That just doesn’t work at all.  
DIRK: Yeah, the helmet looks like shit.  
JANE: Good thing you don’t have to see him for very long then, because I’m putting my second Blue-Eyes White Dragon on the field in his place!  
DIRK: Already!?

A second Blue-Eyes descends onto the field just as dramatically as the first, as Kaibaman withers away into nothingness.

JANE: I may not be able to attack this turn, but the moment your Swords disappear, it’s all over for you, Strider.  
JANE: So go on! I end my turn.  
DIRK: Then I draw.

Dark Magician. He’s level 7 and has 2500 ATK points, making him the strongest monster in my deck, unless I missed anything really good in my earlier check. But that’s still not strong enough to take down Jane’s dragons, or even her ridiculous clown. Maybe if I get an attack boosting spell or Mirror Force, I’ll be able to take some of them down...

Ugh. Being in the disadvantaged state fucking sucks right now. At least when the game updates, there’ll be more options for me to really play around with the deck builds...and there it is again. What makes me so sure of what will happen with the future of Duel Monsters, anyways?

Whatever. I’ll have time to reflect on that shit later, probably.

DIRK: I’ll use my Spell card, Ancient Rules, to Special Summon the Dark Magician from my hand!  
JANE: The Dark Magician, huh?

The ultimate wizard in offense and defense rises up from the ground, cloaked in the rainbow lights of a magical aura. His outfit, a dark shade of purple, is a mess of angles, extending to his pauldrons and his ridiculous looking hat. But like, if I’m being real, he looks like he might be kinda jacked? He’s much larger than a person would be, the way every monster is in this simulation, but...I dunno, man. He looks like a wizard who’s been hitting the gym as much as he hits the magical library. Big brain and big muscles, and all that.

DIRK: Hooo. Damn.

The Dark Magician looks back at me. At first, his expression is solemn, the face of hardened calm, similar to what I’ve worked hard to achieve in my own base expression. It shifts very suddenly, though, as his lips curl into a smirk. His gaze towards me is brief, but his grin is shit-eating, as if to note “huh, it sure is *interesting* that you just spent a paragraph admiring my magical muscles”. I look at Jane. Jane looks just as confused as I do. I look back at my monster, who I could swear just snickered, before it turns back towards the dragons and clown on Jane’s field.

What the fuck just happened.

DIRK: Uh.  
JANE: Are you two good?  
DIRK: You saw that, right?  
JANE: I saw you ogle the body of a fifteen foot tall wizard who, as far as I could tell, made bedroom eyes at you before laughing.  
JANE: The animator working on this one must’ve been extremely cheeky.  
DIRK: That’s not...  
DIRK: Fuck it. I end my turn.

I’m losing my fucking mind here. Is it just me, or have I used Dark Magician before? I’ve only played this game a couple times, haven’t I? Except that...I know way more about this game than I should. Hell, there are concepts within this game that even the creators don’t seem to acknowledge - is it because they don’t exist yet? Or because they somehow existed in my past life? What the fuck is going on?

I look at the field. Dark Magician vs Blue-Eyes. It feels so familiar. It feels so RIGHT. Why does it feel that way? Why does it feel like I’m having a moment of deja vu, despite the fact that there’s no way that would make any possible sense?

JANE: I draw.  
JANE: You know, usually Roxy is the one that sizes up the wizards. I bet you two would get along like a house on fire!  
DIRK: Jane, please shut the fuck up.  
JANE: I’ll go ahead and end my turn now.  
JANE: One more turn before the swords are gone, and then you’ll be done for.  
DIRK: ... 

I draw. “Left Arm of the Forbidden One”. Fucking garbage. What I need right now is a card that can make Dark Magician stronger than Blue-Eyes, or a trap that can...

Wait a minute.

I have four cards in my hand. The Left Leg, Left Arm, Right Leg, and Right Arm of the Forbidden One. They’re all pieces of a singular being, a singular-

Fuck, my head feels like it’s been shoved into a fucking locker. I know this, I KNOW what these cards mean, what they form, what they’re supposed to do when I break the seal...

Break the seal? What seal am I...

It feels like every time I reach for my memories, someone shakes my head like it’s a carton of orange juice or some shit. All my thoughts get jumbled around, all the puzzle pieces are...

The puzzle pieces...?

JANE: Dirk?  
JANE: You’ve been standing there for quite some time now, and you haven’t said anything. It’s quiet without your snide remarks.  
JANE: I mean, I know I poisoned Dave’s grandfather and all, so I shouldn’t exactly be trying to be comforting you or anything, but...

Why am I thinking of this thing as a puzzle? What IS this thing...who, or what is the Forbidden One, and why do I feel like I know? 

It’s in my past, in a mass of jumbled memories that I can’t retrieve. All that comes to mind when I try to grasp onto any past sense of self I might’ve had is...is...

Exodia.

His name calls out to me. I know him, somehow.

Exodia, the Forbidden One.

I have to complete him. I have to put him back together to win this game.

I need Exodia to beat Jane. And that means I’ll have to find his last piece, the one card in this deck I need. Until then, though...

DIRK: I’ll end my turn.  
JANE: Dirk, did you hear any of what I just said?  
DIRK: Huh? No, sorry.  
DIRK: I was...  
DIRK: ...  
JANE: ...  
DIRK: I was shifting into gamer mode. You know how it is, seeing as you’ve done it so often during the course of this game.  
DIRK: If I were sitting down, you’d see a marked shift in my posture as I start leaning towards the TV and grip the controller. I’m all focused now.  
JANE: Is that so.  
DIRK: And before you try to knock me down a peg, it’s not over yet. Far from it.  
JANE: Good to have you back. I was afraid I had broken you already!  
DIRK: Lucky for you, I don’t break.  
DIRK: Your move.  
JANE: I draw...  
JANE: And my, my! Look at this little spell I have - Double Summon!  
DIRK: I assume you get to summon twice?  
JANE: It’s a blunt name for a card, for sure. But it will do exactly what I need it to.  
JANE: First, I summon Battle Ox.

  
What can I say about Battle Ox? It’s an ox with battle armor and an axe. It’s kinda ripped, but its proportions are a bit out of control, so it’s not really that great looking.

JANE: Next...you know what’s coming, don’t you, Strider?  
DIRK: Oh boy. Don’t tell me-  
JANE: The THIRD Blue-Eyes White Dragon! I sacrifice my Battle Ox and Saggi the Dark Clown to summon you!

And with that short move, my Dark Magician stares into the face of death itself - three dragons, white as snow with eyes as blue as the ocean itself. He’s hopelessly outmatched out there right now. 

JANE: And with the end of my turn, your Swords of Revealing Light disappear from the stage!  
JANE: On my next turn, even with your Scrap-Iron Scarecrow, I’ll destroy your Dark Magician and end this duel!  
DIRK: It’s not over until the last card gets played, Jane.  
JANE: Defiant to the very end, I see. Well, be my guest.  
JANE: All the more fun to tear down a man at his most confident!  
JANE: It’s your move, Dirk. Let’s see if you can make anything of it.  
JANE: But let me tell you right now - it’s all over.  
DIRK: ...

This is it. The moment of truth.

If I don’t draw the card I need right now... 

I can’t think of it that way. What I need to do to win isn’t think of all the possible outcomes where I fail.

All I need to do is draw Exodia. I can do that. I can still bring this game back to my corner of the court. And I will. All I need to do...

...is draw that card!

DIRK: I draw!

............ 

Scrap-Iron Scarecrow. 

Shit.

Well, that certainly didn’t end up being as dramatic as I hoped. But I can still make a play from this. Maybe Jane will think I have a more powerful trap that can make my Dark Magician more powerful, or destroy her dragons outright. I can bluff my way right through this one.

DIRK: Looks like it’s time for this duel to finally come to an end, one way or another.  
DIRK: You’re going down, Jane. I place one card face down and end my turn.  
JANE: Oh, Dirk. Are those really going to be your last words?  
JANE: Very well. I’ll deliver you the courtesy you never showed me, and make your loss quick and relatively painless.  
JANE: I draw!  
JANE: I know you have a trap set for me, but whatever you have, it won’t be enough!  
JANE: GO, MY THREE BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGONS!!!  
JANE: Wipe that Dark Magician off the face of the Earth! TRIPLE BURST STREAM OF DESTRUCTION!!!  
DIRK: Not so fast, Jane!  
DIRK: I reveal my two face-down cards: both of which are Scrap-Iron Scarecrow!  
DIRK: Two of your Blue-Eyes’ attacks are negated, meaning that this duel isn’t over!  
JANE: But your Dark Magician is! My third Blue-Eyes will finish him off!

Two of the beams of pure, white energy are absorbed into two junk-laden scarecrows, while the center one hits its mark, vaporizing the Dark Magician instantly. The Life Point ticker flips through its numbers and I’m left with a scant 500 Life Points.

JANE: And just so that you don’t get any ideas, I’m going to get rid of those pesky scarecrows right now!  
JANE: I activate Twin Twisters! Now, by discarding one card - the only other card I had in my hand - I get to destroy up to two Spells or Traps on the field.  
JANE: And I think you know just the two that I’m aiming for!  
DIRK: Damn it. You really are quite thorough, aren’t you?  
JANE: You don’t become CEO of a billion dollar corporation without being thorough, after all.  
JANE: Not to mention cutthroat and ruthless.

As Jane dramatically plays her Twin Twisters spell, two tornadoes plow through both of my facedown traps, shattering the renderings of both cards into a million pieces.

I’ve got nothing.

I’ve got four cards in my hand. Four pieces of Exodia. If I can just draw the last piece, if I can just do that...

But why would I be able to do that? Why do I have so much boundless confidence in my skills that I can still pull out a victory, against all logic, against an opponent who’s outpaced me so massively? Who in their right mind would think they could still win here?

Let’s face it. I got ahead of myself, and I’m fucking toast. Jane got a lot better since last time, both in strategy and sheer tenacity. Why do I even think Exodia would turn this around for me? I don’t even know what the hell it does!

I reach for my deck, prepared to draw a card. Except I can’t bring myself to do it. Dave’s grandfather is going to die because I got cocky. Jane’s not going to give me the antidote, Exodia isn’t going to save me, and whatever I draw, I’m about to ruin everything. I guess karma finally caught up with me. 

I feel so frozen. It’s like the deck is moving away from me as I reach for it. It’s as if it senses my doubt, my fear, my self-loathing, and rejects me entirely. It’s as if-

KARKAT: HEY ASSHOLE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?

It’s as if-

KARKAT: DAVE, LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU, YOU RIDICULOUS EXCREMENT-SNIFFING BUFFOONISH FUCK!

Okay, hold the fuck up. What kind of insult is that? Or is that some like, absurdist pet name or something?

DAVE: (oh damn dude have you seriously never listened to any of karkats turns of phrase theyre wonderful)  
DIRK: (Uh.)  
DIRK: (I didn’t know we could talk like this.)  
DAVE: (yeah me neither i just heard karkat say some shit and was like)  
DAVE: (boy oh boy what kind of insane swears has he mixed together)  
DAVE: (its like watching a guy make experimental smoothies by blending like, apples and soy sauce or something)  
DAVE: (except instead of fruit and food its just various synonyms for the words shit and fuck mixed in with baffling fuckin)  
DAVE: (i dont know where i was going with this actually)  
KARKAT: OKAY, CLEARLY YOU ARE NOT DAVE, AT SECOND GLANCE.  
KARKAT: IF YOU WERE, I WOULD’VE HEARD YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HOW STUPID I AM.  
KARKAT: SO YOU’RE PROBABLY THAT OTHER DAVE, THE ONE THAT’S AN EVEN MORE INSUFFERABLE AND PROFICIENT GAMER SOMEHOW?  
DIRK: Yeah, that’s me. Go ahead and call me Dirk.  
KARKAT: NO, YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
DIRK: Excuse me?  
KARKAT: I MEAN, YES, I WILL CALL YOU DIRK, BUT YOU SHOULD STOP SAYING THINGS FOR A HOT SECOND.  
KARKAT: OUT OF THE LIKE, THREE TIMES I’VE SEEN YOU, I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU ANYWHERE CLOSE TO THIS FUCKING NERVOUS!  
KARKAT: AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY THIS.  
KARKAT: CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS, YOU DUMBASS.  
DIRK: I’m sorry, what???  
DIRK: Dave, can you talk some sense into this guy?  
DAVE: (i wanna see where this goes)  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
JANE: Karkat, is that you?  
JANE: I see you’ve come to watch Dirk lose all hope of saving his grandfather. Are the rest of your little cheerleading squad not available to pester him?  
KARKAT: I WILL GET TO YOU IN A MINUTE, CROCKER.  
KARKAT: LISTEN, STRIDER. JAKE TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD COME UP HERE AND CHEER YOU ON DURING YOUR MATCH. AND HONESTLY, I THOUGHT THAT WAS A LITTLE BIT OF A STUPID FUCKING IDEA.  
KARKAT: YOU STRIKE ME AS SOMEONE WHO HATES THE IDEA OF PEOPLE CHEERING FOR HIM MID-MATCH.  
DIRK: Well, if your idea of a cheer is this, then you might just be onto something. Your pep talk kinda fucking sucks.  
KARKAT: AND THAT’S WHY I’M NOT HERE TO CHEER YOU ON!  
KARKAT: I'M HERE TO TELL YOU TO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.  
KARKAT: YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD SAVE GRAMPS WITH A GAME, BIG FUCKING WHOOP! MAYBE YOU CAN!  
KARKAT: BUT PINNING THIS KIND OF SHIT ALL ON YOURSELF ISN’T SOMETHING YOU CAN JUST KEEP DOING, ESPECIALLY IF IT’S JUST GOING TO KEEP PUTTING ME, JAKE, JUNE, AND EVEN DAVE HIMSELF IN RISKY SITUATIONS!  
KARKAT: WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS...  
KARKAT: WE’RE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU. I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN WIN THIS, WHATEVER THE FUCK IS GOING ON.  
KARKAT: GONNA BE REAL, I AM LOOKING AT A FUCKTON OF DRAGONS FROM DOWN HERE AND I HAVE ZERO IDEA OF WHAT’S TRANSPIRING.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU’VE GOTTEN OUT OF TOUGHER SPOTS THAN THIS! AND EVEN IF YOU DO LOSE...  
KARKAT: ME, DAVE, JAKE, JUNE - WE’RE ALL GOING TO BACK YOU UP, NO MATTER WHAT, IF ONLY FOR DAVE’S SAKE. EVEN IF YOU LOSE, I’LL FIND A WAY TO TAKE THAT ANTIDOTE EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!!!  
KARKAT: SO STOP SULKING AND KICK JANE’S ASS!!!  
DIRK: Damn.  
DIRK: Your friend is a shouty one, Dave.

But he's right. I have to get over myself and play. And with Dave’s friends backing me up, there's...well, I can still lose. Let's be real.

But it doesn't seem nearly as scary a possibility now that I know they're always here, in my heart. And yes, I know how corny that sounds. 

DAVE: (weve got this man)  
DAVE: (are you ready to make it hapen)  
DIRK: (Let’s make this shit take place.)

I reach for the deck once more. No longer paralyzed by fear, my hand finds itself on the top card. Just as I feel Dave's friends - my friends - here with me in spirit, so too can I feel the soul of my deck, calling out to me. Extending its hand toward me just as I extended my hand towards it, as if to form a bond with me. I can feel a metaphysical barrier shatter between me and this deck, as though I've connected myself to it on a deeper level.

Is this...the Heart of the Cards?

JANE: Are you done listening to your little friend try to give you the most mind-boggling lecture on the value of friendship ever, or are you going to stand there and stall your defeat!?  
JANE: Draw your last pathetic card so I can end this, Strider!

I take the card and draw it, flipping it so I can see it. What I see puts a small smile on my face.

DIRK: My grandpa's deck has no pathetic cards, Jane.  
DIRK: But it does contain...

I reveal the card I just drew. Jane's expression shifts instantaneously from a smug grin to a shocked face, mouth agape in horror at what is about to transpire.

DIRK: The unstoppable Exodia.

JANE: You...  
JANE: You drew EXODIA!?  
JANE: That’s impossible! Absolutely impossible!!!  
JANE: Nobody’s ever been able to summon him before - never, in the history of Duel Monsters!  
DIRK: Then I guess we’ll be in the history books, Jane. Because he’s already here.  
DIRK: I’ve assembled all five “Forbidden One"cards, all five pieces of Exodia’s puzzle.

I lay out all 5 cards on my table for them to be scanned. Immediately, I feel rumbling around me, as the holographic projectors begin to materialize a massive rune-laden circle behind me, before a massive, chained-up arm claws its way into existence through it. It grabs the circle, its titanic leg stepping outside of the dimension it was presumably sealed in and into the field of battle. One by one, Exodia’s limbs make their way in, until Exodia pops his head through, finally whole once more.

He’s terrifyingly powerful, I can feel it. He’s definitely far more than a hologram, even if Jane believes otherwise. His presence alone dwarfs that of anyone inside the arena - even the three Blue-Eyes shift backwards, as if to brace for an impact. Exodia’s leg alone physically dwarfs the dragons - hell, his head alone is bigger than me. 

DIRK: He who has all 5 pieces of Exodia in his hand instantly wins the duel.  
DIRK: Sorry to break it to you, Jane. But you’ve lost.  
JANE: No, that’s...that can’t be! I had you! I can’t...  
DIRK: Exodia...  
DIRK: Obliterate.

Exodia throws its arm backwards, as if it was ready to throw a haymaker. His hand unclenches, energy gathering from all around his body into a ball in his hand. After a few seconds, his shoulder shifts as his arm shoots forward, blowing the energy ball up into a massive laser beam of yellowish light that vaporizes all 3 Blue-Eyes White Dragons at once, and practically blinds everyone in the room.

When the dust settles, Exodia is gone. Jane’s Life Points are at zero, and I’ve won by the skin of my teeth.

DIRK: Looks like I win.  
JANE: It’s not fair...it’s not FUCKING fair!  
JANE: You were on the backfoot the whole time, you were this close to losing...!  
JANE: So how was it that you pulled off a miracle!? How did you snatch victory from my clutches!?  
DIRK: Jeez, Jane. You don’t have to say it like you’re a supervillain.  
JANE: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Dirk, but I poisoned your grandfather just to erase the scars of defeat you inflicted upon me last time!  
JANE: Do you think you get to deprive me of the dramatic “How can this be"speech that I deserve to make? Because I’m not having it!  
JANE: ...I suppose, though, that since you did win...

Jane fishes out a vial from her pocket and chucks it all the way across the arena at me. Damn, talk about a throwing arm - usually people who make a living playing cards don’t have the strength of a quarterback. I catch it in my hand.

DIRK: This the antidote?  
JANE: I’m a woman of my word, Dirk. I lost. You won.  
JANE: But don’t think I won’t come back even more ruthless, even more determined to take back my title from you.  
DIRK: I look forward to it. This was...honestly heart-pounding.  
JANE: Now then. Inflict your “Penalty Game"on me.  
DIRK: What?  
JANE: Don’t tell me that you’ve gone soft, Dirk. I know you have some sort of psychological punishment ready for me, some kind of mind torture like the kind you did last time.  
DAVE: (what the fuck is she talking about)  
DIRK: Ah. Yeah.  
DIRK: I was thinking we could actually skip that.  
DIRK: I got what we need already, and I doubt that-  
JANE: Don’t be a fool, Strider! Do you honestly expect me to be content with a game where I put up no stakes? Do you think I would rather you take pity on me than suffer???  
JANE: If you were in my position, you’d want just the same, wouldn’t you?  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: You’re right.  
DIRK: Fuck it, let’s do this.  
DIRK: If you want a fresh start, if you want to be engulfed by the metaphorical flames of rebirth, I’ll help you with it.  
JANE: What did I say about going soft?  
DIRK: Oh trust me, this is far from that.  
DIRK: I plan to banish the darkest parts of your soul to oblivion. When I do that, you’ll have to put yourself back together, piece by piece, trapped in the confines of your own mind.  
DIRK: Up to the challenge?  
JANE: Not really sure what you mean by “darkest parts”, but...it wouldn’t be much of a game if the loser didn’t lose big.  
DIRK: Then you understand.  
DIRK: Mind Crush.

I extend my hand dramatically forward as my shadow magic flows into Jane’s body. 3000 year old forces that could be described as slightly demonic shatter the inside of her mind, and all the thoughts inside of her that carry with them the most intense malice, greed, and rage are all obliterated, just like her monsters. I lower my hand, and Jane collapses to the floor.

It doesn’t take long for the on-site medical team for CrockerCorp to send a few people to take her to a place for treatment. The rest is up to her, though.

DAVE: (what the fuck is with you two)  
DIRK: (Hmm?)  
DAVE: (you and jane have some really intense fucking thoughts about gaming and stakes dont you)  
DIRK: (...)  
DIRK: (I suppose we do, yeah.)  
DAVE: (well uh)  
DAVE: (that was only mildly freaky and fucked up so lets call that an improvement i guess)  
DIRK: (Yeah. She’ll be fine. I know she will.)  
DAVE: (thats good)  
DIRK: (More importantly. I think it’s about time we get back to Grandpa and help him out.)  
DIRK: (I’ll let you take over from here on out. Is that alright?)  
DAVE: (yeah)  
DAVE: (thanks i guess)  
DAVE: (for helping save my grandpa)  
DAVE: (and for saving me and my friends all those times)  
DIRK: (Where’s this coming from?)  
DAVE: (i dunno i guess i just never thanked you properly for bailing us out of all those deadly situations)  
DIRK: (I’m the one getting us into those a lot of the time anyways. No need to thank me for doing the least I could do.)  
DIRK: (If you want to thank anyone, thank Karkat. He was...surprisingly helpful, today.)  
DAVE: (i dont think it was that surprising but yeah)  
DAVE: (guess ill let him know)  
DAVE: (and a three two one lets go)

Dave would go on to administer the antidote to his grandfather, save his life, and reunite with his friends. They’d celebrate a hard-fought victory, while I’d rest within the rooms of my soul, waiting for my next battle. That duel took a lot out of me, and I’m pretty fucking fatigued at this point.

But life marches on, ever forward, and I will too. I’ll see you next time there’s a game that needs to be played.

\---------------------------------------------

Hundreds of miles from Dirk’s confrontation with Jane, a man in a gaudy red suit sits in a shadowy, unlit room, holding a glass of wine in his right hand. His hair, long and silver, covers the left side of his face while he gazes at the screen in front of him.

Jane Crocker has just fallen unconscious, and has been hospitalized at CrockerCorp headquarters. She had just lost a duel to a man known as Dave Strider.

Moments later, another man, one employed by the man already described, approaches the room with the already-confirmed news of the CEO’s defeat. With this news, he adds that the largest shareholders in CrockerCorp would like to speak on the phone about an earlier proposition. The red-suited man chuckles slightly at the mention of this, and takes a sip of his wine. His left-eye, an ancient artifact made of gold, shines in the light of the monitor.

PEGASUS: Hmmmmmm...How very interesting...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most duels will be a lot shorter than this, I swear. That said, I feel like getting the rules of a game infodumped upon you is very reminiscent of early Homestuck in a lot of ways, isn't it?
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed! Feel free to leave a Kudos and/or a comment if you liked it - I always enjoy seeing what people say about my work!


	2. Dirk, Predictably, is Bored as Hell

??????: Looks like I win again.  
??????: Where does that put our record? 18 to 3, with me waaaay ahead of you?  
?????: I don't think you can count it as winning when you find yourself obliterated so many times in quick succession.  
??????: Oh, I'm not talking about the game itself. Just our little side rivalry going on.  
??????: Another two wins and you'll owe me a few rounds of drinks, you know.  
?????: Ah, yes. How I long for the old days, those legendary moments at the taverns where, frankly, we got far too wasted far too often.  
?????: Unfortunately, it's not like our current forms allow us much freedom on the "get blackout drunk at a bar to relive the glory days" front.  
??????: That's too bad! I always liked watching you nearly crumble to a single shot.  
??????: Then again, I suppose people of your skillset aren't known for their rate of alcohol consumption.  
?????: Neither are people like you.  
??????: I wonder if your little protege could handle her own in a drinking contest.  
?????: No need to bring my student into our little game, you know.  
?????: Well, former student, I suppose. She’s certainly had enough time apart from me for her to not consider me her teacher.  
?????: And she’s capable of far more than I am, in a lot of respects.  
??????: Maybe I should start up a little rivalry with her, then.  
??????: A little scuffle or two with her could be fun *and* sexy.  
?????: Really.  
??????: I’m serious!  
?????: Oh, I’m not questioning you or your seriousness. I’m just judging you.  
?????: Besides, while I’m sure she’d share your enthusiasm, that doesn’t mean she’d share your vicious tendencies.  
??????: Whaaat? Me, vicious? Come on.  
??????: Honestly, though - where is she? Maybe I really SHOULD discuss some details with her. Get into the nitty gritty and all that.  
?????: She’s busy doing a bit of programming.  
??????: Right. That whole arrangement.  
??????: Speaking of programming, the Solid Vision system Jane created really was quite incredible, to say the least.  
?????: As much contempt as I already hold for her, you’re right.  
?????: I was apprehensive at first, but once it booted up, it was the most alive I had felt in years.  
??????: You said it.  
?????: Speaking of Jane, just what is it that keeps you so attached to her, anyways?  
??????: Good question.  
??????: My time with the Jane we got to know long ago was filled with unease and tension, to say the least.  
??????: Maybe I just want to see if she has the capability for deep, inner change. The way that he said she could.  
??????: Maybe I want to see how it all plays out with her. How she reconciles her twice-dirtied past of riches and blood money with her capacity and desire for love from others - her desire TO love others.  
??????: And maybe I'm morbidly curious to see what happens if she completely falls apart.  
?????: Maybe you're just gay as hell.  
??????: Oh, well. That was a given.

The two stand amidst the empty darkness, watching closely for what's to come.

?????: You think those two will duel again?  
??????: Dude.  
??????: There's absolutely no way they wouldn't duel again.  
?????: You're putting a lot of faith in someone who's basically dead.  
??????: Don't talk to me like you aren't doing the same thing!  
?????: You got me there.  
?????: But ultimately, it doesn't really matter to me whether a duel between those two comes once again.  
?????: I just need to carry out my duty, simple as that.  
??????: Duty, duty, duty. You really are such a one-note guy, aren't you?  
??????: You've been inside too damn long. You really need to get some fresh air and have a little fun in your life for once!  
?????: There's quite a bit to worry about in the upcoming months, I feel. That's not really the sort of attitude you should be having.  
??????: What is this, tone policing coming from the losing party?  
??????: Come on now, you know I'm just as serious about this as you are.  
?????: I suppose you're right.  
?????: Besides...who said that this job wouldn't be any fun?

\----------------------------------------------

It’s been 3 months since the duel.

Jane Crocker is still comatose.

CrockerCorp, as most are probably aware, is largely known these days as a gaming company that sells various gaming accessories. Most famous for its dueling arenas that turn a simple yet wildly complex game of cards into a fast-paced, destructive spectacle for people worldwide, it's found its niche and performed extremely well in it, in spite of its dramatic shift from its previous function of arms dealing and weapon design. 

Jane Crocker, before she drifted off into unconsciousness, was many things. An heiress to a company whose image she changed to suit her own desires. A gamer, hellbent on proving her utter domination over all those who found themselves on the other side of the table. A fiend, who could resort to such despicable methods as poisoning if something particularly drove her. Perhaps even murder wasn't outside of her capabilities, or desires. It's hard to say how she'll continue to be defined by these after she wakes up - IF she wakes up - as she still puts together the puzzle of her own soul, her own identity in this world. However, two things have remained true about her for her entire life.

Jane Crocker was nothing if not resourceful. And if there was anything that motivated her, it was spite.

CrockerCorp hollowed out the corpse of its Military Research and Development facilities and converted it into centers for the creation of game-related products. Anything and everything was converted. High grade missiles were converted into rockets used to send satellites up into space for online tracking systems, used for CrockerCorp's more online projects. Artificial intelligence projects and virtual war simulation machines were turned into Jane's personal testing partners for card games, and the foundation on which Solid Vision systems were built, which she used for the first time publicly against Dirk. Even the "designer" tanks got scrapped and their chairs got sold as gaming chairs. Everything was recycled, and all of it out of spite towards her former stepmother, known to people only as Her Imperious Condescension.

One of the things that was not scrapped, however, was CrockerCorp's absurdly competent medical facilities. In addition to the fact that the medical research labs were making surprisingly important strides in the field of medicine for an offshoot of a gaming company (or an arms company, for that matter), Jane always found it useful to have a medical team on-site, in case anything happened to her. Or, more importantly, to her adoptive sibling, Roxy. 

Jane often liked to tell Roxy that the on-site healthcare was an immense draw for prospective employees, and though she certainly didn't want to hire anyone who would eventually find themselves dissatisfied with their job, the excellent healthcare provided extra...incentive, she would say, to keep them working for her. Roxy usually just nodded and chuckled at being told any of this.

There had only been two times that Jane needed the medical team to look after her. The first was back when she tried to take Dave's Summoned Skull for herself, at which point Dirk had taken over, dueled her, and trapped her mind in an unending nightmare of being in a void, attacked and eaten over and over and over again by the most vicious Duel Monsters he could conjure. Dirk, like Jane, was utterly ruthless, especially when it came to the people he cared about. But even he would have winced if he stayed for the aftermath - the result of his "Penalty Game" called for twenty four hours of screaming, mind-inflicted psychosomatic pain, grisly hallucinations - the doctors who took her in hadn't seen anything like it in a long time. Though Jane wasn't in mortal danger, it was likely due to the painkillers and drugs being used to put her under so soon that made her later revenge relatively bloodless. In that time, Roxy sat at her bedside, waiting for her to wake up, hoping as much as they could that she would be okay at the end of it all.

The second time, of course, is now. And again, Roxy sits by her, waiting.

Today, however, they are accompanied.

ROXY: gonna be real w u callie  
ROXY: im startin 2 think that maybe janes proclivities towards havin a "normal life" dont exactly work when she starts gettin in her weird murdertech moods  
CALLIOPE: what do yoU mean by that?

Calliope, Roxy's longtime friend and confidant (and more recently, partner) of Cherub descent, sat curiously in a chair a couple feet apart from Roxy's, the both of them overlooking Jane's hospital bed. In comparison to Roxy's slight slouch and surprisingly casual demeanor, Calliope sat more upright, an aura of politeness evident from their hands placed gingerly on their lap. Outside of Roxy's presence, they felt somewhat out of place in any part of the corporate monolith they found themselves in, let alone the pristine, sterile, depressing hospital room they currently occupied. Certainly, they had been well acquainted with Jane for years, and would even say that Jane was a friend if they were asked about it. But perhaps not enough of one to feel comfortable watching over her comatose body for months.

ROXY: well i mean  
ROXY: jane usually loves 2 go on n on abt how she wants her life 2 b as normal and boring and all that jazz as possible  
ROXY: but u KNOW how she loves usin her riches to get in all kinds of crazy shit  
CALLIOPE: like card game motivated assassination?  
ROXY: YEAH i mean this is what  
ROXY: dark magic horror time part 2 electric dunkaroo  
ROXY: and yes i know dunkaroos are a batterwitch idea but jane and i kinda liked the small time baking sect of the company so u kno  
ROXY: it do be what it be  
CALLIOPE: wait, dUnkaroos are a betty crocker thing too???  
ROXY: god imagine how we felt lmao  
ROXY: anyhows  
ROXY: the point is bein that  
ROXY: ever since she turned into the ceo she likes to fuck around!  
ROXY: and thats fine or w/e but this is the 2nd demon magic induced coma shes gotten into  
CALLIOPE: i mean, we're all college students right?  
CALLIOPE: can't she just do recreational drUgs like the rest of Us?  
ROXY: EXACTLY  
ROXY: like  
ROXY: idk callie its a whole fuckin lot every time  
ROXY: i mean its been a massive freakin leap for her personality from like  
ROXY: the orphanage to here yknow?  
ROXY: have i ever told u bout the orphanage???

Roxy's told Calliope about the orphanage so many times that they've both lost count. At this point, Calliope might as well have been there themselves. Every drip of memories that Roxy had provided about their early childhood before adoption, both good and bad, had been lovingly savoured by the cherub. So when their partner brought up the orphanage once again, poised next to their motionless adoptive sister, they knew very well that they were reminiscing of better times, melancholy undertones though there may have been.

CALLIOPE: of coUrse, and i remember every word.  
CALLIOPE: bUt if yoU wanted to recoUnt yoUr time spent once again, then i'm all ears, as they say.  
CALLIOPE: even thoUgh i sUppose i technically don't have ears?

Calliope smiles softly at their own quip. They feel a slight pang of guilt, wishing that they could do more for Roxy than merely listen. In a sense, they feel that their inability to do more speaks to a greater fear of theirs - that their care for Roxy is somehow a deception upon the self, an attempt to convince themselves that they're capable of an empathy that is beyond them. 

After all, if they could truly care about people, why don't they have much interest in when Jane wakes up? It could as easily be confidence that things will be better, as it could be that they don't care for Jane outside of her relation to Roxy - that they don't care for Roxy's wellbeing so much as their life story. All they've been doing is listening to that life story, day in and day out, trying to gauge the most supportive emotional response to have. Is that the sort of thing a normal person would do for a loved one? Wouldn't a partner be solving that problem instead, or at least helping in a more active way?

Calliope thinks to themselves, their smile disappearing. If they're useless to Roxy, and they aren't capable of empathizing, then what ARE they here for? Are they just here to emotionally manipulate a story, an array of emotions, out of them? Do they even love Roxy, or do they just want to hear more about their past so that-

ROXY: nah its all good  
ROXY: i think gettin into all that depressin shit would b way more suited for some other time i think?  
ROXY: like idk, when things be gettin REAL sad and tragic  
ROXY: or if shit really reaches a critical point and turds just go flyin RIGHT into that metaphorical fan

Calliope's train of thought was stopped dead in its tracks by Roxy's response. They exhale in seemingly out-of-nowhere relief, not realizing that their breath was held. Their smile returns as Roxy's interjection reminded them of one simple fact - that all of that they were just thinking was complete bullshit.

CALLIOPE: and we haven't reached that spot with yoUr sister in a coma?  
ROXY: i mean its JUST a card game coma right?  
ROXY: janey should be fine  
ROXY: i even talked to june and dave abt it all and got the whole sitch explained to me  
ROXY: i think  
ROXY: they seem a little iffy on the general details BUT they know that thingsll be better  
CALLIOPE: well, that's reassUring, at least.  
CALLIOPE: ...  
CALLIOPE: wait  
CALLIOPE: are yoU really sUre that that's a good idea?  
ROXY: huh?  
CALLIOPE: talking aboUt that sort of thing so directly with yoUr sister's enemies, i mean.  
CALLIOPE: like don't get me wrong i hang oUt with them a fair bit too, and in general they seem pretty cool?  
ROXY: lmao  
CALLIOPE: okay yes, "cool" isn't the greatest slice of vernacUlar with which to describe them on a day to day basis.  
CALLIOPE: i'm jUst saying that even thoUgh they're very amiable and friendly, they DID put your sister in a coma? twice?  
ROXY: well see on the ONE hand ur totally right  
ROXY: if janey was awake shed give me several tons of shit over "fraternizing with the enemy" or w/e because i felt like gaming in a non company setting  
ROXY: which like  
ROXY: fair enough i g  
ROXY: as far as im concerned takin over an arms facility and turning it into a bureaucratic nightmare of a gaming n baking conglomerate while attempting murder on 1-2 people is a net good and im comfortable w the implications of that at this point  
CALLIOPE: trUly, yoU are making some progressive strides as a corporate entity in the entertainment industry.  
ROXY: lmao  
ROXY: but yeah i GUESS i would feel kinda bad  
ROXY: if jane were awake to get mad at it  
ROXY: but she aint so whatcha gonna do?

Calliope giggles at this.

CALLIOPE: hehehe  
CALLIOPE: fair enough!  
ROXY: but yeah enough abt jane for a bit shes gotten plenty of time to listen to us rag on  
ROXY: ive been meanin 2 ask u for a whiles now  
ROXY: whats w/ the funky jewelry w/ the eye on it???

Calliope looks down towards the golden, almost wheel-like piece of jewelry hanging from their neck. Five spiked cones hang on the underside of the large ring, in which a triangle with an eye is inscribed, not unlike a differently oriented Millenium Puzzle. Calliope's expression goes stern and solemn for a moment, before their face returns to their usual, more cheery smile.

CALLIOPE: oh, this?  
CALLIOPE: i believe this is called the milleniUm ring.  
CALLIOPE: my foster father actUally got it dUring oUr trip to egypt when i was very yoUng, and ever since then i've had it.  
ROXY: a ring huh  
ROXY: i mean it looks v pretty on you!!!  
ROXY: but i wouldnt really consider it v much of a ring?  
ROXY: like it strikes me as more a crazy ornate necklace or somethin  
CALLIOPE: oh, no, the milleniUm necklace is a very different object, i imagine.  
CALLIOPE: apparently it's a whole set of seven ancient artifacts???  
CALLIOPE: bUt i only really know aboUt this and dave's pUzzle.  
CALLIOPE: and it's...well, it's a lot less "helpfUl" than the pUzzle, i woUld imagine.  
ROXY: damn that kinda sucks tho  
ROXY: it really do be makin it hard for me tho  
CALLIOPE: oh? how do yoU mean?  
ROXY: how am i supposed to getcha a suped up spiffy new ring when youre always wearin one that already looks so good on ya callie  
ROXY: not that im not up to the challenge tho!!!  
CALLIOPE: what?? oh, no, yoU don't have to do anything like that for me!  
CALLIOPE: that's very sweet of yoU thoUgh, roxy. i'm sure i'll cherish anything yoU give to me in sUch good faith, though!  
CALLIOPE: yoU coUld probably gift me with no more than one of those hard candy rings and i'd wear it every day, thinking of yoU.  
ROXY: omg  
ROXY: you really do just want to end my heart right here dont you damn  
CALLIOPE: too mUch?  
ROXY: course not!!!  
ROXY: it was like a strong ass feelings punch straight to the feels zone of the soul tho  
ROXY: srsly though if i ever get u anythin itll def be a lot fancier than a ring pop so look forward 2 it  
CALLIOPE: oh, of coUrse!

\----------------------------------------------

In another corner of town, the students of Domino City College were busy - not with coursework or lecture, nor with any recreational acts of debauchery. Rather, they were busy experiencing the day’s last rays of sun as the colors of the sky meshed together in a beautiful, vibrant cascade of oranges and purples. Most students would leave the grounds of the campus in awe of the beauty that surrounds them, if only for a moment.

Neither Karkat nor Dave were one of these students. They were far more enraptured by something - or someone - else.

KARKAT: DAVE, YOU HAVE TO FUCKING HELP ME, DUDE.  
KARKAT: FOR WHAT I AM ABOUT TO ASK OF YOU, I AM LITERALLY PREPARED TO GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND SLOBBER UNGRACEFULLY OVER ALL OF YOUR DISGUSTING, DIRT-RIDDEN LACES OF YOUR HUMAN FOOT ARMOR.  
DAVE: karkat i dunno what to tell you but like  
DAVE: i am not ready for that level of commitment  
KARKAT: WHAT? NO, SHUT UP, I’M TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING LEGITIMATE HERE. STOP WITH YOUR SICK FANTASIES.  
DAVE: oh you WISH i had sick fantasies  
DAVE: anyways just tell me what you want dude  
DAVE: and no begging or bootlicking please  
KARKAT: I...  
KARKAT: I NEED YOU.  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: TO HELP ME FIX MY DUEL MONSTERS DECK.  
DAVE: yes okay cool i mean  
DAVE: yeah that sounds like what this whole conversation was leading up to  
DAVE: can i like  
DAVE: ask why  
KARKAT: DAVE, IT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE WE STARTED PLAYING THIS GAME. SHOULDN'T IT BE OBVIOUS?  
DAVE: i mean i understand wanting to win against me when you lose to me basically every single time but like  
DAVE: surely theres someone else that you could go to for help if you need to defeat me specifically right  
KARKAT: I'M NOT ANYWHERE NEAR CLOSE TO YOUR LEVEL, DUDE.  
KARKAT: I'M LOSING TO JAKE!!! JAKE FUCKING ENGLISH!!!  
DAVE: oh fuck  
DAVE: i mean lets be honest with ourselves like  
DAVE: jakes a lot smarter than any of us give him credit for  
DAVE: including himself  
DAVE: so im not too surprised that hes like  
DAVE: winning per se?  
DAVE: but  
KARKAT: DAVE, I'M GETTING FUCKING DESTROYED BY JAKE'S OBAMAS.  
DAVE: ojamas  
KARKAT: THAT'S WHAT I SAID, ISN'T IT?  
DAVE: yes i was just in shock  
DAVE: but okay yeah if youre getting dunked by ojamas played by jake then like  
DAVE: maybe there IS something wrong with your deck?  
KARKAT: GLAD WE'RE ON THE SAME SLICE OF BOOK.  
DAVE: god i love it when you use the jankest possible phrases for ordinary colloquialisms  
DAVE: here show me your deck  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT. HERE.

Karkat fished out a deck of forty or so cards from his pocket, completely unaware of Dave's expression of mild judgment behind his sunglasses, and unaware of the fact that he should probably have a deck box if he was going to continue playing this game. The edges of the cards were thinning and much more malleable than they were at their opening, though still certainly in playable condition for any casual match. Dave took Karkat's deck and perused through its contents, looking at each card as he rested his back against a nearby campus tree. 

Normal monster. Normal monster. Effect monster with a bad effect, another normal monster, a weak fusion monster with horribly specific components...was this deck filled with naught but monster cards? Dave's eyebrows scrunched closer and closer together, his lips un-pursed in exasperation. Karkat's eyes grew wide as he realized both the incoming direness of the card situation, as well as the fact that he said "Obama" earlier, when he meant to say "Ojama".

DAVE: so i take it you havent ever watched the youtube video series titled "duel monsters deckbuilding for assholes" have you  
DAVE: or read the book version  
KARKAT: OF COURSE NOT. BUCKMINSTER FUNNYUNCLE IS A LOUDMOUTHED HACK, WHATEVER HE WRITES OR MAKES VIDEOS ABOUT.  
DAVE: so basically just exactly like you  
KARKAT: EXACTLY! I DON'T NEED AN INFINITE FEEDBACK LOOP OF SELF-AGGRANDIZATION WHEN IT COMES TO CARD GAMES, I CAN DO THAT ALL BY MY FUCKING SELF.  
KARKAT: ALSO, FRANKLY, I DON'T WANT TO GET ADVICE FROM A BOOK THAT FEELS LIKE IT WOULD CALL ME ANY NUMBER OF VILE SLURS.  
DAVE: good because it does pretty much exactly that  
DAVE: instead you have me to recommend you a much better teacher  
KARKAT: DAVE I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS INTRICATE DUEL APPRENTICESHIP PROCESS.  
DAVE: are you kidding they could probably open up a school on this sort of shit  
DAVE: theyve done it for esports and dueling is getting basically just as big somehow  
DAVE: not to mention its just as fuckin complicated  
KARKAT: WHATEVER, WE'LL BE OUT OF SCHOOL BY THE TIME THAT THAT SHIT TAKES PLACE.  
KARKAT: WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS WHAT ABOUT MY CARDS WAS MAKING YOU QUITE LITERALLY FUCKING CRINGE.  
DAVE: okay well first you have to agree  
DAVE: to take some lessons from my grandpa on how to play this damn game  
DAVE: he taught me everything i know so im sure he could dispense some solid advice  
KARKAT: THAT...  
KARKAT: ACTUALLY DOESN'T SOUND LIKE TOO BAD OF AN IDEA, HONESTLY.  
KARKAT: YOU THINK YOUR GRANDPA WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?  
DAVE: hes old and a gamer at a small local card shop of course he would show you around the ropes  
DAVE: hes a very nice man who i wish i hung out with more often as a kid tbh  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT THEN, I GUESS I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE. I'LL TAKE SOME LESSONS FROM HIM!  
KARKAT: HELL, WE COULD START WALKING OVER TO HIS SHOP RIGHT NOW!  
DAVE: thats the fuckin spirit  
KARKAT: BUT REALLY. TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY DECK.  
DAVE: well uh  
DAVE: its all monsters dude  
KARKAT: WELL YEAH! I PUT IN AS MANY BIG BAD MONSTROSITIES AS I COULD FIT IN THERE!  
DAVE: the thing is that  
DAVE: in any card game you want to have cards that do one of two things  
DAVE: the first thing that you would want is cards that can enable your monsters to make game winning plays either by furthering a combo or allowing you more options  
DAVE: and the second is that you want cards that allow you to break down any tricky defenses of effects that your opponent might have  
DAVE: now you can do all of this with a monster centric deck but like you obviously did not have any of this in mind  
DAVE: in general if you dont know what youre doing then you want a deck balanced with spell cards and trap cards alongside the monsters  
KARKAT: HUH.  
DAVE: i mean every time you play a game with jake with these cards i can only imagine that you summon one or two monsters a turn and pass  
DAVE: so even when you get a monster with high attack on the field its fodder to be destroyed by ojama delta hurricane or something  
KARKAT: FUCK. FUCK!  
KARKAT: YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, OJAMA DELTA HURRICANE IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE.  
DAVE: and thats why you want some non monster cards in your deck  
DAVE: then when your board gets hit by that inevitable hurricane or whatever else your opponent throws at you  
DAVE: you have a way to summon more monsters or revive your old ones  
DAVE: or even stop that card from being played  
KARKAT: THERE ARE CARDS THAT DO THAT???  
DAVE: oh karkat this game is popping off with so many cards you have no clue about  
KARKAT: AND THAT PRETTY MUCH SUMS UP WHY I NOW BEGRUDGINGLY COME TO YOU AND YOUR GRANDFATHER FOR ADVICE! AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO ADMIT IT, IF I'M LOSING TO TINY FREAKS IN SPEEDOS ON A REGULAR BASIS, I'M DEFINITELY ON THE LACKING END OF WHATEVER SPECTRUM I'M TALKING ABOUT.  
DAVE: theres still a few hours before gramps store closes  
DAVE: we could head on over right now  
KARKAT: THANKS DAVE. I'D LIKE THAT A LOT.

Dave handed Karkat back his deck, which Karkat stuffed sheepishly into his pocket. The violet hues of the sky began to fade into black as they started walking towards the game shop without a care in the world. The street lamps lit up one by one along the way, as the dark shroud of night slowly fell over Domino City. By the time they made it to the shop, the sky was pitch black.  
It took a little bit of convincing on Dave's part for Grandpa to agree on teaching a stubborn novice like Karkat the inner workings of Duel Monsters, but once Dave painted it as a challenge for him to overcome, his grandfather agreed without further hesitation. 

What took place as a result were two harsh weeks of after-class practice in the form of deck constructions, duel puzzles, mock duels, and straight-up duel theory reading, the last of which Karkat assumed HAD to be complete bullshit. And perhaps on some level, it was. But he could tell that even as he struggled to absorb all the information being thrown at him, he certainly knew much more about how to play the game than he did prior. He was starting to gain quite a bit of confidence that, not only could he take down Jake with no problems - he could probably go toe-to-toe with Dave, or even the spirit of the Millenium Puzzle. 

So to test his newfound strength, he decided to take his skills to a regional Duel Monsters qualifier tournament in the nearby area, the following weekend. The matches in themselves held little to no details of interest, and he entered without letting a single one of his friends know about the tournament, so to go into specifics about the minutiae of every encounter the troll had during the 64-person tournament would be a waste. So instead, we'll simply dispense with the results.

He placed in the Top 8.

Staggering growth, to be sure, from a neophyte duelist. But nonetheless, Karkat left disappointed. And perhaps rightly so. After all, this simply wouldn't be enough against future opponents he would find himself doing battle against.

And with the stakes he felt the need to bear as a burden, those wouldn't be duels he could afford to lose.

\----------------------------------------------

MEENAH: yo serket  
ARANEA: Are you suffering from a mild case of pre-match jitters?  
MEENAH: what me  
MEENAH: no way  
MEENAH: just thinkin its been whale over a month since you got me into this nerd ass card game  
MEENAH: baited me in hook line n sinker all that jazz  
MEENAH: and its just a little cray-zy that we made it to japans top two duelists  
ARANEA: It's...  
ARANEA: Certainly evolved quite a 8it, since the time I started. You got in during a very interesting time.

About two months after Jane and Dirk's fateful game, Duel Monsters started to get big to an unforeseeable degree - not just in its surging popularity, but in its content as well. In a baffling move, Industrial Illusions, the company that created the game and handles the creation of rules and cards, began printing thousands upon thousands of different cards with seemingly no cohesive release plan. Archetypes released their first cards in strange, unrelated booster packs, often referring to cards that didn't even exist yet in their effects. And due to the volume of variance in the cards being released, the number of prints of each individual card was staggeringly low (though not nearly as low as that of the Blue-Eyes).

General upkeep with the details of these releases were rather shoddy as well - even top players found themselves overwhelmed with the massive number of new cards coming out. There were no online databases, official or community made, for these new cards - although Industrial Illusions assured customers that any real card would work seamlessly with CrockerCorp's holographic dueling arenas, and that any fakes would automatically be caught by the arenas' anti-piracy systems.

There was heavy experimentation in the field of deckbuilding, for sure. But it would be some time before most players got a grasp of how good certain decks were, how certain cards fit together, and how to truly succeed in this game. And even with that in mind, there were rumors floating around concerning the existence of strange white and black cards, though nobody has ever shown proof of any such things existing...

Aranea and Meenah's rises to fame came in the absence of Jane and Dirk (or, to the unknowing public eye, Dave). For obvious reasons, Jane wasn't available to participate in any tournaments. Dave, meanwhile, had declined to comment on the reason behind his absence upon taking Jane down. As a result, the fame and fortune in the ever-growing Duel Monsters circuit trickled down directly to the remaining two top duelists of Japan - Meenah and Aranea.

MEENAH: and  
MEENAH: ?  
ARANEA: And what?  
MEENAH: and aint it weird to you that im crushin it at this dnd knockoff  
ARANEA: Meenah, this game is literally nothing like Dungeons and Dragons.  
MEENAH: my points swimmin even better then  
MEENAH: it dont make much sense is all im sayin  
ARANEA: Well, let's just say that the 8iggest threat in the world of dueling are out of the picture for whatever reason.  
ARANEA: Though I'm not sure that even she would've had time to get used to all these new cards.  
ARANEA: No8ody really has.  
ARANEA: You see-  
MEENAH: oh shit is that our match startin?  
MEENAH: gee i guess you dont have time to start expositin n shit  
MEENAH: sea ya in the ring serket dont take it too hard when my dinosaurs slam dunk all over you

Aranea was glad that she never told Meenah about the various Fish decks that she could have built. Duels between the two would've descended into a veritable mess of nautical wordplay, if she had any knowledge that she could build one.

ARANEA: Likewise to you, Meenah. My insects don't take challenges like that lightly!  
MEENAH: oh pssshh  
MEENAH: come on now just cus this is a circuit doesnt mean youll take this yknow  
ARANEA: What? How does that have anything to do with my chances of winning?  
MEENAH: well duh  
MEENAH: your name  
MEENAH: bein serket  
MEENAH: and this match bein the end of a circuit  
ARANEA: I mean.  
ARANEA: You could've said something like "This'll be the end of two Serkets today".  
MEENAH: serket do you honestly think i give a shit about pun efficiency here  
ARANEA: Yes???????? It's most of what you give a shit a8out????????  
MEENAH: well not today bitch lets get this fuckin party STARTED

After a lengthy introduction for the two contestants by the tournament coordinator, the two took their places within a repurposed stadium, in which a large CrockerCorp holographic dueling station had taken up a sizable portion of the field. It was a national championship, and it was the final match - the winner would take first place within the Duel Monsters circuit, and take home a prize of three thousand dollars, as well as an assortment of prize cards, mats, and other products that Industrial Illusions likely wanted to push. And at the top of it all was two women - neither of whom thought themselves anywhere close to the best at this game. 

Choosing not to think of it any further, ladies began to shuffle their decks, with their eyes on the prize, ready to battle their longtime friend, for the fun and the glory. And the worldwide debut of a slightly more mass-produced version of CrockerCorp's holographic technology would christen this battle to be as dramatic and highly anticipated as-

JUNE: hey karkat what the fuck are we watching right now?  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

\----------------------------------------------

June gestures once again to the television, her eyes squinting in confusion. On the television, which Karkat had been watching intently, was Aranea and Meenah getting ready for the National Duel Monsters For once, I agree with her fucking sentiment. Why is he wasting time watching this schlock?

Even at Nationals, I really, really doubt there's any good duelists yet. Especially with this whole card situation. Absolutely fucking wack release of cards, if you ask me. It doesn't really even make any sense from a marketing strategy.

JUNE: i mean what i said???  
JUNE: like, what more do i need to say than "what is this that we are currently watching, with our various eyeballs"?  
KARKAT: WELL GEE, I'M FUCKING SORRY THAT I COULDN'T INDULGE YOUR QUESTION WITH AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE.  
JUNE: but you responded immediately though???  
KARKAT: THAT'S A "GIVE MY BRAIN TIME TO PROCESS" QUESTION AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT.

I mean, if they at least put out some specific cards and pointed to them as cards to build a deck around, then sure. I would fucking get it. I would understand if they hyped up some powerful cards and had us all scramble to buy booster packs in order to figure out what sorts of combo pieces could even lead to us figuring out how to build a deck like that. It'd be the epitome of money grubbing bullshit, I think, but we're talking about a trading card company - that's basically the entire job description.

But no, they just pumped thousands and thousands of cards into an obscene number of packs with absolutely no warning and left us to figure it out. I suppose the sense of discovery is something, but I've basically had to sit here for hours just to try and figure out how to build a deck out of this completely random assortment of cards. 

I suppose calling this a Sisyphean task would be exaggerating, not to mention extremely pretentious, but you know what? I am basically pushing a boulder up an endless hill with this game. And maybe it's just because I've latched onto the utter insanity of it all, but I am actually quite happy with myself. 

Everything clicks together when I'm building this deck. Every card has a purpose, a slot within the deck, an interlocking mechanism that is functionally pointless without the whole. Unlike my current situation, everything about this game makes *sense* to me.

JUNE: well i mean.  
JUNE: i guess it should've been pretty obvious that this was some kind of duel monsters tournament.  
JUNE: but why are we watching it?  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I'M-  
JAKE: Oh that? Karkat just said that he wanted to really get into all the finer aspects of the game or something.  
JAKE: Something about really wafting in the energy of the competitors gives him that sporting feeling of vaguely educational fulfillment i imagine!  
KARKAT: OKAY, THANKS FOR INTERRUPTING ME. ALSO, FOR THE RECORD, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT HOW I EXPLAINED IT TO YOU.  
KARKAT: FRANKLY, IT'S A VERY STRANGE AND ODDLY SEXUAL WAY OF PUTTING IT.  
JAKE: It is basically the same idea though isnt it?  
KARKAT: I JUST HAVE A STRONGER REASON TO GET VERY, VERY DEEP INTO DUEL MONSTERS RIGHT NOW.  
KARKAT: SO I'M TRYING TO STICK MY BULGE AS DEEP INTO THE METAGAME AS I POSSIBLY CAN.  
JUNE: karkat, that was just even more sexual than jake's explanation!  
KARKAT: IS IT? THAT'S JUST A REGULAR EXPRESSION.  
JUNE: people don't usually say that they're getting ready to thrust their dick into a card game, dude.  
KARKAT: WELL-  
JUNE: and before you even try to say anything on the subject, i know for a god damn fact that this isn't some kind of weird and quirky cultural difference the way that quadrants are.  
KARKAT: QUADRANTS ARE LITERALLY A FOUNDATIONAL STRUCTURE OF TROLL SOCIETY???  
KARKAT: THEY ARE NOT "WEIRD" OR "QUIRKY". THEY ARE COMPLETELY NORMAL, IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE FUCKING WAY.  
JAKE: Perhaps not but they do strike to me as a bit of a rigid and unnecessary hobbling up of general polyamory.  
JUNE: oh god.  
JUNE: listen, we're not about to get into heated discourse about literally the only thing karkat gives more of a shit about than duel monsters.  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU, JUNE. WE ARE IN A HOLE OF OUR OWN MAKING.  
KARKAT: MUCH LIKE YOUNG SHIA LABOEUF, IN THAT ONE MOVIE ABOUT PITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT.  
JUNE: and i'm saying that, much like the movie holes, we would all be a lot better off completely forgetting about the conversation we're about to get into.  
JUNE: even with dave here, we just get tired talking in circles and circles about a lot of wild, stupid bullshit that, frankly, we all have sort of similar opinions on anyways.  
KARKAT: NO WE DON'T????  
KARKAT: HAVE SIMILAR OPINIONS, I MEAN.  
KARKAT: BUT I GET YOUR POINT, I GUESS.  
JAKE: I mean given that dave isnt exactly present for the conversation we could always ask a third party for their opinion on the subject.  
KARKAT: HUH?  
KARKAT: OH, RIGHT.  
JUNE: i mean i GUESS now's as good a time as any for us to talk with him, since karkat's tv duel is still in the pre-match hype up phase or whatever.  
JUNE: though he seems kinda busy right now...  
JAKE: Well he could be busy with us! We do want him to be included in the group after all.  
KARKAT: EHHHHHHH.  
KARKAT: SURE, FUCK IT.

I'm only vaguely listening to their conversation when the whole crew walks up to me. What they see on the table in front of me is what I've occupied myself with - a massive set of cards being arranged in what, to them, must look like an incomprehensible pile of shit. 

Okay, well, it's not actually too unreasonable for them to figure out what I'm doing. I've got a lot of packs that I'm opening, which I've put over to the top right corner of the table. In the bottom left, I'm assembling a deck, with each card splayed out such that I can see every unique card I'm putting inside of it. Spells go in a second row, with trap cards going in a third. The garbage cards I see no use for at the moment go in various piles to the bottom right, while the ones that vaguely interest me for their effects or stats are in neater, deck-shaped piles in the top left, turned around so that I don't confuse them with the cards I'm putting into my deck.

There's still a lot of packs to open, but the general structure of my deck is looking about as good as it's going to get. I reach over and open another. Mostly garbage. But it's got one more copy of a card I wanted in my deck, so I throw it in. Karkat, June, and Jake are all sort of staring at me, seemingly unsure of my process, or how to broach a subject with me. And for good reason - the last times they tried to do it mostly involved them asking about the various times I put people into comas, or crushed the evil centers of their minds like grapes.

God, I have to do everything out here, don't I? Well, I'm a master of socializing as much as I am at gaming, so go ahead and watch me work my fucking magic. 

DIRK: Hey, guys.  
DIRK: Need something?  
KARKAT: YOU KEEP ASKING THAT EVERY TIME WE COME UP TO YOU.  
KARKAT: YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE SOME OF US WANT TO ENJOY YOUR COMPANY INSTEAD OF HARANGUING YOU WITH QUESTIONS OR ASKING FOR ADVICE ABOUT THE NEXT DEATH TRAP WE FIND OURSELVES IN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK?  
DIRK: Would it be wrong of me to say no?  
DIRK: I know that, at the very least, you aren't all that interested in spending time with me, since I'm mostly in the way of you spending time with Dave.  
DIRK: He says hello from the soul room, by the way.  
DIRK: Also a lot of fake-woke bullshit about the sanctity of troll romance and the possible methods with which to disconnect it from the problematic aspects of society that it's interwoven in, but I'm positive you know exactly what he thinks, so I'm going to leave it at that.  
JUNE: okay so i know that you probably meant that there's some kinda strange weird meta physical room that represents the dividing line between you two's souls or whatever?  
JUNE: but for a second there i thought that dave might've suddenly gained a taste for jazz after years of making up his own raps.  
DIRK: Uh huh.  
DIRK: Listen, if you guys don't need anything, then I'd like to get back to work, if possible.  
DIRK: Never know when another situation will call for a duel, and frankly, I don't want to have an inner monologue about realizing the power of friendship to boost my confidence every time I get into a tight spot.  
DIRK: Like, sure, you guys are here to back me up or whatever, and I'm grateful. But somehow I doubt that'll be something that applies to every single situation under the sun.  
DIRK: Sometimes you just gotta get shit done by yourself, you know?  
KARKAT: COOL, COOL, YEAH, WHATEVER YOU SAY.  
KARKAT: LISTEN, HONESTLY, MAKING NICE WITH YOU WAS MOSTLY JAKE'S IDEA. HE WAS THE ONE WHO THOUGHT THAT GETTING TO KNOW YOU BETTER WOULD PROBABLY ACTUALLY WORK OUT BEST FOR ALL OF US.  
DIRK: Is that so?  
JAKE: We honestly dont really know that much about you as a person, dirk.  
DIRK: Well, that makes two of us.  
JAKE: And maybe it would possibly be a mite beneficial for all parties if you opened up a little?  
DIRK: Whatever works for you.  
DIRK: Again, though - I'm a little busy.  
JAKE: Hmm...  
JAKE: Well i guess we could start by asking what it is youre trying to do with those card arrangements.  
DIRK: Right now, I'm building a deck for myself.  
DIRK: Since they released an unbelievably massive number of new cards lately, I figure that it'll take a while for people to catch onto how to best play this game.  
DIRK: However, it's pretty obvious that, eventually, people ARE going to catch onto some kind of meta for the game in its current state, and I want to be ready for that.  
DIRK: Monsters with low attack points and without effects, hard to summon monsters, useless spells and traps - these really won't fly in a circumstance where duels mean life or death, like they did against Jane.  
DIRK: And I get the weirdest feeling that I'm...that we're not long from being in one of those types of situations.  
JAKE: Oh. Yikes.  
DIRK: Yikes is right, Jake.  
JAKE: So what youre doing is taking each card that you have and organizing them into a list of good and bad cards, before putting all the good cards into your deck?  
DIRK: Not exactly.  
DIRK: See, this game functions on having a wide variety of deck-specific strategies.  
DIRK: Some cards that are obscenely good in one deck are abysmal in another.  
DIRK: I'm already pretty far into my deckbuilding process. What I've done is found all the different types of monsters that form an "archetype", then tried to build a deck for the archetype I like the most.  
DIRK: Although the spread of monsters really isn't making it easy for me to make a very consistent archetypical deck...so I've had to mix a couple together.  
JAKE: Archetype?  
JAKE: Isnt that a term more descriptive of literary motifs than it is of card game mechanics?  
DIRK: Well, yeah.  
DIRK: But basically, there are a bunch of monsters that "fit together".  
DIRK: Imagine a bunch of pieces of seventy different puzzles. You want to take those pieces and build out of those a single coherent puzzle.  
DIRK: That's essentially what I'm doing when I'm building my deck - I'm taking a "theme" to build my deck around, and then bolstering that theme with as many monsters, spells, and traps that fit with it.  
JAKE: And your theme is...?  
DIRK: It's a secret.  
JAKE: Oh you can tell me! I am very good at keeping secrets.  
JAKE: After all a gentleman never gets in a smooch and goes on to arouse the conversational pot with the lads.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: What?  
JAKE: A gentleman never gets in a-  
DIRK: No, no, I get it.  
DIRK: Why did you say it like that.  
JAKE: Like what?  
DIRK: Forget it.

There's something about this fucking guy that's about as alluring as it is mind-boggling. Seriously, I thought I was the ancient one here. What's the deal with this dude's ridiculous speech mannerisms? And yet...

Hey now, don't think I'm just gonna let you be privy to my innermost thoughts so easily. That kind of narration is for chump asses. Besides, it's already embarrassing that I have to experience this sort of mental shittery in my own brain when I could be thinking about how to optimize a deck of cards. I don't need shit from an audience who are all jumping at the chance to take the title of King of Armchair Therapists.

If I could paywall those thoughts from you, I would. Except I wouldn't, since I can only assume that I'm a demon or a disembodied soul, or in a worst case scenario, a set of completely unhinged and detached kin memories that just never got completed. And none of those really require money. Dave handles that shit.

Where the fuck was I? Oh right. I was drowning in English's mouth noises.

DIRK: Fuck it, I'll just give you a hint. It's based around a dragon that isn't a dragon.  
JAKE: Im a little confused. Are you meaning that these so called dragons are scaly and top of the line lizards in appearance while being less than challenging to slay?  
JAKE: Or is it metaphorical in the opposite direction meaning that they look less than threatening while being the peak condition monster for a rowdy rag tag bunch of adventurers such as ourselves to battle?  
DIRK: I'm speaking less in the literary sense and more in the literal sense.  
DIRK: Still a little confused on the fact that those words share the same latin base and yet have practically opposite meanings.  
DIRK: The English language is so fucking confusing sometimes, even though I seem to pretty much know it all.  
JAKE: Oh my well thats a comment i hear quite often about my specific implementation of vernacular!  
JAKE: Though to be quite honest i havent the slightest clue of what they speak.  
JAKE: But i do see it now.  
JAKE: So what youre saying is that you have a dragon that doesnt CLASSIFY as a haughty example of winged lizardfolk?  
DIRK: No, it has a different type.  
JAKE: Dirk im going to have to be real with you here i dont understand what brought you to that conclusion?  
JAKE: But i also dont really understand very much about this game in general so theres probably just something im missing.  
KARKAT: SAYS THE GUY WHO'S BEEN DUNKING ME AND JUNE WITH FUCKING OJAMAS.  
KARKAT: I LITERALLY COULD NOT UNDERSTAND LESS ABOUT HOW YOU'VE BEEN WINNING.  
JAKE: Oh shucks youre making me blush with your reluctant angered cheers and un-jeers.  
DIRK: To be blunt, each monster card has a lot of information that you're probably overlooking.

DIRK: Not only do monsters have attack points, defense points, and effects - they have attributes, types, and levels as well, which sometimes come up as important in the effects of spells, traps, or other monsters.  
DIRK: Each monster's level is equal to the number of stars they have.  
DIRK: Each monster's attribute is listed in the top right corner.  
DIRK: And each monster's type is listed as the first thing in the card text.  
DIRK: So for instance, Kuriboh here is a Dark attribute, level 1 Fiend type monster.  
JAKE: I think i get all of that, yes.  
DIRK: The focus of the deck I'm building is a dragon, but its type is something else. That's all I'll say.  
JAKE: Hmm...

I take this time to briefly survey what everyone else is doing. Karkat's completely tuned out everything besides the television, having decided to lay his entire body across the length of the couch. June has also completely stopped paying attention to everything I've been saying, and seems to be glancing at the television mostly to make sure that she can dunk Karkat for being a nerd as effectively as possible. Jake is still humming in contemplation, squinting his eyes as he either legitimately considers everything I just said, or pretends to do so because his ignorance is more feigned than it looks. 

On the television, Aranea finishes off Meenah's life points with a battle jamboree of horrifying insects, completely overtaking all of Meenah's dinosaurs with calculated uses of Spells and Traps. I'd go into greater depth about their duel, but it's really just not a big deal whatsoever. Frankly, it's concerning to me that Karkat is watching as intently as he is, since he really, truly will not learn a goddamn thing from that duel. The girls aren't anything special.

JAKE: Well i guess my next question after all this would be how do you test these sorts of decks?  
JAKE: I mean from what i can tell these things all boil down to having some amount of experience and you havent exactly dueled in the last three months yourself have you?  
DIRK: It's true that I haven't been dueling, but I can practice without a partner.  
DIRK: Have you ever heard of the concept of "hand testing"?  
JAKE: Well theres certainly an inkling of je ne sais quoi in the term.  
DIRK: ...I'm going to ignore whatever it was you just said.  
DIRK: Basically, I'll shuffle my deck and draw my first five cards, and see what I can do in that single first turn.  
DIRK: Then I'll end my turn, re-shuffle all the cards back, and do a new turn, and so on.  
DIRK: Doing this over and over again can help me really understand the combos that I'm capable of pulling off in the deck I've created, and it helps to test how consistent the deck is as well.  
JAKE: I see...  
JAKE: Well thats all chipper and dandy and all but if you wanted to test your mettle in a real match then maybe i could provide a little scrap!  
JAKE: I may not be quite as good as dave but i have given our mutual chum karkat a good thrashing with my ojamas!

There's no way in hell I'm dueling this guy. Just because Ojamas got some neat little bits of support in the way of spells and traps doesn't mean I'm going to indulge him with a peek at my deck. It'd be an insult to the deck I'm working with, if I'm being honest. Hell, I bet I could take him pretty easily just by using the Dark Magician deck.

But I guess in the current zeitgeist of the times, telling him that would be considered a little bit rude, wouldn't it? And I don't really feel like dealing with any of the fallout from causing mild offense today - that's the sort of thing you go all in on or not at all. So I'll just bring up the secondary reason that I hadn't been dueling up to this point.

DIRK: Sorry, no can do.  
DIRK: I promised myself that I wouldn't duel until Jane woke up.  
DIRK: It's the least I can do, I think.  
JAKE: Ah. Well okay then.  
JAKE: Maybe afterwards then?  
DIRK: Maybe.  
JAKE: Mmm.

It's quiet for a moment. Jake stands as awkwardly as I sit, as the only sounds in the air are the sounds of the tournament winner being interviewed by various commentators on her strategy and her deck. There's nothing more to say between us - not at the moment - so Jake shares a half-hearted "best of luck on the deck" before going back to his seat. Meanwhile, I go back to looking through cards, before reflecting on my own reasons for dueling abstinence. 

I'm gonna be real with you here - I miss Jane.

What, surprised that I have empathy for someone that I myself condemned to a magic coma? Well, that makes two of us, pal.

It feels like in the past three months, the only person who I could think to stand for very long was Jane. For all the friendship speechifying I was doing during that duel, she really did bring out something remarkable in me, moreso than any of the "friends" that Dave hangs out with. And certainly more than Dave himself.

Honestly, part of it is just that I'm fucking bored. Nobody here is really my intellectual equal when it comes to the game of Duel Monsters - and dare I say, anything of real importance. Karkat's spent three months on the game and hasn't learned a thing. June's largely tuned out of it. Hell, Jake plays fucking Ojamas unironically. Needless to say, a game against any of them would be about as mentally stimulating as eating a hamburger. 

Is the fact that she attempted to murder Grandpa bad? Yes, but honestly, I fucking get it. I deeply, deeply relate to being so entrenched in something that you'd do all sorts of fucked up shit for the sake of a truly pure challenge. And hell, I understand using all your resources at your disposal to take control of all possible options and force your opponents into a card game death trap of your own making. It's fun as shit, or so I've heard.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that Jane really fucking tested me, and I admire that. Even if she was doing some weird, heinous shit, it's so much better than the alternative. A stagnant self, withering away without conflict in the midst of all his boredom.

And now I sit here, waiting for her to put herself back together so we can duel again.

DAVE: (you think she can do that even)  
DIRK: (Do what?)  
DAVE: (put herself back together i mean)  
DIRK: (I have no reason to think that she can't do it.)  
DIRK: (She's way too stubborn to just drop dead from a Penalty Game like this.)  
DAVE: (sure but what if she just)  
DAVE: (doesnt ever wake up)  
DIRK: (That would be stupid. There's no way that would just happen like that.)  
DAVE: (stupider things have happened dude)  
DIRK: (That said, the Penalty Game is outside of my control at this point.)  
DIRK: (I don't really control when they end after I inflict them upon people. And because of that, this could definitely go on for a pretty long time.)  
DIRK: (Still, all Jane needs to do is put together the puzzle of her soul, piece by piece, until she's reformed, in both a metaphysical and a moral sense.)  
DAVE: (you say that like its easy)  
DIRK: (I have a pretty hefty amount of faith that she could do it.)  
DAVE: (i mean)  
DAVE: (i dunno dude)  
DAVE: (maybe its just because im new to the concept of malleable souls or whatever but like)  
DAVE: (i cant imagine that its very easy to build yourself up from nothing)  
DIRK: (Well-)  
DAVE: (i mean)  
DAVE: (could you do it)  
DIRK: (Rebuild myself from scratch? It'd probably take a while.)  
DAVE: (i guess but again)  
DAVE: (you had to have me build the puzzle)  
DAVE: (and on top of that you still dont remember all that much about who or what you are)  
DAVE: (so having to do that from inside your soul as a comatose nothing is like)  
DAVE: (i cant even imagine how much harder that must be)  
DIRK: (...)  
DIRK: (I still believe she can do it, you know.)  
DIRK: (Call me crazy, but I just have this feeling that she'll be back and better than ever. And not just because it'd be boring if she didn't wake up.)  
DAVE: (you really have a lot of respect for her huh)  
DIRK: (I'm kinda surprised myself.)  
DAVE: (not trying to judge)  
DAVE: (which is really kinda fucking tough given who were talking about but uh)  
DAVE: (you sure picked a hell of a person to be your friend huh)  
DIRK: (I suppose so.)  
DIRK: (I think I'm pretty much done building a new deck for myself. Dunno how much I'll use it.)  
DIRK: (You can go ahead and take over now.)  
DAVE: (sick)

Making sure nobody's looking, I take my shades off and quickly put on Dave's own pair. I slick our hair back a little bit after licking my finger in order to do so, and we're back to that good ol' fresh Dave Strider look again. Dave's back in control, leaving me to just sort of watch. 

Nothing of interest really happens for a little while until the television pipes in with news of the tournament's award ceremony. First place to Aranea, second place to Meenah...third place to some other fish lady in a scarf whose name I missed...just a whole cavalcade of thoughtless deck builds and strategies. 

The one thing that made me perk up was when a man in a red suit took the stage and started to speak.

PEGASUS: Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor to meet you all!  
PEGASUS: My name is Maximillion Pegasus. You may know me as the creator of Duel Monsters - the wonderful game that was played upon that field minutes ago!  
PEGASUS: I offer my congratulations to Miss Aranea Serket, as well as the runner up, and all else who competed here, today. Truly, I am humbled by your dedication to my game!

Aranea, standing in the background of the shot, seems to be quite stoked about her recent victory and the praise being heaped upon her. Her stoic, cunning demeanor of which I caught glimpses during her match is almost entirely gone - she seems to just be enjoying the moment.

PEGASUS: That being said...  
PEGASUS: This tournament, which marks the end of the circuit at Japan's national level, is only the prelude to something greater.  
PEGASUS: You heard me right, folks. I plan on holding a tournament of my very own - one that features the strongest duelists from all around the globe!  
PEGASUS: And that includes our lucky winner right here, and some of the other top threats in this competition!  
PEGASUS: Naturally, I have a few other people in mind for this. A certain heiress, for example...  
PEGASUS: ...and the man who took her down behind closed doors, for another.

Dave places down the card we were holding, and turns our head to pay more attention. Excuse me? How does this guy know about our duel?

Dave rolls his chair over towards the couch where everyone was watching, now somewhat more intently. Karkat was especially focused on the things being said.

PEGASUS: The date will be two weeks from now.  
PEGASUS: And the location will be my private island, a wonderful paradise of cards known as Duelist Kingdom!  
PEGASUS: Be sure to sign up soon - there's only a limited number of spots, after all!  
PEGASUS: More details about my tournament will come out very soon, but I'll have you know right now - the prize for this one is far, far more valuable than the paltry sum won in this tourney.  
PEGASUS: And with that, I bid you all adieu! Thank you all for your wonderful support!

The camera cuts to a wider shot of the top eight participants, as Pegasus tosses the microphone over to a flustered Aranea, who has no idea what to do with it before she unceremoniously passes it to Meenah. As Pegasus walks offscreen, Meenah makes her perspective known with what I can only assume is her usual level of tact.

MEENAH: yo wtf just happened

And with that, the broadcast cuts abruptly to a commercial.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.  
JUNE: did that guy just use a national tournament to advertise his weird ass private island or something???  
DAVE: i think thats exactly what happened  
DAVE: as a corporation industrial illusions has been going completely off the shits as far as their general marketing strategies go  
KARKAT: OKAY BUT  
KARKAT: HE KNEW ABOUT YOUR DUEL WITH JANE???  
KARKAT: THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING SUSPICIOUS, IF YOU ASK ME.  
JUNE: yeah, that was REALLY weird.  
JUNE: i hadn't heard anything about it being publicized.  
JUNE: hell, i think most people don't even know she's in a coma right now?  
DAVE: its unsettling for sure  
DAVE: but like  
DAVE: its not like were going to that tournament so  
DAVE: i dont think its something we have to worry about  
JUNE: you really think so?  
JAKE: Maybe he just found it out while asking about jane missing out on a wide spread of tournaments?  
JAKE: Im sure he has to have close contact with the company what with the machines and all.  
JUNE: that's true...  
DAVE: anyways can we talk about pegasuses suit  
DAVE: it whips ass  
KARKAT: I'M GONNA BE REAL WITH YOU, DAVE.  
KARKAT: THAT FLAMBOYANT, RIDICULOUS CRIMSON SUIT HE HAD ON WOULD LOOK FUCKING STUPID ON YOU.  
DAVE: i think itd be a fresh look  
JUNE: no, karkat's definitely right for once. it looks really, really tacky.  
JUNE: he looks almost like a cartoon character, frankly.

I feel like June's leaning on something vaguely meta with that statement, and I hate it. It's just a really tacky form of humor to point something like that out, when a more clever description could do the job just fine. I mean, cartoon character? Really? Just because the guy has silver-ish hair and a vibrant ensemble doesn't make him akin to anything in particular, much less a cartoon character. 

It's just lazy dialogue, in my opinion. Come on. Do better.

Suddenly, as if to interrupt my train of thought, Grandpa arrives from downstairs with a conspicuous set of boxes, as well as a couple of drinks for us.

GRANDPA: hey dave it looks like you got a package from industrial illusions!  
GRANDPA: it seems like it has a blu-ray inside of it  
GRANDPA: and a dvd  
GRANDPA: and a vhs tape for some reason  
GRANDPA: i didnt even know people still used vhs tapes

Whichever intern sent this package to us was really, really trying to make sure that all the bases were covered, weren't they? I mean, damn. Talk about dedication. 

It seems everyone's just as quick to want to forget the suspiciousness of the situation as I am, since Karkat figures it best to start talking shit about VHS tapes too.

KARKAT: TALK ABOUT IDIOTIC! THEY'RE REALLY CLINGING ONTO OUTDATED FORMATS, AREN'T THEY?  
JUNE: i mean the president of the company showed up on tv just now, right? maximillion pegasus?  
JUNE: he seemed pretty...eccentric, to say the least.  
DAVE: june youre not being homophobic to duel monsters biggest gay icon are you  
JUNE: dave, go to hell!  
DAVE: alright  
DAVE: hey everyone im going to hell anyone want me to pick up anything  
KARKAT: WE'RE GONNA NEED TO RESTOCK UP ON DORITOS.  
DAVE: pretty sure hell only has cool ranch  
KARKAT: IS THAT A FUCKING PROBLEM???  
JAKE: Cool ranch doritos are the only ones i can really stand to have actually.  
DAVE: damn yall have no taste buds do you  
JUNE: it's okay, dave.  
JUNE: we all love and support you, even in spite of your endless quest for nasty chemical-laden cheese triangles masquerading as chips.  
DAVE: june you eat hot cheetos  
JUNE: and you should all love and support me, in spite of my recent cravings for complete fucking garbage.  
DAVE: oh trust me we were already way past that with all the crappy movies you made us watch  
JUNE: i can't believe i'm being betrayed in my own house!  
DAVE: THIS IS LITERALLY MY HOUSE  
JUNE: listen, dave.  
JUNE: the super mario brothers movie is a great movie and it is largely because it spits ALL OVER the source material.  
DAVE: i refuse to listen to this shit  
JUNE: dave if you ever tried to actually WATCH the movie, i guarantee you would never shut up about capitalist scumbag bowser.  
DAVE: im going to play the fucking bluray just to stop this conversation

Dave puts the disk into the Blu-Ray player connected to the TV. It takes a little while to start loading.

JAKE: June is absolutely right you know.  
JAKE: If you watch that movie then i can only imagine that you would immediately take the opportunity to start creating a bowser alignment chart.  
JAKE: Presumably with bowsette on one end and movie koopa on the other?  
JUNE: holy shit, we have to watch it now.  
JUNE: also i'm sorry but what's a bowsette?  
KARKAT: JUNE, YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU COMPLETELY MISSED THE INTERNET'S MASSIVE, COLLECTIVE FORCED FEMINIZATION OF THIS WACK ASS DRAGON TURTLE DAD?  
JUNE: holy fuck, did i???  
KARKAT: UGHHHHHH  
KARKAT: I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO SHOW YOU THIS SHIT.  
DAVE: guys at this rate were going to start talking about the bowser vore spinoff game and i know for a fact that none of us actually give a shit about mario or bowser to tolerate that conversation  
DAVE: so please just drop the-  
PEGASUS: Congratulations!  
DAVE: FUCK

Dave and Karkat practically jumped at the sudden voice of Pegasus coming from the television. There was practically no transition from the black screen of a few seconds ago to him talking directly to the viewer, all taking place as he sits in a chair in front of a table. A very strange directorial choice for an invitation video, honestly.

PEGASUS: If you've received this video, then congratulations! You've just been invited to participate in my upcoming tournament!  
PEGASUS: If I'm correct - and I always am - I should have just announced it on live television a few minutes ago.  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: what the fuck  
PEGASUS: My, my. Wasn't I just captivating out there?  
PEGASUS: But I digress. What matters is what *your* plan is, Mister Dave Strider.

This is getting really unsettling, really fast. Usually, people don't deliver mail with the intent of it being shown directly after a fucking broadcast. Even if he got one of his employees to deliver it, how would he have known that Dave was going to put the tape in immediately? It wasn't like there was a note of urgency on there or anything. 

Everyone in the room must've had the same line of thought, because they're all sweating. Pegasus has made all of them anxious.

PEGASUS: Alongside the various types of media given to you were some things that you'll need in order to compete in the tournament that I'm holding in Duelist Kingdom.  
PEGASUS: A duelist's glove with ten slots, two star chips that fit into the gauntlet...  
PEGASUS: ...and two cards - The Glory of the King's Right Hand, with artwork adorned with gold and jewels, and The Glory of the King's Left Hand, with a conspicuously blank white square for its art.  
PEGASUS: In brief, the star chips represent your life on the island. Acquire ten and you gain access to the finals. Lose them all and you're out.  
PEGASUS: The cards, meanwhile, determine the prize you win at the very end. Make it to first or second place and you can trade them in for either a vast sum of money or a battle for a single wish.  
PEGASUS: You might be thinking that this may be a little bit extravagant and needlessly symbolic for a Duel Monsters tournament, but there's no reason we can't have a little bit of fun, right?  
PEGASUS: ...But I suppose you want me to get straight to the point.  
PEGASUS: Put simply, I am well aware of your duel with Miss Crocker, and her current state of being.  
PEGASUS: And I wanted to test out your skills!  
PEGASUS: Waiting for the tournament to happen to see you in action would be oh so long of a wait, and frankly, I'm not entirely sure your heart is into it, as you are now.  
PEGASUS: And I realized that the answer to both of our problems would be a little duel!  
GRANDPA: okay i was pretty well aware that the creator of duel monsters was an eccentric man but  
GRANDPA: are we sure this guy isn't just crazy  
PEGASUS: Oh, I'm not crazy.  
KARKAT: UHHHHHHHHH

Okay, that's a pretty fucking hefty red flag. 

PEGASUS: And yes, I know exactly what's happening on the other side of this tape.  
PEGASUS: But in the interest of getting what I want out of you before your friends spiral into another tangent, as they've doubtlessly been doing all day...  
PEGASUS: Let's make this conversation a little bit more private, shall we?  
KARKAT: FUCKING  
KARKAT: EXCUSE ME?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ABOUT TO PULL YOU NO GOOD, TACKY CRIMSON SUIT WEARING SON OF A

On the television, Pegasus had moved his hand to brush his bangs out of the way of his face, uncovering a golden left eye made of gold. The eye looked just like the eye on the Millenium Puzzle, and as soon as it made its appearance, Karkat's sudden rant stopped dead in its tracks.

Dave and I looked around. Karkat's mouth wasn't the only thing that stopped - every one of his friends were completely frozen, as if time itself was what had stopped. The room was bathed in a dark, purple hue all of a sudden, as the walls and shelves and specificities of the place became hazier and hazier over time. 

It was almost as if...

PEGASUS: What's the matter, Dave? Never been on the other side of a Shadow Game before?  
PEGASUS: Or was it just Dirk pulling people into this sort of stuff for your sake, every single time?  
DAVE: what in the fresh hell did you just do to all my friends  
DAVE: why do you know about dirk  
DAVE: and for the love of god what do you want with me of all people  
PEGASUS: I told you earlier, didn't I?  
PEGASUS: I wanted to test your skills!  
PEGASUS: And the only thing I could do, time permitting, was challenge you to a game in this manner.  
PEGASUS: I doubt you would've wanted to meet with me like this in private, after all.  
PEGASUS: Thanks to the power of my Millenium Eye, now you get to do it from the comfort of your own home!  
PEGASUS: Or your grandfather's home and shop hybrid, I suppose.  
DAVE: bro people dont usually fucking freeze time to play card games with college students  
PEGASUS: Technically, I haven't stopped time, so much as dragged us into a pocket dimension that exists in a fold between spacetime that holders of the Millenium items can access and bring others into.  
PEGASUS: At least, I'm pretty sure that's what this is. I'm still getting used to this eye, to be quite honest.  
DAVE: oh my god what the fuck ever  
DAVE: come on i made a fun joke about you earlier cant we be chill about this sort of shit  
DAVE: i wouldve been WAY more open to this if you just came over and brought a bit of weed so my friends and i could enjoy ourselves  
DAVE: as opposed to being basically statues  
PEGASUS: If you're worried about your friends, don't be. They'll be back to normal at the end of our duel.  
PEGASUS: But I am rather intrigued! Someone took out the queen bee of Duel Monsters, and he has a Millenium item of his own!  
PEGASUS: I couldn't let the opportunity to bring such a man to my tournament pass me by so easily.  
DAVE: we get it dude you want me at the tournament or whatever  
PEGASUS: Do you, really?  
DAVE: no i fucking dont  
DAVE: again  
DAVE: i really really do not want to go to your tournament bro  
DAVE: like i was already not wanting to do that but this whole dark magic fuckery shit youre pulling REALLY makes me not want to accept  
PEGASUS: Well, well, well.  
PEGASUS: It looks like we have a real spoilsport on our hands, don't we?  
PEGASUS: That's okay, Strider boy.  
PEGASUS: All the more reason for me to duel you right now, if you wouldn't give me the chance to otherwise.

Dave's a nervous wreck out there, so I go ahead and take over, with the obligatory minor shift in stature, shades, and hairstyle.

DIRK: Sorry about that.  
PEGASUS: Oh? Is that the man from the puzzle, coming out of his hiding place?  
DIRK: Dave doesn't really understand everything about Shadow Games at the moment. He probably thought there was a way to get out of this, when there really isn't.  
DIRK: Shadow games like this usually have a price paid by the loser, too.  
DIRK: But considering that you want us at your tournament, I doubt it's something as drastic as our mortal soul.  
DIRK: So what exactly do you want?  
PEGASUS: Oh, nothing much.  
PEGASUS: I just want you to play this duel with me. Whoever has more life points at the end of 15 minutes wins.  
PEGASUS: And I'm so sorry that I'm placing such a restrictive time limit on you, but you understand. I'm quite the busy man!  
PEGASUS: As for our wagers...  
PEGASUS: If I win, I'll take something of yours as collateral that you'll have to participate in my tournament to win back.  
PEGASUS: And if you win, I'll be sure to never bother you or your friends again.  
PEGASUS: Does that sound good?  
DIRK: Surprisingly sporting. What's the catch?  
PEGASUS: Catch?  
DIRK: You honestly think that I would believe you'd bet on something so meaningless as collateral? You're hiding something.  
PEGASUS: Well, Strider boy, I'm glad you respect my cunning enough to know that there are some reasonable stakes here.  
PEGASUS: But wouldn't it be more fun for you to figure out when you get there?  
DIRK: I like to know what I'm getting into beforehand, so no.  
PEGASUS: Come now, Strider boy. You know that you've been itching for a duel ever since your last duel with Miss Crocker.  
PEGASUS: Are you really so interested in our circuitous banter that you're looking for reasons to keep from dueling?  
DIRK: ...

Well, shit. He got me there.

Honestly, as fucked up as it sounds, this is definitely the most exciting thing that's happened to me in a long time. When it really comes down to it, even with vague threats towards me and Dave's friends, all I really want to do is take my deck out and get ready for the match of my life. I've been waiting for this moment for an agonizingly long time, after all - why shouldn't I enjoy myself?

I grab my deck from the table and shuffle it, and put it directly on the floor right in front of me. My eyes meet Pegasus', and we find ourselves on the same wavelength - we are, absolutely and unequivocally, ready to duel.

DIRK: You're fucking toast, you know.  
PEGASUS: Confident, I see! I like that!  
PEGASUS: Very well, then. Let the Shadow Game begin!!!

What's the worst that could come of this, anyways?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some minor mysteries abound in this chapter. Who are those two shadowy figures? What's Dirk's deck going to be based around? Share your thoughts in the comments below, if you want!


	3. Pegasus Gets Necroface for This Duel Because I Felt Like It

KARKAT: DO YOU REMEMBER THE DAY WE FIRST MET?

The sunset view from the top of the roof of the campus' main hall was breathtaking as usual. Hues of orange and purple blended together from the horizon to the vastness of the sky. The sunset today, though very provocative for a moment of reminiscence, was marked by an air of melancholy. Perhaps it was the humidity or the dark clouds passing by in the distance, but there was something about the sky that felt a little sadder than usual. Defeated, even.

It had been one week since Dave received the tape from Pegasus.

DAVE: how could i forget  
DAVE: it was a little over a year ago just after the philosophy requirement we had to take  
DAVE: teacher was boring us out of our mind so i just got to work trying to solve the puzzle like i had been for years  
KARKAT: AND I HAD THE AUDACITY TO WALK UP TO YOU AND CALL YOU THE FUCK OUT AFTER CLASS ON YOUR LITTLE ANCIENT ARTIFACT.  
DAVE: hell yes you certainly did  
DAVE: you just fucking lost your shit dude  
DAVE: if karkat tantrum bingo was a thing back then i wouldve won it right fuckin there  
KARKAT: FIRST OF ALL, NOT TRUE.  
KARKAT: SECOND OF ALL, YOUR BINGO BOARDS STINK.  
KARKAT: THIRD OF ALL - AND I'VE SAID THIS MANY FUCKING TIMES -  
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T HOLD A BINGO ON MY LITTLE HISSY FITS IF YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! IT INFLUENCES THE FUCKING RESULT!!!  
DAVE: well given that free space is "complaining about the bingo board format" i dont think you have to worry about that  
KARKAT: AND DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL ME THAT WAS A TANTRUM RIGHT THERE, THAT DIDN'T EVEN RISE TO THE LEVEL OF A RANT.  
DAVE: point is you had a huge fucking thing  
DAVE: against my having the puzzle  
DAVE: since i guess you did some research and figured out that it is indeed an ancient egyptian artifact and that it probably doesnt belong to me as some individual in the middle of bumfuck nowhere japan  
DAVE: something about "cultural appropriation but for fucking real this time"  
KARKAT: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HALF EGYPTIAN AT THE TIME!!!  
DAVE: honestly you were probably right though  
DAVE: insofar as the puzzle not "belonging" to me  
DAVE: i mean besides the obvious fact that it literally houses another guy in it like so it technically belongs to HIM  
DAVE: my grandpa who is notably like  
DAVE: not egyptian in the slightest by the way  
DAVE: did basically go tomb raiding over there for this shit  
DAVE: i suppose the big question is whether or not it shouldve been unearthed in the first place  
DAVE: and if so by whom  
DAVE: and should they keep it for themselves  
DAVE: i mean i guess this couldve easily been put up in a museum in eastern europe stolen like basically everything else in those places  
DAVE: but does that mean that i deserve it more than them etc etc  
KARKAT: HONESTLY?  
KARKAT: I DON'T REALLY AGREE.  
KARKAT: LIKE, WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK WHO GETS THIS GAUDY PIECE OF SHIT, ANYWAYS?  
KARKAT: I DON'T, OBVIOUSLY.  
DAVE: but you sure fuckin did then  
DAVE: took that shit from me, gave it to june to see if she could find some egyptologist from an elective class to see where it should go  
DAVE: even threw in one piece into the campus pond just to make absolutely sure i dont recover the whole thing  
DAVE: just an absolute hit and run  
DAVE: weeoo weeoo sir we have a situation  
DAVE: what is it officer  
DAVE: well theres a troll with nubby ass horns runnin around being gay and doing crimes  
DAVE: hold on sir did you say being gay AND doing crimes  
DAVE: yes i certainly did  
DAVE: dear god...were in for a code rainbow  
DAVE: the most dangerous code  
KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING.  
DAVE: recounting ushios thought process  
KARKAT: OH THANK GOD, I THOUGHT YOU JUST SUDDENLY HAD COP BRAIN FOR YOUR AWFUL JOKES ALL OF A SUDDEN.  
DAVE: like i always say cops dont have brains or principles  
DAVE: anyways ushio was  
DAVE: not a very cool guy to say the least  
KARKAT: HE BEAT THE ABSOLUTE SHIT OUT OF ME AND JUNE.  
KARKAT: AND SAID WE WERE THE BULLIES?  
DAVE: dare i say not very woke  
KARKAT: AND HE DEMANDED PROTECTION MONEY FROM YOU.  
DAVE: yeah fuck that guy honestly  
DAVE: what gets me is that he was like maybe a year older than us but he was going full cop wannabe  
DAVE: protecting the civilians by just sort of brutalizing guys his age in the part of campus nobody goes to  
DAVE: including me  
KARKAT: ESPECIALLY YOU.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT GUY ANYWAYS???  
DAVE: oh apparently dirk played a game with him  
DAVE: some straight up saw shit took place  
DAVE: and basically his penalty for cheating was to briefly lose his fucking mind  
DAVE: but in like, a way that made him just mess around in a pile of leaves thinking it was money  
KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS ALMOST TAME FOR DIRK.  
DAVE: its definitely not like that time he set that serial killer on fire yeah  
KARKAT: FUCKED UP THAT WE AREN'T TRAUMATIZED FROM THAT, HONESTLY.  
DAVE: well i was pretty much completely dissociating so i didnt see a thing  
KARKAT: RIGHT, RIGHT.  
KARKAT: OKAY, SO BEFORE WE GET ANY FURTHER OFF THE RAILS THAN WE ALREADY HAVE, IT'S PRETTY CLEAR TO ME THAT, YES, YOU REMEMBER HOW WE FIRST MET.  
KARKAT: DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT, THAT NIGHT, I WENT SWIMMING IN THE LAKE TRYING TO FIND THAT PIECE OF THE PUZZLE I THREW?  
DAVE: karkat you literally handed me the piece yourself before i put that last piece in  
KARKAT: O-OH. RIGHT.  
DAVE: i didnt really know what to make of it since like  
DAVE: ive never had a guy go to lengths like that to do anything meaningful for me  
DAVE: and certainly never a dude that like  
DAVE: tried to throw away a piece of my prized possession  
KARKAT: WELL, I WAS DEFINITELY IN A...  
KARKAT: A STRANGE MOOD THAT DAY.  
KARKAT: MAYBE EVEN APOLOGETIC.  
DAVE: sidenote i'm starting to wonder if there was any homoeroticism inherent in having you hold the puzzle while i inserted the centerpiece to it  
KARKAT: GOD, MAYBE???  
KARKAT: I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW, DUDE.  
KARKAT: IT ENDED UP BEING SO ANTICLIMACTIC I BASICALLY FORGOT.  
DAVE: yeah dirk took like 20 minutes to jump in and do some wack shit so you didnt get to see a god damn thing  
KARKAT: YEAH...  
DAVE: the next day you basically told me that you wanted to start over  
DAVE: and i was like fuck it sure  
DAVE: i hadnt had a lot of consistent friends beforehand so yknow  
DAVE: it was kinda nice to have someone who came up to me and wanted to be MY friend  
KARKAT: I THINK I TOLD YOU THAT DAY THAT YOU HAD SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOWED ME THAT I COULDN'T SEE.  
DAVE: compassion right  
KARKAT: PROBABLY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? OR MAYBE FRIENDSHIP OR SOME SHIT.  
KARKAT: FRANKLY THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS THAT COULD DESCRIBE.  
DAVE: haha yeah  
KARKAT: BUT IT REALLY WAS NICE, YOU KNOW. MEETING YOU AND DOING SOMETHING COOL FOR A CHANGE.

Karkat turned his gaze from Dave towards the setting sun.

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOST FUCKED UP THING ABOUT ALL THAT WAS?  
KARKAT: IT FELT LIKE SOMETHING LEGITIMATELY CLICKED INTO PLACE WITH ME THAT NIGHT, WHEN I FISHED OUT YOUR PUZZLE PIECE.  
KARKAT: UP UNTIL THEN IT WAS LIKE I WAS...  
KARKAT: I DUNNO. I GUESS I WAS  
KARKAT: I WALLED MYSELF OFF FROM OTHER PEOPLE FOR A LONG TIME.  
KARKAT: EVEN WITH JUNE, I NEVER REALLY...  
KARKAT: I NEVER REALLY "TURNED OFF", IN A SENSE?  
DAVE: so you were always 100% turned on  
KARKAT: DAVE, I'LL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I ABSOLUTELY LEFT MYSELF OPEN WITH THAT ONE, BUT I'M GOING TO GRAB YOUR TONGUE AND RIP IT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU DON'T LET ME HAVE MY TINY, TINY MOMENT OF LEGITIMATE EMOTIONAL INTROSPECTION.  
KARKAT: THE POINT IS THAT I NEVER REALLY "STOPPED" MY WHOLE DEAL, EVER.  
KARKAT: THAT BEING THE THING WHERE I HIDE AWAY BEHIND A THOUSAND LAYERS OF INTENSE SELF-HATRED, BELITTLING PEOPLE ABOUT THE THINGS AND PEOPLE THEY LOVE IN ORDER TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BIGGER, AND OTHER GENERAL ACTS OF MEGA DOUCHEBAGGERY.  
KARKAT: AND LIKE, OBVIOUSLY I STILL DO THAT! TO AN ANNOYINGLY LARGE EXTENT, EVEN!  
KARKAT: BUT THAT SINGLE DAY, WHEN I DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING OUTSIDE MY USUAL LOOP OF LEAVING ANGRY MESSAGES FOR MYSELF, OR GIVING JUNE SHIT FOR HER TASTE IN MOVIES, OR EVEN CHUCKING YOUR STUPID GOLDEN CHILDREN'S TOY INTO A GROSS LITTLE COLLEGE POND  
KARKAT: WHEN I WENT BACK IN AND FISHED THAT OUT OF THERE, COMPLETELY UNSURE OF WHY I FELT COMPELLED TO DO THAT  
KARKAT: AND WHEN I DELIVERED IT TO YOUR GRANDPA ONLY TO FIND YOU WAITING FOR ME INSTEAD  
KARKAT: IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE MAYBE I WASN'T A TOTAL WASTE OF SPACE  
KARKAT: FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME, I ACTUALLY LIKED SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF, IF EVEN FOR A MOMENT  
DAVE: .........  
KARKAT: I KNOW HOW FUCKING SAPPY THAT ALL SOUNDS.  
KARKAT: DEAR GOD, DO I KNOW.  
KARKAT: AND FRANKLY THIS ISN'T EXACTLY EVEN ABOUT YOU, REALLY. IT'S ULTIMATELY KIND OF SELFISH OF ME TO BE LIKE  
KARKAT: GRASPING FOR THIS SENSE OF SELF-IMPORTANCE BY PRACTICALLY HANDCUFFING MYSELF TO YOU IN ALL THESE FUCKED UP THINGS YOU HAVE TO SURVIVE THROUGH  
KARKAT: BUT THAT'S WHY I'M FUCKING RIDE OR DIE HERE. I'M NOT GOING TO BE LETTING YOU GO TO PEGASUS' TOURNAMENT ALONE, EVEN IF I HAVE TO DO SOME REALLY WILD AND ILLEGAL SHIT TO GET INVOLVED IN THERE.  
KARKAT: AND I DON'T THINK I'D BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT IF I WILLINGLY LET YOU FIGHT FOR YOUR GRANDPA'S SOUL BY YOURSELF, SO I'M NOT TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER!  
DAVE:  
DAVE: i dont think thats selfish at all dude  
DAVE: even if it is like  
DAVE: i certainly dont care  
DAVE: frankly i think youre the best dude a guy could ever have as his friend  
DAVE: not every day a guy promises to commit crimes for me  
KARKAT: WELL, IF WE'RE LUCKY, IT WON'T BE THE FUCKING LAST.  
KARKAT: BESIDES, I KNOW YOU'D DO THE SAME SHIT FOR ME.  
DAVE: i mean i guess but you KNOW that i would like  
DAVE: couch all this shit in rants about bullshit and completely lost metaphors or whatever  
KARKAT: YEAH, YEAH. I KNOW.  
DAVE: i uh  
DAVE: thank you karkat  
DAVE: for all of this i mean  
DAVE: honestly whenever i think about the tournament it kinda freaks me the hell out  
DAVE: especially since pegasus seems so  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: god i wish you were there to see the duel so i could explain how it felt to just get fuckin  
DAVE: decimated in every sense of the word  
KARKAT: YOU STILL HAVEN'T REALLY GONE INTO ANY DETAIL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED THEN, ANYWAYS.  
KARKAT: ALL WE KNOW IS THAT GRANDPA'S SOUL WAS IN HIS BODY BEFORE THE VIDEO ENDED, AND THEN A SECOND LATER, IT CUT TO BLACK AND GRANDPA PRACTICALLY BECAME A CORPSE  
KARKAT: SO WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SEE THAT WE DIDN'T?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THAT DUEL???

\----------------------------------------------------------------

PEGASUS: Have you ever made a game of your own, Strider-boy?

Pegasus had just finished shuffling his deck, and had already set it on the table in front of him. I was still in the middle of shuffling my own deck. I'm forced to kneel somewhat awkwardly on the floor, since there's not exactly a good table right in front of the television set.

DIRK: Got any reason for asking, or is this just another pompous flex?  
PEGASUS: You haven't, then.

Setting down my newly minted deck on the floor, I drew my first five cards, as Pegasus did the same on the other side of the screen. As much as I'm willing to engage with someone in strange questions for the purpose of potentially philosophical diatribes, I really don't know what he's after here. Once the duel starts, we're on a pretty strict timetable - we've only really got 15 minutes to work with.

In this case, the best strategy is probably to distract the opponent for as long as possible during the first two turns while causing as much damage as possible on the first turn one can attack. Is he already trying to stall for time, setting up a dialogue between us? Or is he just trying to psyche me out with strange questions before the duel?

PEGASUS: Oh, come now. No need to be so standoffish, Strider-boy!  
PEGASUS: I simply ask because you seem like a man who immerses himself in the wonders of creation, whether it be as simple as building your first deck, or as complex as conjuring up the finer details of an entire world.  
PEGASUS: It's not all that often that I find myself speaking to someone with such potential!  
DIRK: Cut the crap, dude.  
DIRK: I know that you're not here to recruit me to the ancient artifact-holding narcissists club or anything, so why don't you lay off the psychoanalysis?  
DIRK: I don't come to your tournaments and grill you on your game design philosophy, much less your horrible, horrible card selling tactics.  
PEGASUS: Such a shrewd little man, aren't you, Strider-boy?  
DIRK: If you don't stop calling me Strider-boy, I'm going to ram a knife into your throat.  
PEGASUS: Hahahahahahah! Threats like these are truly worth appreciating, Strider-boy! You're FAR more entertaining than that board of directors!

God damn, is this guy insufferable.

PEGASUS: Oh, don't look at me like that. I'm not THAT bad.  
PEGASUS: Honestly, though. Have you ever made a game of your own?  
DIRK: I've had a few ideas. Never anything that I'd have spent a massive amount of time drawing up, though.  
DIRK: I wouldn't exactly have any players with my current batch of acquaintances.  
PEGASUS: What were your games based off of?  
DIRK: What do you mean?  
PEGASUS: Whether it be a story or a game, all that we enjoy does not sprout from nothing.  
PEGASUS: Every game in the world has at least one thing it can trace its inspiration back to, if not much, much more.  
PEGASUS: Ultimately, any slice of entertainment is spurred on by its surroundings - the experience of the maker, the creator's understanding of the world, and the struggles of the time period in which it's made.  
PEGASUS: An endless fusion and combination of factors and inspirations that culminates in a new, refreshing experience!

Okay, I'm starting to think this guy might just like games way too much for his own good. That being said, I can't help but be fascinated by his little speech.

PEGASUS: I'm sure you can see how, with this all in one's mind, it's easy to merge together ideas for games, and create for purposes besides pure entertainment.  
PEGASUS: And I'm certain that you can imagine how a game's purpose can be shifted - molded into something else entirely.  
DIRK: Of course.  
DIRK: The first thing that comes to mind is probably Monopoly.  
DIRK: Originally created as "The Landlord's Game", it was designed to bring people up to speed on the ultimate end-state and unfairness of land-grabbing and unchecked markets.  
DIRK: But it eventually morphed into Monopoly, which almost normalizes the idea of taking everything for oneself as a goal.  
DIRK: Suddenly, the unfairness is no longer commentary, and it ceases to be anything but a piece of the game - and of life - that should simply be accepted.  
PEGASUS: Bravo! Bravo, Strider-boy!  
PEGASUS: I couldn't have said it better myself!  
PEGASUS: The greatest games are always made and played with *purpose* - even if that purpose strays away from that of its original inspiration.  
PEGASUS: So for what purpose do you play?  
DIRK: To succeed at whatever I'm needed for, obviously.  
PEGASUS: Oh come now, Dirk. You wouldn't be so into the game if that was your only goal!  
PEGASUS: But perhaps I've been delaying our duel for a little too long. We're on a strict time limit, after all.  
PEGASUS: Why don't I go ahead and start?  
DIRK: Fine with me.

Pegasus lifts his free hand up to brush his hair out of his face, briefly uncovering his Millenium Eye. The light glints off of it, making it shine a bright gold for a second. Gotta say, that thing is damn creepy. Couldn't imagine wanting to shove one of those into your eye socket. Maybe it's like contacts - something you wear OVER your eye. But I can't imagine wearing something like that willingly.

PEGASUS: I hope my eye isn't too distracting, by the way. It needs to air out a little every so often.  
PEGASUS: So be a good boy and don't judge me too harshly, Strider-boy.

That's strange. Did he catch me staring at him? I'm wearing sunglasses...

DIRK: I'm just surprised you didn't come out swinging with your move already. You are the creator of this game, after all, so you should know at least the cards you're using.  
PEGASUS: A good turn takes time, you know.  
PEGASUS: But if you're so anxious about my first move...  
PEGASUS: I'll go ahead and play my Pot of Desires spell card!

The aforementioned pot makes an almost cartoonish "poof" and drops to the table in front of him. It's clearly taken corporeal form on the other side of the screen, much like the monsters in my first game against Jane before she came up with Solid Vision.

PEGASUS: This card lets me banish 10 cards from the top of my deck face-down in order to draw 2 cards.  
DIRK: Banished...?  
PEGASUS: Oh come on, Dirk. Banishing a card is simply one step past being sent to the graveyard.  
PEGASUS: A banished card is just removed from the game entirely, usually never to be seen again.  
DIRK: I know what banishing cards means, dude.  
DIRK: I just don't understand why you'd go to such lengths to draw cards.

Twelve of Pegasus' cards go flying like crazy into the mouth of the purple half of the Pot, as it gobbles up the cards voraciously. It's a little intense to watch a feeding frenzy like this take place in front of me, especially with the perpetrator being a gaudy, animate piece of fucking ceramic. Not too long after, though, the green half cleanly spits out the bottom two cards of the twelve, which get promptly picked up by Pegasus before the pot disappears entirely.

DIRK: Are the cards in your deck just that worthless to you?  
PEGASUS: To be blunt, yes.  
PEGASUS: Anything to achieve my victory, Dirk. You should know this already!  
PEGASUS: That being said, they won't be gone for long.  
PEGASUS: The keyword of what I said about banishing before was "usually", Strider-boy. Banished cards "usually" never return.  
PEGASUS: But I am no ordinary duelist, and the limits of this game mean very little to me.  
PEGASUS: If there's anyone who could bring one back from beyond, it'd be me!  
PEGASUS: And I'll show you my adorable little friend who will be helping me do it!  
PEGASUS: I summon Necroface!

I'm sort of at a loss for words as to how to describe this monster. In the literal sense, it's a disgusting baby doll head with some sort of fleshy tentacle monstrosity growing out of it. In the design sense, it looks like a surprisingly well made horror movie monster with a sense of unnaturality to it that makes it pop pretty intensely against the shadows of the dimmed, time-stopped recreational room that we're in (since it seems to have plopped into my room instead of Pegasus' own little space).

Existentially? There's something terrifying about knowing that this little guy has a soul.

I'm not sure why I know that.

What?

...

I'm just going to hold that thought for later. Dwelling on the metaphysical nature of Duel Monsters is not something I want to do in a high stakes situation like this.

PEGASUS: As you might've surmised, Strider-boy, when Necroface gets summoned, it shuffles all banished cards back into the Deck.  
PEGASUS: And it gains 100 attack points for each one!  
PEGASUS: Since that's 10 cards being returned...that gives Necroface a grand total of 2200 attack.  
PEGASUS: Now recover those cards, why don't you?

Necroface's tentacles suddenly all shoot out in different directions, extended to the walls like taut ropes. They retract just as rapidly, with ten separate tendrils holding a card each. They move down into the television, where its appendages reappear from above, still holding the cards, which Pegasus gingerly adds to his free hand in order to shuffle back into the deck himself. 

PEGASUS: Mmmhmmhmmhmm...  
PEGASUS: Don't you just love a subservient monster like this one?  
PEGASUS: Now that that's over with, I'll go ahead and play my spell card, Tremendous Fire!!!  
PEGASUS: Brace yourself for this one, Strider-boy, unless you like it hot!  
DIRK: Wha-

The room gets set on fire for a moment. The heat rushes through the room incredibly quickly, to the extent that it begins to hurt a little just to stand here like this. The fire is only spectral, so it doesn't actually go about burning anything, but it was still a fair shock to the system. Guess the body wasn't quite as prepared for that as my mind was.

PEGASUS: You take 1000 damage, Strider-boy.  
PEGASUS: Of course, I take 500 myself.  
DIRK: You're really trying to take me down with gimmicky shit like banishment plays and mediocre burn cards?  
DIRK: I figured you'd be at least a little bit more of a challenge.  
PEGASUS: Well, it's only our first duel together!  
PEGASUS: It wouldn't be very fun to crush you without mercy, you know.  
PEGASUS: So I'm giving you a bit of a chance here.  
PEGASUS: I'll set my remaining four cards face down and leave my turn at that.  
PEGASUS: Your move!

Four facedown cards? Shit. 

With Tremendous Fire, that puts me at 3000 compared to Pegasus' 3500. Even though he's taken damage, he's still ahead in the life point count. But all I really have to do to get past him is beat over his Necroface and take care of whatever facedown cards he has. And I think I have the cards to do that.

I draw a card. My newly added monster, for good measure. Looks like things really are going pretty well for me with this hand. If I can just stall out the clock with some invasive questioning and some thought-provoking bullshit, then I've basically got this in the bag, in case one of his traps stops an attack or two of mine.

DIRK: Pegasus.  
PEGASUS: Mmm?  
DIRK: You said earlier that games and stories were all created with an origin and purpose in mind.  
DIRK: So how does that factor into your own game?  
PEGASUS: Oh, Strider-boy, I am so glad you asked.  
PEGASUS: As far as my reason to create the game of Duel Monsters...well, that's a secret.  
DIRK: You really went through the effort of talking up a storm about all these pretentious game developer platitudes just to stop before the juicy stuff? I don't buy it.  
DIRK: I bet you're chomping at the bit to tell someone.  
PEGASUS: Even if that were true, why tell *you* anymore than what I have?  
PEGASUS: Ah, but alas, you DO have me pegged. This isn't the totality of information that I wanted to share with you.  
PEGASUS: So allow me to inform you of the true origins of Duel Monsters.  
DIRK: Magic the Gathering, I presume?  
PEGASUS: Mechanically, I took some cues, perhaps.  
DIRK: Of course you did.  
PEGASUS: But that was far from what drove me to slave over the creation of this game.  
PEGASUS: Tell me - when you play a game of Duel Monsters, do you feel magic within the cards?  
DIRK: I know this is a rhetorical statement, but why not just come out with it? You're the one who invented the game, after all.  
PEGASUS: True, true. I suppose that, under our purview of invention via inspiration, it's not wrong to say that I did indeed "invent" this game.  
PEGASUS: I suppose I'll get right to the point with you.  
PEGASUS: The origins of Duel Monsters are the origins of the Shadow Games themselves, dating back 3000 years ago.  
PEGASUS: The duelists of ancient times were sorcerers, magicians, wizards, priests - people who could harness all manners of magic to give monster spirits a material form.  
PEGASUS: These games would be waged across not only the physical plane, but the metaphysical plane as well - as those who lost the Shadow Game would often forfeit their soul.  
PEGASUS: And the tradition began in Egypt.  
DIRK: You mean...  
DIRK: Duel Monsters were the original form of Shadow Game?  
PEGASUS: Bingo, Strider-boy.

God, this really does just sound like bullshit.

But something about this whole explanation feels...like it just cleared something up for me. As if it was obvious the whole time that everything that forms the otherwise unknown core of my being - the ability to begin Shadow Games, my proficiency in Duel Monsters, and my dwelling within an ancient Egyptian artifact - that they're all related, somehow. Come to think of it, I *felt* this game's importance to my soul, didn't I? Back when I summoned Exodia, it was as if he was calling to me, calling for me to...

...

God, I still have fucking nothing. Cool, I know that I'm a 3000 year old gamer from Egypt. What else? What got me into the puzzle? What was it about me that even let me play these Shadow Games in the first place? Who the hell was I?

PEGASUS: You seem to be pretty deep in thought.  
PEGASUS: Remember that we're on a pretty tight time limit though! I know that time absolutely flies when you're having fun, and I'm honored that you enjoy a diatribe with little old me...  
PEGASUS: But you have about nine minutes left. Might want to make it count, since I still have the advantage in Life Points...  
DIRK: I'm well aware, Pegasus.

Can't believe I just got lost in my fucking thoughts. That pretty much runs counter to my whole strategy of running out the clock. Still, judging from the cards in my hand, I should be able to end this pretty quickly. Depending on whether his facedowns interrupt me before I can pull my combo off, I might even be able to take him down in this turn alone. If they're just a bunch of Battle Phase traps like I think they are, he's a goner.

Alright then. It's go time.

DIRK: I'll start my turn off by Special Summoning "Cyber Dragon" in Attack position.  
PEGASUS: Oh my!

As I placed the card down on the carpet, the artwork upon the card shined a bright white, with energy sprouting upwards from it until it took a more distinct form. Curling its silvery, metallic serpentine body behind me, as if to protect my backside, its tail on my left and its head on my right nearer to the television, Cyber Dragon had fully taken shape, just like Necroface had. Unlike Necroface, though, my dragon was a little bit more outwardly imposing - awe-inspiring instead of horrifying, with impenetrable scales of iron and a destructive laser cannon hidden within its throat.

PEGASUS: My, my. Adopting a new ace, are we?  
DIRK: I don't have any particular attachment to any one monster as an "ace".  
DIRK: Cyber Dragon just has a healthy amount of attack, while also serving as something that's easy to summon without taking up my Normal Summon.  
DIRK: That way, I can summon more than one monster per turn without it costing me anything.  
DIRK: Gotta say, the power creep is coming pretty quickly, Pegasus. Might want to take this duel to remember that some people aren't quite ready to get overwhelmed by pure card advantage.  
PEGASUS: I see that you're a quick study when it comes to this game! I don't think I've seen anyone pinpoint so accurately the future direction of the game's meta.  
PEGASUS: Besides myself, of course.  
DIRK: I'm flattered.  
PEGASUS: But you should know that there's much, much more that you simply don't know about. Ideas and decks that, as you are now, you could only dream of.  
DIRK: No need to be so cryptic, Pegasus. I know that I'm limited by my lack of foreknowledge about the massive number of cards you've released.  
DIRK: But I'm sure I could beat you down with the hand I've drawn.  
PEGASUS: Then show me what you can do.  
DIRK: Of course.  
DIRK: I'll follow up my "Cyber Dragon" with a Normal Summon of my "Artillery Catapult Turtle".

The mechanized turtle rises up from the ground, and its catapult aims itself toward the TV with the noise of a heavy-lift crane.

DIRK: My turtle's ability allows me to tribute a monster in order to Special Summon either a "Gaia the Fierce Knight" monster, or a Level 5 Dragon monster from my deck.  
DIRK: I'll go ahead and have it tribute itself, then Special Summon "Curse of Dragon, The Cursed Dragon" from my Deck.

Just as soon as my turtle enters, it disappears, aiming its catapult upwards and self destructing. Out of the bright smoke appears the shining yellow dragon that takes its place.

DIRK: And since my "Curse of Dragon, the Cursed Dragon" has been Special Summoned, I can add a Spell or Trap that lists "Gaia, the Dragon Champion" from my deck to my hand.  
DIRK: I'll go ahead and add "Spiral Fusion" from my deck to my hand.  
DIRK: Now I'll use Spiral Fusion with my Dragon on the field and my "Lord Gaia, the Fierce Knight" in my hand... 

DIRK: ...in order to Fusion Summon my "Sky Galloping Gaia, the Dragon Champion" from my Extra Deck.

A massive swirling spiral of red, blue, and green starts to revolve behind me, sucking in both the Curse of Dragon that I had on my field and the life force energy of the Knight in my hand. A few seconds later, the colors begin to fade and the swirling comes to a stop, as the vortex begins to compress into an orb of light. The orb of light promptly explodes into a flashy array of red and blue, as my Sky Galloping Gaia charges into the scene on dragonback.

God, I am so glad that this place has high ceilings. It's already getting a little claustrophobic.

DIRK: Now, thanks to the effect of my "Spiral Fusion", since this card's name is treated as "Gaia the Dragon Champion", it gains 2600 ATK, putting it at 5200 ATK. And since it's been Special Summoned, I can add a "Spiral Spear Strike" from my deck to my hand as well, which I'll keep in my hand for now.  
PEGASUS: My goodness!  
PEGASUS: You certainly have stepped up your game quite a bit since your last foray into dueling!  
PEGASUS: You only used three cards in your six card hand, and you've brought out quite the ensemble. Even summoned a Fusion Monster!  
PEGASUS: Considering Fusion Monsters can only be summoned with a combination of specific monsters and a fusion card, I'm surprised you didn't go with something more generic, like Polymerization...  
PEGASUS: But I suppose you've prepared quite well, if you know how to put a deck together this efficiently.  
DIRK: You haven't made it easy for me.  
PEGASUS: That being said...you've stuck yourself into a bit of a box, as far as your thought processes go.  
PEGASUS: It'll take a bit of pushing before you find any of this game's juicier secrets.  
DIRK: What?  
PEGASUS: Oh, nothing...  
PEGASUS: You'll find out in due time.  
DIRK: Does anyone ever tell you that your know-it-all schtick gets old?  
PEGASUS: Does anyone tell you?  
DIRK: Come on, Pegasus. What is this, amateur hour or something? Middle school recess with elementary school level insults?  
DIRK: What's next, are you just going to say "I know you are, but what am I?"  
PEGASUS: Oh, Strider-boy. I'm never going to ask that question, even in jest.  
PEGASUS: And just so you don't ask, it's because I know EXACTLY who I am! A fun, lovable, conniving little bastard of a man, with an incredibly charming voice.  
PEGASUS: Then again, I suppose I can't blame you for projecting your own issues onto me.  
PEGASUS: I can see it in your soul, Strider-boy. You don't know just who or what you are.  
PEGASUS: Sure, you have a little husk of a body to live in, and a purpose with which to throw yourself into wholeheartedly.  
PEGASUS: But your identity? It's wrapped in shadows, jumbled up like a photograph censored with those little pixels.  
PEGASUS: And you're so committed to this show of confidence and bravado that sparing a thought for it is terrifying to you, isn't it?  
PEGASUS: You've delved into your personal sense of self, sure - but secretly, you're wondering one teensy little thing that you can never quite place your finger on:  
PEGASUS: "What if I'm faking all of this?"  
PEGASUS: "What if everything I've been doing so far has just been an effort to trick myself into a false sense of meager satisfaction? What if there's a version of me, out there in the depths of my memory, who actually had convictions that he stood for? Beliefs he held? People he trusted? And what if I'm failing to live up to that version of me?"  
PEGASUS: This little game's just been a distraction from all of that for you, hasn't it, Dirk?  
DIRK:  
PEGASUS: Well, as the creator of the game, I'm pleased to serve.

...

Okay. There's no fucking way that he knew all this just from researching my duel with Jane. This is actually starting to get a little disturbing. Do Dave's friends even know all that about my thoughts and insecurities? Fuck, does Dave himself even know that shit?

PEGASUS: While you're sitting there, speechless...  
PEGASUS: ...I'll go ahead and activate my Trap Card - my "Dragon Capture Jar"!

PEGASUS: Your Cyber Dragon might not count as a Dragon, but your Dragon Champion certainly does.  
PEGASUS: And because of that, he'll be going into Defense Mode for now! So sorry!  
PEGASUS: And since this is a Continuous Trap, he'll stay like that until you get rid of this.  
DIRK: Well, I suppose it'd be a little too easy if I could just tear you to shreds with Gaia here.  
DIRK: Worth a shot, though.

Okay, so one of his traps just completely neuters Dragon-type monsters - at least, long enough for him to mount a solid counterattack. Jane's definitely not going to enjoy waking up to a card like this, with her Blue-Eyes-centric strategy. Then again, I doubt she'd be rushing to play a game with a guy like this.

Ultimately, though? I think Pegasus is pretty much cooked, if that's the caliber of backrow I'm up against. The last three cards in my hand should do the trick.

DIRK: Alright, Pegasus. I'll show you what I've got, then.  
DIRK: First, I'll activate "Dark Magic Veil", which allows me to pay 1000 Life Points in order to Special Summon a DARK Spellcaster monster from my hand or Graveyard.  
DIRK: Of course, I'll pick my Dark Magician.

PEGASUS: Ahh, the famous Dark Magician!  
PEGASUS: Always love to admire one of my more iconic creations in the flesh.

Dark Magician seemed to tense up. Might've just been my imagination, but I think he narrowed his eyes a little bit in response to Pegasus' prodding, too. I suppose it makes sense, given that we're apparently communing with monster spirits now. But none of the other monsters have been making any noticeable movements that felt out of the ordinary.

DIRK: Well, today's your lucky day, because he's about to do a little magic show for you.  
DIRK: Your three remaining facedown cards are the only things really standing between me and certain victory, after all.  
PEGASUS: Confident, I see.

I have 2000 Life Points right now, compared to his 3500. If I attack his Necroface with my Dark Magician for 300 points of damage, and deal another 2100 to him with Cyber Dragon, he'll only have 1100 Life Points. I'll have the advantage, leaving me the winner if he doesn't have a way to retaliate. 

The fact that he hasn't used his facedown cards to stop my summonings points to the possibility that they're made to stop me from battling, negate some kind of effect, or do something niche and unimportant. Meaning that just to be safe, I should use the last card in my hand to take them all out.

PEGASUS: Prepared for this duel to end so soon?  
DIRK: Of course. You're the one who put it on a time limit.  
PEGASUS: Hahaha...I suppose that you're right.  
DIRK: I'll end this duel by activating the final card in my hand - "Dark Magic Attack".  
DIRK: Thanks to the fact that I have a Dark Magician on the field, I can destroy all Spells and Traps you control.

I turn towards the Dark Magician, and he turns his head ever so slightly to face me, before nodding and turning his head back toward the television monitor. He floats back, twirling his rod as dark energy spirals from around the room towards the end of it. With a click of his boot, he stops his twirling movements, now in a battle-ready stance, pointing his staff towards Pegasus with a crackling, sparking ball of plasma floating straight ahead.

Without a word, he sends it flying. It crashes over Pegasus, engulfing him in shadowy energy like an explosion - but anything that would seem painful about the attack seemingly bounces off of him as his left eye glows gold. He smirks, chuckling lightly to himself.

DIRK: Something funny?  
PEGASUS: Hehehehe...  
PEGASUS: I suppose that I should let you in on the joke, shouldn't I, Strider-boy?  
PEGASUS: You destroyed my facedown cards:  
PEGASUS: Reload, and two copies of Secret Blast.  
DIRK: Secret Blast...?

PEGASUS: You've signed your own death warrant for this duel, Dirk.  
PEGASUS: How unlucky!  
DIRK: What the hell do you mean, signed my own-  
PEGASUS: Secret Blast activates when you destroy it, dealing you 1000 points of damage.  
PEGASUS: And since you destroyed two...  
DIRK: ...Oh fuck.

Two sets of time bombs pop up in front of the television, and before I have a chance to react, they explode in a bright light. My monsters all violently disintegrate as my Life Points drop to 0, and I recoil in almost reflexive shock at my abrupt loss. 

PEGASUS: Game over, Strider-boy.  
DIRK: ...  
PEGASUS: You know what the payment for one who loses this Shadow Game is.  
DIRK: The collateral.  
DIRK: Right.  
PEGASUS: You should ALSO know that you don't have to act so tough in front of me. I know that you want to shout in frustration and really just make a hell of a scene right about now.  
PEGASUS: You've never lost a game before now, after all. So I bet you want to scream.  
PEGASUS: Maybe you even want to cry, just a little bit!  
DIRK: Dude, shut the fuck up and just do whatever you were going to do to me.  
DIRK: You don't need to drag this out, Pegasus. Not when I'm going to pay you back a thousand fold at the tournament.  
PEGASUS: It's always awkward, that first time.  
PEGASUS: But it always gets a little bit easier, doesn't it?  
DIRK: Are the innuendos supposed to be salt in the wound or something?  
DIRK: What are you going to even take from me?  
PEGASUS: Nothing important.  
PEGASUS: Not to you, at least.

Pegasus' Millenium Eye shines a glowing gold, as his hair begins to flow as if wind were blowing under him. I can feel an intense amount of shadowy energy surrounding him and threading its way into this room, blowing past me and wafting towards my friends-

Ah, shit. Is he really going to take one of them away? Come the fuck on.

PEGASUS: As for who I'll take...  
PEGASUS: I bet your grandpa over there could use some time out of the house, couldn't he?

Oh, it's just Dave's Grandpa. His soul gets sucked up and transferred towards Pegasus' side of the Shadow Game space, where it seems to converge onto a card. The light is once again blinding as his soul is fully transmitted into the card - reflected by the fact that, once I'm able to see again, his face, mildly horrified and mildly annoyed, is plastered all over the art of the card.

Well, that could've gone worse, I suppose. Not that I'd like Dave to know that I think that, since it's his grandfather who's basically just been soul-napped. Frankly, my mind's still racing back to the moment that I lost. There's something about how it happened...

PEGASUS: Well, I didn't expect much of a response from you, to be completely honest.  
PEGASUS: But I take it I've assured your participation in the tournament?  
DIRK: Yeah, yeah.  
DIRK: Definitely not going to let Dave go without a legal guardian here. Not while college is a thing he still has to do, and living on campus is basically completely monetarily out of the question.  
DIRK: Also, Grandpa was pretty chill, so you probably shouldn't be in charge of his soul.  
PEGASUS: But you're much more motivated by your spite and dissatisfaction, aren't you?  
DIRK: Maybe. Does it really matter to you?  
PEGASUS: I think that now that you lost and your grandfather's soul is in my possession...  
PEGASUS: Right now would be a pretty good time to explain the other things you received in the package I sent you!  
PEGASUS: Since I'm sure you'll make your way over to my tournament, if only to save your loved ones, after all.

Something about that last move didn't feel quite right.

PEGASUS: Besides the videotape, there was a glove with a large metallic wristguard, as well as two little star-shaped "chips".  
PEGASUS: Those are Star Chips. You'll need them to make your way through the tournament - you're out if you don't have them, and you'll be betting them during every match.  
PEGASUS: So treat them like they're your life!

Why the hell would he set Reload? Was it just to bluff me into being worried about his face-down cards? Its only effect is to shuffle his cards back into his deck, so it's not like...

PEGASUS: You start out with two of them, but your goal is to get ten of them during my little competition in order to proceed to the Finals.  
PEGASUS: Then we've got all those different cards that I sent you...

Come to think of it, his cards weren't actually all that good. Dragon Capture Jar only really counters Dragon monsters, of which I don't play very many, and Secret Blast and Tremendous Fire don't even fully wipe me out if I hadn't played Dark Magic Veil. So he was really relying on Necroface to get the job done, but that doesn't make very much sense...

PEGASUS: You've got a wide array of different cards with you.  
PEGASUS: A good five of them are just blank cards with black backgrounds, and another five are blank with white backgrounds...  
PEGASUS: I assure you, they ARE important. But you'll have to figure out what they're for yourself.

Did Pegasus really think that Necroface and Dragon Capture Jar would be enough to stop me on their own? Or did he somehow predict that I'd...

No, did he KNOW that I was going to reduce my Life Points?

PEGASUS: Then there's the invitation cards. One just tells you about the island, Duelist Kingdom, where I am holding the tournament, and another just tells you when the ship to the tournament reaches the docks, which will be at around 10:00 PM about a week from now.  
PEGASUS: The important ones are the one depicting gold and treasure for its card art, and the one with absolutely nothing on it.

He has a Millenium item, after all. Did I honestly expect him to play fully by the books? Maybe he could see my hand due to some sort of camera in the packaging that he sent or something. Otherwise, there's absolutely no real reason that he wouldn't just shuffle his whole hand back in with Reload in order to try and get something better.

PEGASUS: They're the "Glory of the King's Hand" and the "Glory of the King's Opposite Hand" cards respectively.  
PEGASUS: If you so happen to make your way to the very top...  
PEGASUS: ...the former will give you the full prize money of $300,000 upon winning the tournament.

No, that's not right either. 

Pegasus didn't just see my hand - he knew exactly how much I would extend my play. And exactly how I would handle the facedown cards. If he didn't, he would've still won by activating Secret Blast manually, since it'd still do quite enough damage.

PEGASUS: The latter, meanwhile, will give you the chance for something I think you'd consider even greater.  
PEGASUS: A rematch with yours truly! With the greatest stakes imaginable.

He didn't know just what cards I had in my hand - he knew how I would go about playing them. Which means...

PEGASUS: Bingo, Strider-boy.  
PEGASUS: Took you long enough.  
DIRK: You've been reading my mind this entire fucking time, haven't you?  
PEGASUS: I was hoping you'd catch on a little sooner, to be honest.  
PEGASUS: Or at least take those sunglasses off so I could see the look on your face shift and contort in confusion and deep thought.  
DIRK: Confident for a man who resorted to cheating against me off the bat, aren't you?  
PEGASUS: Dirk, please.  
PEGASUS: You should know by now that the way you approach this game doesn't really change whether you know what's in a man's hand or not!  
PEGASUS: It is as you thought - I was toying with you.  
PEGASUS: As you are right now, if I brought my true deck, well...  
PEGASUS: It'd be over so fast I wouldn't be able to enjoy the fun!

Of course this wasn't his real deck. God fucking damnit.

PEGASUS: I'll let you in on one more little secret before we go our separate ways, Strider-boy.  
PEGASUS: A parting gift from one creator to another - the reason why I designed this game and continue to oversee its development.  
PEGASUS: I want something, Dirk.  
PEGASUS: And I'm willing to do anything to take it.  
PEGASUS: Even if it takes a little bit of what you would consider cheating.  
PEGASUS: The purpose of my game that you wanted to know about earlier? It's to take what's mine. Nothing more, nothing less.  
PEGASUS: And if taking the soul of someone like your dear grandfather can help me achieve my goal? Well, that'll have to do.  
PEGASUS: I'll let time unfreeze right about now. You'll know where to find me.  
DIRK: Oh hell no. Don't you wimp out on me right now, get back in-  
PEGASUS: Toodle-loo, Strider-boy!

And just like that, the screen cut to static, and my connection to Pegasus was broken. The hazy atmosphere of the Shadow Game quickly faded, as time began to move forward again. Karkat continued to hurl his loud insults towards the man that was no longer there, while June and Jake took notice of the fact that Grandpa Strider had suddenly collapsed onto the ground. The sudden doses of reality had shocked our systems as everyone else began to realize the gravity of what just happened.

I had lost. Completely and with no small amount of humiliation. I failed.

There was nothing left to do but let Dave take back over and think about my next move. I can still make this right. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

CALLIOPE: what do yoU mean they're gone?

It was Calliope's fifth time within the tower that CrockerCorp called its headquarters, and the first since the last time they saw Roxy. Dressed in a casual, unassuming off-white wool sweater with a couple of colorful touches near the neckline, a comfortable pair of dark grey jeans adorning their legs, and the ever-mysterious, golden Millenium Ring hanging about their neck, they were out of place in the otherwise intensely professional and high-tech looking lobby of CrockerCorp HQ. The orange hues of the same sunset that Dave and Karkat were looking at shone through the entryway's many windows and panes of glass, giving it a much warmer hue than usual.

Roxy wasn't answering any of their messages for the past couple days, and they hadn't been seen since the day that Calliope was there to watch over Jane with them for a little bit. Calliope didn't want to be overbearing, so they gave it a couple days with intermittent messages, but at a certain point, they had to follow up. They felt like something was almost compelling them to check on their beloved, to see if anything was holding them up. With any luck, the fear would be unwarranted, and Roxy would've simply been busy (although, Calliope recalls, this never seemed to be the case in days past).

Physically going somewhere to check up on someone was a little bit more forceful than Calliope usually preferred to be. Not that Calliope was completely a cherub of inaction, but "getting oneself involved" in things that seemed unusual wasn't really ever how they lived, and certainly wasn't how they survived for a good period of time. For a cherub like Calliope, formerly preoccupied with predomination, they felt like life was already a challenge without getting physically involved in what could be trouble. Wasn't it good enough just to live long enough to finally control their own identity, for the "true" version of the self to win out? Couldn't they spend their life vibing after the hard shit? Why would they be obligated to stick their head into other people's business? Isn't there supposed to be a reward for this type of self-conquering?

FRONT DESK GIRL: they were here three days ago, but they haven't been back since.  
FRONT DESK GIRL: if i remember correctly, they were last leaving with a tall man with long white hair and a strange red suit. i think he might've mentioned something about a kingdom, too.

Calliope frowned. For them, life wasn't so gracious to give them an eternal reward. Even this trip to see what Roxy had been up to was only really giving them bad news. Roxy had been mentioning before that Maximillion Pegasus, the CEO of Industrial Illusions, was getting strangely aggressive in pursuing a partnership with CrockerCorp - a merger, even. Such a partnership could be interesting if it didn't stink of corporate machinations and ulterior motives, and it didn't help that Pegasus himself was as shifty and calculating in the board meetings as they come. Roxy suspected that he'd be trying something dirty soon - that his goals, in Jane's absence, would be something more along the lines of a company buyout, or an *absorption* of CrockerCorp for complete control, rather than a free reign partnership.

The idea reminded Calliope of the subject of predomination, once again. It happened years ago (but not many), and it was ultimately somewhat uneventful - their brother died and they took over. But the process leading up to it was grimy - the predomination was only really possible through almost uncharacteristic ruthlessness, cleverness, and trickery. It almost felt like cheating, just to survive.

Imagine Calliope's disappointment when they ended up not being as alone as they hoped, later on down the line.

Regardless, though, Pegasus was thriving. With his riches and opulent lifestyle, he doesn't need to cheat, nor does he need to be ruthless, nor a trickster. And certainly, he absolutely does not fucking need to kidnap Calliope's partner and take them to a deserted fucking island.

CALLIOPE: i see...  
CALLIOPE: thank yoU very mUch.  
CALLIOPE: i think i left something in jane's room a few floors Up. do yoU mind if i retrieve it?  
FRONT DESK GIRL: well you're a close friend of both the ceo and the vice ceo, so i really don't see why not!  
CALLIOPE: thank yoU! i'll be on my way.

Calliope was lying. They didn't forget shit.

They quickly found themselves alone in the clean and spacious elevator, heading directly for the top floor. For a skyscraper as high-reaching as CrockerCorp HQ, that would take a little while. They were about to do something a little crazy, but for someone as important as Roxy? The usual hesitation and trepidation that Calliope carried was gone, as if scattered to the wind. Pegasus wasn't going to get away with this.

CALIBORN: HEY.

A ghostly presence stood next to Calliope, taking up a spot in the elevator, unreflected on any of the mirrors. It was a cherub, like themself.

CALIBORN: I SEE THAT YOU ARE THINKING. OF PARKING YOUR MASSIVE GARBAGE ASS SOMEWHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG IN.  
CALIBORN: I WILL ADMIT. THAT THIS IS AN INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT! IN RELATIVITY STANDARDS.  
CALIBORN: BY WHICH I MEAN THAT IT ISN'T INTERESTING AT ALL. BECAUSE I COULD BE TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR BODY RIGHT NOW. AND IT WOULD BE WAY MORE DRAMATIC.  
CALLIOPE: i don't feel like talking to yoU right now.

The spirit that laid inside the Millenium Ring was getting restless again. And as if it wasn't bad enough to have one of those, it was practically a carbon copy of Calliope's dead brother. Same awful attitude, same destructive tendencies, same habit of mentally creating rules upon rules, structure upon structure, all for the sake of self-serving until the complexity took on a life of its own.

CALIBORN: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMPARTMENTALIZING ME AWAY, YOU AWFUL BITCH!  
CALIBORN: IF YOU WEREN'T AWARE. I AM BASICALLY SOME KIND OF DARK EVIL FUCKED UP GOD.  
CALIBORN: PROBABLY.  
CALIBORN: I THINK? YES. I THINK.  
CALLIOPE: yoU don't know, and that's aboUt all i feel like learning aboUt yoU today.  
CALIBORN: WAIT STOP THAT YOU GROTESQUEISH GREEN BITCHFUCKER!!!! STOP STUFFING ME BACSDJKFHSDFJKSDHF

Thankfully, it's not hard to deal with him at the moment. Calliope essentially slammed Caliborn's soul back into his natural resting place - the Millenium Ring itself. With their mind.

Does that make sense? Not really? Well, this is fucking Yugiohstuck, so get used to it.

?????: Seems like you're planning on doing something pretty dangerous.  
?????: You sure you don't want to back out now? I could probably take care of things for you if it's really important to you.

The second voice wasn't accompanied with a body. Besides the sounds ringing in Calliope's brain, there wasn't a single thing to clearly signify to them that this voice was something that existed. Even so, the voice's presence was felt - it gave off a dangerous, impenetrable aura, and yet its tones were not those of intimidation, but of comfort. It was almost soothing, in spite of the power felt.

CALLIOPE: i'm glad that yoU're worrying aboUt me like UsUal, honestly.  
CALLIOPE: becaUse i do think i might need yoUr help at some point or another, whether its dealing with pegasUs or with the ring that i can't leave behind...  
CALLIOPE: bUt i do think that it is important that i'm the one doing this.  
CALLIOPE: i don't want to leave roxy behind, even if it leads me into some really intense stUff.  
CALLIOPE: i coUldn't forgive myself if i did that! yoU Understand, right?  
?????: Of course I do. I've gotten carried away with it before, though.  
?????: In that case, I'll be by your side, as always, if you ever need me.  
?????: You know where I'll be.  
CALLIOPE: right.

The elevator bell dings. The door opens. The roof awaits.

Calliope steps out onto the roof and sees what they were hoping to find - the CrockerCorp helicopter, ready and waiting on the roof's helipad.

Time for a little thievery.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

The horizon was now almost a burning crimson, as if the sun had lit everything above it ablaze. The rays of the sun extended their light towards the showroom of a store that was in the process of being set up - the outside doors were decorated with nothing but an "Opening Soon" sign, and the sign for the store was nowhere in sight. It was, currently, a store that would've been completely unremarkable to everyone, save for its strange, overwhelmingly green wallpaper. 

The interior, still a work in progress, wasn't particularly ornate outside of this. It had shelves with glass cases, multiple branching rooms, and a couple of strange looking grandfather clocks in various corners. But for the most part, it was organized in a relatively practical manner - shelves of various sizes lined the walls with various products, which were largely different types of Duel Monsters packs, structure decks, and merchandise. A few figurines in display boxes and robot model kits were scattered around, as well.

At the front desk was a woman with her hair tied up in a pony tail to fit over her visor, and a largely bland off-blue polo shirt and jeans acting as her uniform. The troll's left eye, behind her glasses, had a unique seven pupils. Both eyes were narrowed in mild boredom since she had technically gotten done with her job of setting things up in the main room. Once her phone began to buzz and she saw the name on it, her expression had shifted into an almost jovial smirk.

She answers the phone.

TEREZI: HOW'S TH3 BR4ND SP4NK1NG N3W C4RD SHOP COM1NG 4LONG S3RK3T  
TEREZI: WH4T W4S 1T'S FUCK1NG N4M3 4G41N BY TH3 W4Y 1 C4N'T S33M TO R3C4LL  
VRISKA: Terezi, you know what it's called.  
VRISKA: And frankly, even if I reiterated it to you over the phone, it wouldn't have quite as much impact since the really stupid 8it concerning it is in the fucking acronym.  
VRISKA: Cards and 8all Trinkets is just a really weird sounding name.  
VRISKA: 8ut the old fucko was pretty insistent that we get across the full nature of this esta8lishment in its title.  
TEREZI: WH1CH 1S 4 PL4C3 TH4T S3LLS NOT ONLY C4RDS, BUT "B4LL TR1NK3TS", 4LL JUST SO H3 C4N M4K3 4 TH1NLY V31L3D CBT R3F3R3NC3  
VRISKA: Yeah, pretty fucking much.  
VRISKA: Whenever I take it off his hands, I'm calling this place C8T Cards and there's nothing he's gonna 8e a8le to do to fucking stop me.  
TEREZI: W3LL 1'LL B3 TH3R3 TO H3LP YOU WR1T3 DOWN TH3 L3TT3R B FOR YOU WH3N3V3R YOU N33D 1T  
TEREZI: UNL3SS TH4T 8 1SN'T 4 "B" 4ND 1T SOM3HOW 4CTU4LLY ST4NDS FOR "COCK 4ND 8-B4LL TORTUR3" C4RDS  
VRISKA: I mean. Honestly?  
VRISKA: I'd have to get 8ack to you on that. It's a pretty good idea.  
VRISKA: Way 8etter than ideas from the puppety little dipshit in charge of the place, haha.  
TEREZI: Y34H 1T R34LLY SOUNDS L1K3 H3'S NOT 3X4CTLY TH3 B3ST P3RSON TO UH  
TEREZI: B3 WORK1NG UND3R 1N 4NY C4P4C1TY?  
VRISKA: Oh, and whose fault would that 8e, little Miss Redglare?  
TEREZI: W3LL 1N H1NDS1GHT  
TEREZI: 4ND 1 4M SP34K1NG 1N TH3 M3T4PHOR1C4L S3NS3 OF H1NDS1GHT R4TH3R TH4N TH3 L1T3R4L, S1NC3 1'V3 B33N BL1ND FOR MOST OF MY L1F3  
TEREZI: R3COMM3ND1NG H1M TO YOU W4S 4 PR3TTY B1G M1ST4K3  
TEREZI: 1 KN3W YOU W3R3 4 L1TTL3 D3SP3R4T3 4T TH4T T1M3 4 Y34R 4GO BUT 1 SHOULD'V3 KNOWN TH4T SOM3TH1NG W4S SH1FTY 4BOUT H1M 4ND  
TEREZI: UGH 1 F33L SO STUP1D 4BOUT 1T!!!  
TEREZI: 4ND UH  
TEREZI: 1'M S-  
VRISKA: Shhhhhhhh. Shoosh.  
VRISKA: It's fucking fine, Terezi. I could see that things were going to get pretty 8ad with him pretty early on.  
VRISKA: Don't ever say you're sorry to anyone, alright?  
VRISKA: We're gonna live our life without regrets. 8oth of us are.  
VRISKA: And if it takes doing what this jackass says to finally get my fucking life started? Well, that's just another challenge for me.  
VRISKA: And I eat challenges for 8reakfast, lunch, and dinner. It's my whole fucking diet, 8a8y.  
TEREZI: R1GHT  
VRISKA: Come on, lighten up!  
VRISKA: He sucks, yeah, 8ut compared to doing shit for my mom?  
VRISKA: Waaaaaaaay less violence involved. He mostly just has awful vi8es.  
TEREZI:1 DON'T KNOW HOW 1 D3LUD3D MYS3LF 1NTO TH1NK1NG TH4T H3 W4S JUST 4 R1D1CULOUS W31RD LOOK1NG GUY FOR SO LONG  
TEREZI: W3R3 W3 R34LLY TH4T MUCH OF 4 M3SS TWO Y34RS 4GO  
VRISKA: God, I know I was.  
VRISKA: 8ut honestly - and I can't 8elieve I'm saying this - we really need to stop talking a8out what's up with me.  
VRISKA: How's life on your end?  
TEREZI: 1T'S FUNNY YOU M3NT1ON TH4T 4CTU4LLY  
TEREZI: 1 T3XT3D K4RK4T 4 COUPL3 N1GHTS 4GO  
VRISKA: Holy shit, really? That's a name I haven't heard in a long time.  
VRISKA: Why the hell would you text Karkat?  
TEREZI: B4CK 1N H1GH SCHOOL W3 H4D 3X4CTLY ON3 D4T3 W1TH 34CH OTH3R  
TEREZI: 1 WON'T GO 1NTO D3T41LS BUT  
TEREZI: 1T W4S PR3TTY HORR3NDOUS!  
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! My god, I can only imagine!  
TEREZI: FR4NKLY 1T'S ON3 OF THOS3 SORTS OF M3MOR13S YOU C4N LOOK B4CK ON 4ND L4UGH 4T  
TEREZI: BUT 3V1D3NTLY K4RK4T F3LT PR3TTY B4D 4BOUT SHOW1NG M3 SUCH 4N 4WFUL T1M3  
TEREZI: 4ND 3V3RY COUPL3 MONTHS 4FT3RW4RDS H3 T3XT3D M3 TO S33 HOW 1 W4S DO1NG  
TEREZI: 1 N3V3R R34LLY 4NSW3R3D BUT H3'S L3FT SO M4NY M3SS4G3S 1 WOULDN'T B3 4BL3 TO T3LL YOU  
VRISKA: Damn, how long has he 8een doing this????????  
TEREZI: W3LL H3 S3NT 4 T3XT 4 COUPL3 N1GHTS 4GO SO 1'D S4Y H3 H4SN'T STOPP3D  
TEREZI: SO 1 GU3SS OFF 4ND ON FOUR Y34RS 4ND COUNT1NG  
VRISKA: Over one fucking date.  
TEREZI: Y34H  
VRISKA: What, did he just take you out for a movie date or something, but the movie was like a million times less funny and more depressing and bleak than he expected?  
TEREZI: TH4T 1S 4LMOST 3X4CTLY WH4T H4PP3N3D Y3S  
VRISKA: What a fucking guy.  
TEREZI: OH Y34H NO H3 1S 4 PR1M3 FUCK1NG W3LL DON3 ST34K 3X4MPL3 OF 4 GUY  
TEREZI: BUT TH3S3 T3XTS!!!!  
TEREZI: JUST  
TEREZI: DON'T  
TEREZI: FUCK1NG  
TEREZI: STOP!!!!  
TEREZI: SO 1 TOLD H1M TH4T MY BL1NDN3SS W4S 4BOUT TO B3COM3 P3RM4N3NT 1N 4 COUPL3 MONTHS  
TEREZI: 4ND TH4T 1'D N33D $300,000 1N ORD3R TO P4Y 4 SP3C14L1ST FROM 4M3R1C4 TO FLY OV3R 4ND H3LP M3 OUT  
VRISKA: You think it'd really cost that much????????  
TEREZI: 1 DON'T KNOW 4ND 1 L3G1T1M4T3LY DO NOT C4R3  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 L1K3 1'V3 B33N BL1ND S1NC3 1 W4S M4YB3 TW3LV3 OR TH1RT33N  
VRISKA: I'm well aware, yes.  
TEREZI: 4ND L1K3 WH1L3 1T 1S TRU3 TH4T MY BL1NDN3SS 1S 4BOUT TO B3 P3RM4N3NT  
TEREZI: 4ND TH4T TH3 W1NDOW FOR SP3C14L1ST 1NT3RV3NT1ON 1S CLOS1NG PR3TTY SOON TOO  
TEREZI: H3 STR41GHT UP DO3S NOT KNOW M3 W3LL 3NOUGH TO KNOW TH4T 1 WOULDN'T 3V3R T4K3 TH4T OP3R4T1ON 1N 4 M1LL1ON Y34RS  
VRISKA: Okay, god damn, Terezi.  
VRISKA: So you 8asically gave him a choice 8etween 8eing too ashamed to ever talk to you again, or giving you a fucking mountain of cash.  
VRISKA: In Duel Monsters, we call that a win-win.  
VRISKA: When did you 8ecome such a devious motherfucker?  
TEREZI: OH COM3 ON TH1S 1SN'T 3V3N MY B3ST WORK  
TEREZI: 4LSO PL34S3 1T'S C4LL3D 4 W1N-W1N 1N TH1NGS TH4T 4R3N'T DU3L MONST3RS  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 G3TT1NG W4Y TOO 1NTO TH4T G4M3  
VRISKA: Well, given that Aranea's the national champ and that I can A8SOLUTELY take her down a fucking peg, I figured it was a8out time to throw myself right the fuck into this.  
VRISKA: Too 8ad I can't make it to that upcoming tournament due to work shit.  
VRISKA: Honestly, you'd pro8a8ly love this game if you could actually play it.  
TEREZI: C4RD G4M3S 4R3N'T 3X4CTLY M4D3 W1TH 4CC3SS1B1L1TY 1N M1ND  
TEREZI: 4ND 3V3N 1F 1 COULD L1CK TH3 C4RDS 1'M SUR3 TH4T'D FR34K P3OPL3 R1GHT TH3 FUCK OUT H4H4H4H4  
VRISKA: I dunno. I'm sure some people would think it's kinda hot.  
TEREZI: L1K3 WHO  
VRISKA: Um!  
VRISKA: Anyways...

A little bell rang, signifying that a customer had entered the store. Which, obviously, was quite strange.

VRISKA: W8, who the hell...

June Egbert, who we know quite well as one of Dave and Karkat's closest friends, had wandered in mindlessly, distracting herself with her phone. The thought of the upcoming Duelist Kingdom was bringing her no small amount of dread. Questions had been filling her mind for pretty much the whole week, and they were starting to flow in like water over a busted dam.

How was she going to sneak onto that boat? How was she even going to help out, once she got on? Was Dirk going to plunge everyone into horrible death defying circumstances again? Would anyone blame her if she walked out?

Did she even want to walk out on this? Why did it feel like, more than anything, she wanted to be the one taking care of business? Why did she want that? Why did she want to be there, even if only as someone to spur others on?

Vriska didn't see her grappling with these questions and instead focused on how fucking ridiculous it was for someone to wander into a clearly closed store. What kind of character just let herself in? Whoever she was, she wanted to know at least a little bit more.

VRISKA: ........  
VRISKA: Looks like I might have to call you 8ack on this later. Someone's at the shop.  
TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT YOU S41D 1T W4SN'T OP3N  
VRISKA: It isn't!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I don't even know why she came in. The sign isn't even up yet that this is a place where anything would 8e sold????????  
TEREZI: TH4T'S PR3TTY FUCK1NG H1L4R1OUS  
TEREZI: 1'LL L34V3 YOU TO YOUR L1TTL3 PL4YD4T3 W1TH TH1S WH4CKJOB CUSTOM3R  
VRISKA: Talk to ya later, Terezi.  
TEREZI: S33 Y4 VR1SK4  
TEREZI: >;]

Once Vriska got off the phone, she started walking towards June with her hands in her pockets, each step as confident as the last. June started to realize that she was, in fact, inside a place right now. Shit. Was this place even open? The sign in front said something, didn't it? Quick, look at something on the shelves...jeez, there's a lot of Duel Monsters shit in here, isn't there?

VRISKA: Well, well, well. Look at you, slumping your way into the game shop!  
VRISKA: You look like a girl who can get her game on, 8ut I have to ask - are you lost or something?  
VRISKA: 8ecause this place is pretty clearly not open yet. We're still getting things set up-  
JUNE: hey, are you talking to me?  
VRISKA: Who else would I 8e talking to, dingus?  
JUNE: uh, i dunno. yourself, maybe?  
JUNE: not that i'd judge, since like, i honestly talk to MYSELF pretty much all the time.  
JUNE: anyways this is maybe the first time i've gone into a card shop and didn't get misgendered immediately, so that's pretty neat i guess.  
VRISKA: Yeesh, that's rough.  
VRISKA: Honestly, though, do you always wander into unopened, unfurnished, unfinished shops with no signs or displays to even signify that there's a 8usiness 8eing 8uilt there?  
VRISKA: Or did you just catch a whiff of my sheer Serket swagger and float your way in as if you were a cartoon character who gets practically magnetized to the visi8le scent of pie?  
JUNE: pffft. which of those two answers do you think would be funnier?  
JUNE: also, i'm sorry but you're not exactly radiating "swagger" right now?  
JUNE: i mean, i believe you? but the uniform and the visor thingy doesn't really scream confidence, which isn't really your fault.

Vriska looked over herself briefly. The girl wasn't wrong, frankly. The combination of a very conservative blue button-down shirt, a stereotypical grey name tag with "VRISKA" blazoned on it in all capital letters, and her usually massive hair tied up in a large ponytail hanging out of her white hat visor didn't exactly give away much of her "swagger", to say the least. 

Then again, what plateau was she arguing on, anyways? The thick square glasses and the wrinkled white button down were one thing, but was she trying to look cool with the big blue long coat? It's not even the dramatic kind, frankly. Why would someone so lazily put together an ensemble with such clashing energies, anyways? At least this uniform wasn't really Vriska's choice - the girl really went out like this.

VRISKA: Honestly? Yeah, this uniform sucks ass.

Then again, that could be out of either apathy or pure confidence. With the vibes she's giving off, she's not sure which of these it'd be, or if she's even aware of the weird energy her look has. At this point, Vriska starts to wonder if she would design equally tacky FLARP outfits.

VRISKA: Pro8a8ly should've argued with the store owner some more a8out letting me really customize shit, 8ut he's got a very tacky sense of design.  
JUNE: that kinda blows.  
JUNE: is that why the wallpaper is all this weird gaudy green like this?  
VRISKA: Yup! Awful, right?  
JUNE: i mean its OKAY...  
JUNE: but frankly, as spacious as it is right now without much of the shelves in this first room here uh...  
JUNE: it feels pretty fucking weird! like i'm being smothered by an uncomfortable presence.  
JUNE: having been to one other card shop, this place doesn't feel very...homey.  
VRISKA: Well, it's new. So it hasn't 8een 8roken in.  
VRISKA: I'll 8e sure to tear a 8it of the wallpaper once the old guy keels over. May8e that'll give it that lived-in feel.  
JUNE: it'd definitely feel a lot more punk!  
JUNE: which is a weird vibe for a place to buy trading cards, but whatever.  
JUNE: guess i'll have to come by when you've done that, huh?  
VRISKA: Oh, hell yeah. You clearly get it.  
JUNE: hehehe. i suppose.  
JUNE: anyways, i guess since you're closed and stuff, i should get going and-  
VRISKA: Oh no, no, no, no. No you don't.  
VRISKA: Our little party is just getting started! 8esides, I don't have anything else to fucking do right now anyways. I got done moving shit in place for the organizers a while ago and now I'm just store-sitting.  
JUNE: oh. okay!  
VRISKA: You interested in Duel Monsters at all?  
JUNE: kinda? my friends are a lot more into it than-  
VRISKA: Cool, come to the 8ack and I'll show you some WILD shit.  
JUNE: what do you mean "wild shit"?  
VRISKA: Well, if you've ever heard anything a8out Duel Monsters, you'd know that there's 8een rumors of these secret 8lack cards and white cards going around.  
VRISKA: The only ones I've ever seen are 8lank - no art or text AT ALL - so nobody's really sure what they're meant to do.  
VRISKA: 8ut today I opened up a pack and found something that I hadn't 8een hearing ANYONE talk a8out.  
VRISKA: They're like...  
VRISKA: This shit's even more secretive than that, I guess????????  
VRISKA: And they've got eeeeeeeeverything on them.  
VRISKA: Art, names, effects, attributes, weird blendy orange-green borders - the whole she8ang.  
VRISKA: The only thing is that I just can't figure out how they're meant to 8e played!  
JUNE: what, this isn't in the rulebook?  
VRISKA: Industrial Illusions says part of the fun of this game is figuring all this shit out.  
VRISKA: So no, 8ecause the creators of this weirdly intense and complex game are complete shitters.  
JUNE: well, that's not news i'm surprised to hear, lmao.  
JUNE: so you want me to come back there and brainstorm...how card mechanics work with you?  
VRISKA: Listen.  
VRISKA: What's your name again?  
JUNE: it's june.  
VRISKA: Well, Juuuuuuuune.  
VRISKA: I've 8een needing someone to talk to a8out this ALL day, and frankly you're the only one I know who's willing to even come close to 8eing interested in this.  
VRISKA: My friend Terezi is too 8usy 8eing 8lind as hell and god knows I'd never talk to the owner of this place for fun.  
VRISKA: So you're what I've got.  
JUNE: hmm.  
JUNE: you know what? fuck it, i'm in.  
JUNE: why not? i haven't gotten to fucking do anything cool in a good god damn while.  
JUNE: it's mostly just been sitting back while one guy solves everything, or fails doing it, and we're just in the background waiting to not get murdered.  
JUNE: i might as well go see what the fuck is up with whatever you're talking about!  
VRISKA: Yeah!!!!!!!! Now we're fucking talking!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I've 8een keeping it in the 8ack, so let me go ahead and lead you 8ack there.  
VRISKA: There's gonna 8e some stairs.  
JUNE: ah, thanks for the warning.

Vriska and June start walking toward the back of the store, and approach a flight of stairs going down to what seems to be a basement. There's dark green, vaguely Victorian looking wallpaper and tapestries plastered the entire way. At the bottom of the stairs is a room with a number of doors - Vriska leads her down the nearest one, taking her into a hallway that seems to be really long given the stated purpose of the building.

JUNE: hey uh.  
JUNE: are all game shops this weirdly labyrinthine???  
VRISKA: Dunno, don't really care.  
VRISKA: Pretty sure the CrockerCorp dueling arena we're installing down here's the only reason it's so 8ig though.  
JUNE: huh.  
JUNE: ...  
JUNE: you know, it's been a while since i've been to a card shop that wasn't my friend's grandpa's place.  
JUNE: back when i was a kid, my dad mostly took me to generic brand toy shops and we'd get stuff there.  
JUNE: i don't think i even really got any cards, besides that one time i accidentally shoplifted a batch of pokemon cards.  
JUNE: which is weird because i don't even like pokemon all that much? it seemed kind of ridiculous to me at the time, the idea of going out into the wilderness and just fucking around with a bunch of super powered animals.  
JUNE: god, i bet those cards are just collecting dust inside of a shelf full of my dad's notes.  
JUNE: which i can't really bring myself to like, go through? even though he died like, a good seven or eight years ago.  
JUNE: sigh.  
JUNE: just a whole set of drawers filled with silly parental pride. shit would probably kill me if i read it all and let my emotions out.  
JUNE: ...  
VRISKA: Um.  
JUNE: anyways, what's the deal with these cards that makes them so weird?  
VRISKA: June.  
VRISKA: Juuuuuuuune.  
JUNE: card shop lady.  
VRISKA: First of all, the name's Vriska.  
VRISKA: Second, are you doing a 8it, or do you always go up to independent store managers and dump your personal 8aggage onto them?  
VRISKA: 8ecause we don't do trades for saddeningly normal dead parents here.  
JUNE: you know, i'd say yes as a joke!  
JUNE: but that's uh...not true?  
JUNE: it's so not true actually that i'm kinda surprised at myself. i haven't even talked about any of that with my friends!  
JUNE: since they'd probably find it kinda boring, and a bit of a mood ruiner, heh.  
VRISKA: Well, on the one hand, it wasn't actually all that interesting, so I understand why you'd hesitate.  
VRISKA: On the other hand? I 8et your friends are a 8unch of 8itches.  
JUNE: no they're not!  
VRISKA: Aren't they?  
JUNE: ...  
JUNE: okay yes they are but that's what makes them kinda cool! sort of!!!  
VRISKA: Whatever you say, June.

Vriska suddenly stops before the doorway to where she was planning on taking June to, and instead plops down on a purple couch conveniently located right next to it. She had already unbuttoned her uniform shirt, revealing a tight, low-cut black shirt underneath it. Tired of wearing her hair up, she took off her visor and undid her ponytail, flipping her poofy, wild hair all over the place. There, much better, she thought to herself. Might as well take the armsock off while she was at it.

June was trying very hard not to stare. Something about the largely uneventful scene in front of her just hit her psyche like a ton of bricks, and it was making her blush like crazy. It wasn't that many years ago that she came to some of her more defining realizations about her identity, and with that came a very renewed and much more unguarded appreciation for cute girls. Frankly, the ponytail look was already doing her in a little bit but this?

God damn. 

June hoped that Vriska didn't notice her blushing. Vriska, of course, did notice, and her smile curled into a much more smug, self-pleased expression. June seemed relatively stoic before, but it was pretty clear by this point that Vriska had her full attention by this point.

Which was good, because she really wanted to talk about this fucking card game.

VRISKA: Here's my take on things, though.  
JUNE: (oh fuck right what were we talking about shit!)  
VRISKA: If you're more likely to open up to a stranger a8out this shit than your friends, then that means one of two things.  
VRISKA: Either my a8surd growth spurt in sheer charisma has carried over from Friday Night FLARPing...  
VRISKA: Or you're in desperate need of a vent!!!!!!!!  
JUNE: i uh!!! i think the air conditioning in my house works fine?  
VRISKA: A ver8al vent, you silly girl!  
JUNE: o-oh  
JUNE: aaaah-  
JUNE: mmmm. yeah that uh. that makes more sense. er.  
VRISKA: And you know what would 8e fun to vent over? Trying to crack the puzzle of these weird looking cards.  
JUNE: vriska i don't think i can just air out my baggage at the same time that i'm trying to figure out the logistics of the most convoluted game on the planet.  
VRISKA: I'm not even done making Dungeon Dice Monsters, so that's o8viously not what's happening here.  
JUNE: also i think you just obliterated the last of my brain cells with the uh  
JUNE: the silly girl? comment?  
VRISKA: They'll grow 8ack, I'm sure.  
VRISKA: 8ut that's enough of all that! I want you to check these cards out already!

Vriska got up and showed June to the next room. Inside a case were a few different cards - all similar in their strangeness. June's embarrassment dissipated quickly upon taking a note of these cards. Something about them sort of...called to her, for some reason. As if they were important, or almost connected to her specifically...

JUNE: "pendulum", huh?

\----------------------------------------------------------------

A few hours passed. Hours had passed since Dave reminisced about olden days with Karkat. Hours had passed since Calliope made it their mission to hijack a helicopter to Pegasus' island. Hours had passed since June met a girl who, in her own small way, renewed her spirit.

It was nighttime. The cruise liner for Duelist Kingdom had arrived at Domino Pier. Dave stood amongst a crowd of duelists as he waited to board the boat, Millenium Puzzle hanging under his neck.

Destiny awaited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! So you might've noticed that I drew some panels for this chapter. They look pretty neat, if I do say so myself!
> 
> I wouldn't expect them to become a regular thing. It was mostly just a long time since last chapter and I felt in the mood to draw some scenes. Frankly, I didn't even draw scenes based on their importance to the story - mostly just stuff I had fun drawing. That's probably what it'll be like from here on out, if I do end up drawing stuff for future Yugiohstuck chapters. The chapters already take longer than I'd hope without the images, so think of them more like a little treat than a substantial piece of what's going on.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed the chapter! We've got a lot of mysteries abound.


End file.
